Attack Of The ELEPHANT BIRDS!

It's Not What You're Thinking -

At least I imagine not, with your imaginations primed by days of Conrad banging on about were-whales and were-whelks - were-wolves are so last century, darling - and miscellaneous monsters made out of potatoes or brocolli.  So you might be forgiven for thinking up some monstrous hybrid flying pachyderm; does this even exist as a design within the bounds of teh interwebz?

APART from that one, Art.  Sheesh.

     It turns out, yes.  Yes, a lot.  Art?

     Who knew!  Anyway, once more I have gone into what's nothing to do with my real subject matter, which is an extinct beastie known as the Elephant Bird.  Art?

Elephant Bird with puny human for scale

     The Aepyornis lived on Madagascar, alongside humans for around 9,000 years, until there was a major falling-out and - the humans ate them.  All of them.  So perhaps the title of today's blog ought to have been "Attack ON The Elephant Birds"; but then again we don't know what hideous faux pas they committed to bring on getting turned into a giant roast with peas and carrots.  Just imagine the size of an Elephant Bird drumstick!

     Which is the point where we see if the motley can outrun a thermite cannon!

Odds not looking good for motley

Oh Delicious Irony, Thy Name Is "Doc"

E.E. "Doc" Smith, that is, you know, the chap who gets a bit peppery if you neglect to mention his sciencey background.  He had a Master's degree in chemical engineering, and went into the food science business - doughnuts and pastries.

     And now we shift our focus to DRUGS!  ILLEGAL DRUGS! ILLEGAL LETHAL DRUGS!

     For one of the plot threads in the 'Lensman' series concerns a drug called "thionite", which makes heroin (technically, diacetyl morphine) seem as deadly as banana milkshake by comparison.

I wonder - could we force the motley to drink a gallon of this against the clock?

     Then there's the legal drug nicotine, which Ol' Doc's characters are quite happy to consume in cigarette form (and which also crop up in "Foundation And Empire") in any amounts, because - hey! what harm can cigarettes possibly cause?  And why shouldn't someone calling themselves 'Doc' encourage his characters to inhale burning vegetable vapours?

     Well, it amused me.

"Sexton Blake"

You don't hear much about Ol' Se - about Mister Blake nowadays, though he had a good run for his money, being popular for over 70 years after making his debut in 1895.  He was, in case you didn't know, an investigator who solved mysteries, although in a more two-fisted way than his more cerebral contemporary, Sherlock Holmes.  Art?

"Sexton's secondary occupation as a chatline worker did not always go well"

     There was a television series that cropped up in the Sixties, featuring Laurence Payne as Our Hero.  Art?

Metaphorical migraine?

     That's Laurence at starboard, looking quite natty.  What you can't see, if you'll forgive the borderline bad-taste pun, is that he was blind in one eye.  Ol' Lol, you see, was in fact a master swordsman who choreographed stage and television fights with swords, because they might not have a cutting edge to them, but they are hard and heavy and they have a point.  Said point being what some hamfisted clot stuck in his eye during a rehearsal, since said clot lied about his experience handling swords, to get the gig.

"This is Psychic Sexton of the Mystic Midnight Horoscope Line; charges begin at 50p per minute -"

     Being ever so British and stiff-upper-lip and all that - you know, being in-character - Ol' Lol never made much of a song and dance about this, merely keeping calm and carrying on.

The Haul

If you have a longish memory then you will recall Conrad occasionally boasting about having the entire British Official History of the First Unpleasantness on land; acquiring these was neither easy nor cheap, since even the Battery Press reprints from the Nineties cost upwards of £40.  You're talking of France and Flanders, Italy, Galipolli, Mesopotamia and other stations.  I also have several map cases that accompany the original volumes, which are rarer and harder to get.

     I have now started on the Naval History of the First Unpleasantness, which runs to only 5 volumes with 4 map sets.  Art?

     This is the map set that goes with Volume One; 18 maps in absolutely pristine condition, none of which seem to have even been opened <makes satisfied gloating noise>.

     What's that?  Oh - the "NCIS" disks?  Ah - yes - er - I'm keeping those for a friend.  Yes, that's right, keeping them for a friend.  Until he gets back from - um - Nyasaland.  Or Penge.  One of those two.