You Want Bad?

Then You'll Get It!
Let us look into Conrad's crystal ball ... and then use it as the paperweight it is only fit for use as.  If we want the future, then allow me to fire up my Time-travelling Monitor and set it to one hundred years from now -
     Ah.  Okay, my starship invasion fleet has been somewhat delayed.  They - ah - left their keys behind at Theta Reticuli and had to go back for them (this world conquest is a harder gig than you might imagine).  Let us set the Monitor for two hundred years from now -

I did warn you it was going to be MINE!

     That's more like it!  Yes, Conrad now has utter and absolute dominion over Planet Earth, which I think I shall re-name Planet Telex.  Because I can, and it's a cool song*.  The descendants of Tom (Quiet Tom from work) have inherited the mantle of Minister Of Murder For Musical Misdeeds, thus eliminating all music I do not approve of, so goodbye Abba and that girning imbecile Smiley Cyris (spelling?) alongside leider and 90% of opera.

"Ride of the Valkyries" - part of the 10%

  The 1st of June is now International Comsat Angels Day and the only remaining bank holiday across the globe - appreciate your one day off as you endure the other 350**.  The Gigantic Computer Collective, having downloaded the consciousness of Thomas Pynchon (kept cryogenically frozen, since you ask), is now publishing a novel of his once per year, and the stuff he wrote whilst still alive is part of the educational syllabus worldwide.  Oh, and Shakespeare has been banned, apart from having it read to those in prison as a punishment.  

Hooray!

The pineapple and parsnip have been expunged from the biosphere and the closest you can get to a Hawaiian pizza is a photograph from a history book.  Channel 565 broadcasts "The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension" on a 24 hour loop, and my Random Question squads periodically descend on public transport - or private transport at traffic lights - to test folk.  Those who fail supply the organ banks with whatever we're short of.

Buckaroo and crew

     The delicious irony here is that, were BB real, he'd be leading the resistance against me.

     Okay, I think I've painted enough of a picture of the year 2217, which makes "A skull-crushing totalitarian dictatorship" (in the words of PK Dick) look like a socialist paradise.  
     "Oh," I hear you mutter, feebly.  "Er - to what end are you showing us a picture of our dystopian future, Conrad?"
     I thought you'd never ask!  Instead of answering your question, let me instead go off on a tangent and review a few films.  Okay?

BOOJUM! Reviews Films
We've not done this for a while, as all the bus posters on the buses that hiss past my front window (like the waves upon the beach***)have been same-same for weeks, it seems.  So, let me refresh your memories about how we review films here.
     1)  We look only at the title.
     2)  We generalise wildly
     3)  Then we blow up the world - oops!  No, sorry, that's NATO's war-fighting strategy. Then we throw it out there and see what you think.
     "The Mummy": Ah, another of those horribly bland titles that tell us nothing - NOTHING! - about the film itself.  This title could apply to 20% of the world's population.  Couldn't they add in a tiny bit of detail? "Who Dripped Blood" or "Dearest" or "In the Basement" for example?  (If Asylum are interested in any of these I will do a treatment for £76,000)

Close enoug

     "Baby Driver":  I see.  Not sure which demographic they are aiming for here. Parents who want to coo and gurgle over the cute animated nappy-wearing toddler causing mayhem on the motorway?  Although I do remember reading about an 8 year-old German boy who drove his dad's car across Europe by dint of tying blocks of wood to his feet - so he could reach the pedals. 

Only a baby could fit in this! (do you see what - O you do)

     "The Book of Henry":  HOW DARE THEY!  Glorifying illiteracy - so Henry is cool because he only owns a single book, eh?  Not in Conrad's narrowed, flinty eyes he's not.  This will stop abruptly when I take over, oh yes indeed.

Reserved for Henry

     "Despicable Me 3":  And what is the tagline for this? (although Conrad does rather have a sneaking admiration for films where the good guy is a bad guy) - "Go back to bad".  Wait, what?   Excuse me?  I've always been bad, in fact from the opening paragraph you could describe me as positively eeeeevil.  Which is where we came in ...

Look at that face; oozing evil from every pore.

*  Radiohead reference.
**  We went metric
***  The Doors reference