Why "ZAP!" Is Crap

A Touch Of Metaphor There
Your humble scribe is not entirely sure if there's some branded product or artefact marque out there which goes by the name of "Zap", with or without the exclamation mark -
     Here an aside.  Shall we send Art to check?  Art, get moving before the cattle prod warms up -
     
     Ah.  There you are.  Rest assured, noble purveyors of cables and what seems to be something out of Philip K. Dick, that we are not criticising your esteemed products.  No, we are back on the subject of that sci-fi staple - BLASTERS!
     Or, rather, a sub-genre deriving from an obscure Sixties television programme you may have heard of: Star Trex Trek.  Their hand-weapon of choice was the splendidly-named "phaser", which smacks of both "laser" and "phaeton", the latter being a variety of horse-drawn carriage, which is what you felt had run over one if hit by a phaser on 'Stun'.  Art?

A phaser

     I hope whoever designed these got lots of money, because it looks great; it's definitely a weapon, yet unlike anything contemporary, and with that angled handle it seats well in the user's grip.
     In practical use, however - Oh dear.  O dearie dear!
     You see, a hand phaser like the one above is pretty useless at anything more than thirty yards range (yes, they WILL use Imperial measurements in the future!) due to the lack of sights.  This is a major flaw with a weapon whose range is only limited by the curve of the horizon; Ensign Rottehemd misses his target, an alien Benadryl footsoldier, and Ooops! he's vapourised a little old lady on the next continent.

Ensign Rottehemd, shiftily looking to place the blame on someone else.

     The next problem about a phaser - and the Star Trek laser, a weapon used less frequently, if Art can put down that nuclear fuel rod and fork -

"I'll just point in the rough direction of the target and waggle the muzzle about a bit.  Can't possibly go wrong."

     - is that they instantly and unmistakably give away your firing position by virtue of the ENORMOUSLY BRIGHT RAY they emit.  Visible even under the brightest of suns.  You might as well just put up a big sign:  

Here we are, right here, at this absolutely precisely determined spot with no margin of error whatsoever

     Oh boy, I feel on a roll with this one.  And there's so much more to come!  Though not today, don't want to bore most people and enrage Star Trex fans - sorry, "Trek" - hey, it's the font.

A blaster caused this blister

     Now to tape a can of squirty cream to the motley's mouth and superglue the spray-button down!
The Kiel Keel Haul
This is a rather involved pun, which I will have to explain, as I strongly suspect you lack knowledge of Hohenzollern naval infrastructure prior to the First Unpleasantness.
     Okay, here is a picture of yesterday's haul.  Art?

     That's the easy bit out of the way.  I was glad that the 'Captain Britain' volume was in English, since I ordered it from Germany (because it was cheap, and so am I) and only then wondered what language it was in.  The "Keel" part refers to the Naval work, as ships have keels.  That's all I know about keels, go Google if you thirst to know more.
     "Kiel" is a Teuton town, at the Baltic end of the Kiel Canal - Art?

Thus

     It was constructed so that the Teuton High Seas Fleet could swan about between the North Sea and the Baltic without having to bother about navigating around Denmark; the Danes make for a tricky navigate, as you can see.  Art?

Less of a warship and more of a ware-ship*

     So, I bet it's mentioned in the Naval Operations book.

Hmmm,  talking of matters watery, at this point in the day I would normally be striding forth from The Mansion, heading into Royton for a touch of exercise.  
     Not today.  Today, had I a canoe, I could paddle it in the gutters downhill and make harbour at the Co-Op in about two minutes flat, so strong is the current.

Royton this afternoon

Thank You, But No, Thank You
That font and fount of all that is true and factual, the Beeb website (apart from "Strictly Come Dancing", which I am convinced is a giant practical joke against me) has a rather off-putting report about research into death and dying.

You expected a skull-and-crossbones, didn't you? Psych!

     It seems that having a psychedelic drug trip mimics a near-death experience, at least for an hideous substance known as "DMT" (I thought that was the railway union?) and there were people who  actually volunteered to take the stuff.  Hey, it may thus be free, but so is rabies, and it may be legal, but so is standing on the highest ground you can find in a lightning storm (whilst wearing a tinfoil hat with a 6' steel aerial attached and standing in an barrel filled with water).
     Conrad is sticking to nitromethane and lava cocktails, thank you very much!



*  I thought this up all by myself.  Aren't I clever!