Hairy Hands! Hairy Hairy!

Hairy Hands Are So Jolly Scary!
Because, I guess, hands can express so many things thanks to their polydactyl nature, from the gentle acceptance of open palms to the knotted tension of clenched murderous rage, all emphasised by them being hairy, since this brings in elements of beastliness and an uncouth nature.  Art?

"Mister Hyde's touchy-feely nature got  the better of him."

     Your Humble Scribe would also plump for said hairy hands of horror being most definitely male, as you simply don't see charming young ladies who look as if they're wearing a pair of unshaven goat-skin gloves, plus they don't tend to murder people on a whim.
     Anyway, what I really wanted to bang on about tomorrow/today (as I am typing this late on a Monday night) was yet another of those credulous articles the Beeb has laid out under the banner of "Eight unsolved British mysteries".  Art?  Importation, please.

2. The Hairy Hands of Dartmoor

In the 1920s, a spate of car crashes occurred on a stretch of road in Dartmoor, Devon. Many of them were fatal. Locals claimed the few survivors spoke of a disembodied set of hairy hands clutching the wheel of their car just before they were thrown off the road. Those who believed it claimed the hands were those of a man who died in an accident on the road. Others said it was just a very dangerously winding road.

     Ah yes.  Shall we impel Art with a cattle-prod and get him to enlighten us?  <sounds of sizzling and an unpleasant cooking smell>

The B3212 road in question

     Let's see.  I'm afraid the reality is laden with a lot less purple prose (though Blogger insists that above is "Fuschia").  Okay, Vulnavia, let us lash out with the truth.
     "Many of them were fatal".  WRONG.  There was one crash with a single fatality.
     "Locals claimed -".  FALSE.  No they didn't.  They did point out that the road is unlit, has dangerous bends, constricting high walls in places and that Devon cider is potent stuff.
     "Those who believed -".  DRIVEL.  Nobody has ever presented the name, place or date for any victim of any accident that spawned the Hairy Hands Of Horror. (!).
     LATE BREAKING NEWS!  Er - if you can call the nineteen-twenties "Late" - the road did have a dangerous camber to it, which was consequently reduced by remedial engineering.

Builds roads, lays ghosts

     So much for "Unsolved Mystery".  Thirty second's Googling would have brought out the above.  Why <fades away into muttering and threats>
     Motley!  Bring me those galoshes and gaiters, for I feel like a stroll amongst the cemetery's tombstones stones.  You too.  O don't whinge, it's dry and there's not going to be any - what?  - silver bullets?  Motley!

In Like Finn
Touching briefly on both politics and current affairs, which we normally avoid like pineapple fritters fried in parsnip oil, Conrad would like to point to Sanna Marin is due to be Finland's Prime Minister at the tender age of 34, which has raised headlines (and eyebrows) around the world.  Art?

Most wonderful delicious
(I stole that from "The Hobbit")

     It doesn't hurt that she's rather attractive - er - what I meant to say, was, this is an example of Finland, Noble Finland! leading the way for other nations.  Moral superpower.
     If you're reading this, Aki Kaurismaki, hurry up and made another comedy film.

BOOJUM! Reviews Films
(Hollywood cowers in fear)*.  As we do on occasion.  It's been a while since we did one of these to allow me to enlighten you as to the BOOJUM! policy on film reviews:

1)  We go off the title alone
2)  We make it all up
3)  If you were looking for an insightful, nuanced, well-rounded review, GO TO MARK KERMODE instead**.

     Let the slander begin!
"Cats": O great.  What, a documentary about slimy regurgitated furballs on the carpet, your expensive satin curtains clawed into lace and an unpleasant squishy surprise in your shoe?  After human beings, cats are the most selfish creatures on earth.  If they ever develop enough intelligence to order cat food deliveries from Waitrose via the internet, then watch out Hom. Sap. your days are numbered. 

"This was the sole copy of your incredibly complex Master's thesis on single-string singularities?  Who knew!"

"Frozen II": Good lord aloft, talk about a film production line!  The first one comes out and - I presume the next 9 were straight-to-DVD?  I blame you the public, because they wouldn't keep cranking this drivel out if you didn't queue up to watch it.  Plus, I have a sneaking suspicion that, as it's a Disney film, it will be a musical to boot.  Intolerable!  What we need is something to warm matters up a tad - Art?

This is more like it!

     Who couldn't warm to the tale of a penguin and his flamethrower?  Much more impressive than a snowman with twigs for arms.  We shall have to close this here as even saying this much is likely to bring R. J. Macready hot-foot ...
"Jumanji: The Next Level": What what what?  I thought I'd just seen this on Netflix, except it must be the sequel <Googles hastily> Ah yes, let me revise that to " - the inevitable sequel", since the previous one made about £666 million on a £100 million budget, meaning the Hollywood Suits would be fainting in coils whilst writhing with greed***.  One wonders how indecently hastily they threw this one together; those suits were doubtless cobbling together a plot whilst the money was still clinking into their coffers.

The end

     And, how are the cast going to get into Jumanji again?  That above is what's left of the gaming console after it meets a bowling ball just before Fin.  "Ah but magic" I hear you reply.  THAT'S LAZY SCREENWRITING AND I WON'T HAVE IT!

     Enough of films.

Finally -
Your Humble Scribe hopes to be watching yesteryon's iteration of that James Holland scripted and presented "Nazi War Machines Secrets Uncovered" which, I believe, covered the Teuton's navy and focussed on the Unterseebooten, which you know better as "U-Boats".  Art?

The boyish Jim in his element

      As with previous episodes, Conrad expects Ol' Jim to go over the U-boat inside and out, history, design, operations, etcetera, and how deadly they were to This Sceptred Isle (clue: "isle"); and then to demolish this propaganda façade with an analysis of their weaknesses and failures.  And - Jim?  Those pockets are really excessively large, matey.

Hyvasti! (which is Finnish for "Goodbye")



*  But lyricists sigh with relief
**  Vole-strangling lessons an optional extra
 ***   A tricky manoeuvre but it can be done