Conrad: Officially A Terrible Person

But We Knew That Already ...
After all, who else do you know whose topics of interest are atomic weapons, zombies and tanks, although not necessarily in that order?
     I refer, of course, to my sense of Schadenfreude, that ever-so-compact Teuton word which translates as "Malicious enjoyment of others misfortune".  For Lo! the ballfoot game season is upon us.  Actually it might have been on us for some time, I don't pay much attention to when it begins or ends, and- do you know what?  I don't care, either.  Your Humble Scribe has said ere now that for all he cares the two teams could walk onto the pitch, then toss a coin to see who wins.

A football
(South Canadians take note)

     No, what I look forward to is the "Have Your Say" comments section after a ballfoot game, and especially those that feature The Manchester Is United team (name possibly subject to revision). 
     Briefly put, TMIU have been having a long run of misfortune, after many years of being top dog in the ballfoot world, and their and their fans perceived arrogance is now being repaid by others, in spades.  In clubs, hearts and diamonds, too, if it comes to that.  Thus it is that there are 1,994 Comments about a match they played versus Watchford, which they lost.  Watchford are currently bottom of the Prime Ear League, incidentally, so they aren't that good a team.  Let me put up a quote that epitomises everything:

"Nothing brightens up people's day around the world more than a Man U defeat" - admin

     Typically, I only discovered the thread about 3 minutes before having to leave for work this morning, so I am only 6 pages in.  With a touch of luck it will be quiet in the office today and Conrad can get some serious Schadenfreuding in.
     So, yes: Conrad - officially an awful person.

Conrad impersonating Guiness

The Pearl As Allegory
You remember my somewhat strained comparison of how a pearl is formed by way of a very small piece of grit, and how this compared to various myths and urban legends?  Because it's true.  As an example, I previously ranted on about the "Highgate Cemetery Vampire", and I shall now point the searchlight of truth at -
     Mothman!  Art?

Not as catchy as Batman

     The legend goes that Mothman appeared out of nowhere in 1966, spooked the locals and then disappeared in 1967, never to be seen again.  He (why not she?  Discrimination!) is described as being huge, with an enormous wingspan and glowing red eyes.  From this origin frothing loon John Keel managed to hammer out a book that invoked UFOs, a bridge collapse, Men In Black, government conspiracies, time-travel, aliens, and I think Uncle Tom Cobley is in the index somewhere.  That's not the end of it; in 2002 there was even a film, "The Mothman Prophecies".  No mean title for someone (or something) that never spoke a single word.  Art?

Emphatically NOT based on true events!

     This whole inverted pyramid of stuff was spawned by what even some witnesses at the time described as "A bird".  Arch skeptic Joe Nickell did what a proper journalist ought to have done and went to West Virginia to investigate.  There he found that owls are common in the area where Mothy was seen, and even came up with a candidate - the Barred Owl.  Art?

Birds*.

     This bird has a large wingspan, is silent in flight, is abundant locally and - the kicker! - has eyes that will glow red if directed light falls upon them.  Plus, a local shot one and then there were no more reports of Mothy.  And the local bird sanctuary workers have never seen Mothy, either.

What did I tell you?

"Monty's Men" By Professor John Buckley
I have finished this book (on the bus into work this morning) but that isn't going to save you, it's still going to be referred to**.

The Monty in question

     Along the way, John demonstrates Monty's incredible ability to get on everyone's nerves, to the extent that some South Canadian generals were probably tempted to declare war on him -
     Anyway, John examines the army of Perfidious Albion (and the Canuckistanians) and points out all the ways they outclassed the Teutons, with frequent reference to the work of the Royal Engineers, especially in regards to bridging, which is what I will focus on here.
     Bridges, you see, enable one to cross streams and rivers, which is why the retreating Teutons blew up any they left behind whilst retreating, hoping that this would slow up the Allies long enough for them to run far away.

Sadly no.

     The RE would throw bridges across anything from a trickle to a torrent, under fire if need be, and within 24 hours.  Above you can see a pretty formidable river, which has been traversed by the impressively ingenious Bailey Bridge.  There would be engineering groups travelling well up with the lead British (and Canuckistanian) units, ready to bridge any water obstacles as fast as possible.  The Teutons themselves expressed surprise, and a touch of fear, at how incredibly rapid any bridges they demolished were immediately replaced.  Art?

Another example of Teuton vandalism not working

     Of course the Wehraboos have no response to "Bailey Bridges!" as they aren't Tiger tanks or MG42s.  Still a war-winning wonder weapon, though.

Boiler Spoiler
Well, air-conditioning anyway.  There was a boiler in the basement, honest.
     I refer to "Black Summer", of course, that television series set in an alternative universe where zombies were utterly unknown and people are very, very stupid.  We are over six weeks into the Zombie Apocalypse and people in general have not learned that you stop these sprint zombies by SHOOTING THEM IN THE HEAD.
     Thus we come to Son.  Son is travelling through the air conditioning vents with the Shouty Young Man.

Son.

     Here's the SPOILER bit.  Shouty Young Man is shot and killed by a burst of gunfire, so what does Son do?  Knowing that he will reanimate in seconds as a zombie?
     That's right!  She stops and waits until he reanimates and comes after her.  Art?

Dental hygiene not high on a zombie's list of Things To Do

     Stupid.  Surpassingly stupid.
     There you go, Conrad has had his rant and feels all better now.

Ah, I see the HYS is now up to 208 pages.  I've read 40 of them and counted 3 posts that were at all positive about The Manchester Is United.

And with that, we are done!


*  This only makes sense in colloquial English.
**  Insert sinister cackle and the rubbing of hands here.