Unicorn Fighting

You Can Blame Shelli For This
For damme, but that gel likes her some unicorns.  Why, she even has what appears to be a onesie in unicorn shape.  You know - Shelli with the cello.  One might even stretch a point and call her Shello, which is probably the lowest pun you'll see today.
     Anyway, unicorns.  Or, Horses That Freud Would Be Proud Of.  Art?

No jokes about horns, thank you

     Not a creature you see many of nowadays, which got Your Humble Scribe to wondering - always a dangerous precedent.  Why does the unicorn have a horn?  And not something merely decorative, either; that's a wicked-looking weapon capable of doing serious injury.
     Aha!  It must be used by males in mating rituals, in a manner similar to that of stags and elks.  Except - there doesn't appear to be any gender distinction about unicorn horns.  Male or female, both appear to have horns.  Unless all unicorns are male, which would explain why they all died out, hmmm?

Or became zombies.  Always a risk.

     Also, do unicorns run in herds?  Because then there would be a leader of the pack, and then you begin to have problems, since he would be older than any more youthful challengers, which means his horn would be longer, and he would be able to hit them with a headshot that would finish them, whilst remaining untouched himself, the end.

What's the collective noun for unicorns?

     Then there's the colouration issue, which is nothing to do with horns I agree - I just like to be thorough.  Presumably the unicorn dwells above the Arctic Circle?  For otherwise it stands out a bit, and polar bears are always hungry.  Mind you, if they come in herds, all they need to do is stand in a circle facing outwards, because -

Perfidious Albion presents A Hedge Of Spikes!

     Hmmm.  Interesting.  I wonder where this particular infantry formation got it's inspiration from?
     Anyway, back to unicorn horns.  If two unicorns do indeed start sparring with each other, do they only attack head-on?  Because, if so, I would expect to see a fair number of one-eyed unicorns who got the worst of such an exchange.  Since the single-ocular unicorn is absent the artistic history, Conrad suspects they did more than just colliding skulls together, although the artistic history is once again absent unicorns with great big scars down their flanks.
     You don't suppose they did the boring thing and only used their horns to - oh, I dunno - dig up worms and things?  That would be exceedingly dull*.

Evil Hungover Unicorn!

     I know, I know, I'm risking the ire of Shello here by slandering unicorns.  Well, it's not as if she's ever going to read this, is it?
     Motley!  Shall we set out on a hunt for the Lesser-Spottted Snark**?

Perhaps a Snark

Further To Which -
Imagine an updating of that stuffy old Lewis Carroll rhyme, "The Hunting Of The Snark", with jet-skis and depth-charges and machine guns and bikinis and explosions, set in the Pacific but filmed just off the Californian coast and which ends in Mother Nature storming the scenery (literally), and we shall call this updated film - waitforitwaitforit -

 

SNARKNADO

     Do you think there's any mileage in it?  I can do a treatment for £76,000 if needed.

The raw materials

Jim Holland's Big Guns
For Lo!  We are back on "Nazi War Machines - Secrets Uncovered" again, and today we focus our narrow, jaundiced eyes on the Teuton's machine guns.  Jim focussed his eyes on the MG34, introduced in 1934 hence the name, and if Art will do the honours -

Precision Teuton over-engineering

    Again, this was made from a single machined block of metal, and it was again made to very fine tolerances, which meant trouble if there was any dust or dirt around - you know, like the deserts of North Africa - and it too 150 man-hours to make a single one.  By 1942 even the precision-worshipping Teutons realised that expending this amount of time, money and effort was just the teensiest bit wasteful, so they came up with the MG42.  Art?

Slightly less excellently crafted.

     This could be created in 75 man-hours which was a lot more efficient, thanks to using stampings instead of a giant block of steel.  It also had a tremendously high rate of fire, 1,200 rounds per minute, which the Wehraboos all wet themselves over, as they think this makes it the best weapon evah.  In fact, as Jim points out, firing at this rate would burn out the barrel, and the Teutons had to carry 6 spare barrels so they could cool one off whilst using a fresh one.  Not only that, the official manuals forbade firing more than 250 rounds per minute.  Nor was it very accurate.  And, as Jim also points out, you used up ammo at an alarming rate; there's a thesis in there somewhere about the logistics burden imposed by this weapons thirst for bullets.  And, finally, no contemporary weapons bother to have such a ridiculously high rate of fire.

All this for one gun***.

     Sorry, Wehraboos -

     What's that sound?  I don't - hang on, hang on, let's have a -

HOLY HECK!

     RUN!  SAVE YOURSELVES!  It's Clarissa The Cannibal Combat Chicken!  A dreadful scientific experiment that escaped and which terrorises the land!  (also known to lay eggs when roosting).
     There's only one thing that can possibly repel her - quick, Art!

(!)

     Ha!  That sorted her - look at her cluck off.

Finally -
This came out of another overheard conversation yesteryon, and I only caught the phrase "Bat outta Hell" which of course brings up memories of that Meatloaf album.  Art?

Artwork by Richard Corben

     This set my mind to wandering, or perhaps wondering, and you know that always brings curious musings in it's wake.
     Why a bat?  Do bats suffer excessively from Hadeophobia? (you can work that one out, surely!).  Do bats have the ability to accelerate to 90 m.p.h. from a standing start?  What exactly were these bats doing in Hell in the first place?  Are there good roosting places in Hell?  (I would imagine they're already bagged by the vampires).  Surely, if bats can navigate out of the depths of fire and brimstone, other avian species at least can do the same?  What about leopards from Hell, they can manage 70 m.p.h. on the ground, and they'd take a bit of catching, devils you see only being bipedal and impeded by weighty pitchforks -
     Of course, I may be overthinking this ...

No, Art, no.
<sounds of Tazer being charged>

     And with that, we are done!  Pip pip!

*  Shelli, at this point, is nodding furiously.
**  Yes, spelled with 3 "T"s
***  This is possibly a lie.