World Domination - A Guide

Not The Whole Thing, Of Course
Otherwise you might end up in competition against me, and I'd hate to have to annihilate 
the lot of you.  Where would I get my blog traffic from?  
     Anyway, there I was, watching "Star Trek: First Contact" and seeing the Borg getting a right shoeing.  People don't like the Borg, and it's not because they sound Swedish.  They have a real image problem, and part of it is how they behave and communicate.

"Anyone for tennis?"

     Now, how much more smoothly would things go in World Conquest and Domination if the Borg - were British?
     Kindly stop laughing!  I'm serious.  The Borg have taken the first step, if you will, because they just stooge around and get on with things, no idle chit-chat or taking a siesta or having a long liquid lunch - just like us British.  You see them bundled up in their cubicles, joylessly doing whatever cubicle-y tasks they have, just like a British call-centre.
     Let's look at how this lot of cyborg pikers would speak if they were British.

BORG                                                          BRITISH
"RESISTANCE IS FUTILE!"                               "Look, really, this resistance thing - really, it 
                                                                    jolly well isn't on."

"YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED!"                         "I say, could you see your way clear to                                                                               hopping on to our team?"

"You are an imperfect being."                        "Not to be a wet blanket, old boy, but to be 
                                                                     honest, you could do with a spruce-up."

"We will add your distinctiveness to our own"  "That hopping on to our team - we're rather
                                                                     keen on it, you know."

"Human ... Flawed.  Weak.  Organic."             "We can offer you discount shopping 
                                                                      vouchers.  And weekends off."

"I am the Borg."                                               "And you can be too!  All we need is your 
                                                                        sort code and a signature.  Easy-peasy."

     Well, it's a start.  I would also suggest that Mrs. The Borg wears a hat, as seeing a load of piping hanging out of the back of someone's head is not, really, the best first impression.

Quick!  Call a plumber! And then a milliner!

Back To Clerihews
And the fruit of today's walking the dog is a few British monarchs, plus Peter Sellers, because he seems to fit in with the British actors of the Sixties that I was harping on about yesterday.

Good Queen Bess

Was rather a mess.

Her face-paint was larded with lead,

Which inconveniently rendered her dead.

     For once, all true.  Oh, "Good Queen Bess" is Elizabeth the First, for all those unlucky enough to live beyond these hallowed shores.  The face-paint of those times did indeed contain white lead, which is very bad for you, although it takes a fair while before it makes you wormfood.  Next!

Bad King John

Was a right one.

However, he was good at laying siege,

And liked it if you said "My liege".

     This is partly true, at least that I know of.  John has a terrible reputation, caused by living in the shadow of his better-regarded brother Richard, who could do no wrong and was almost able to walk on water.  John was an able besieger, for your information, and was also regarded as delivering good legal counsel, although you did have to pay him.  As for that "My liege" bit, I refer to the term used in feudal relationships of a superior, and people probably did call him that.

Liege: the city

Old Queen Vic

Didn't look sick.

But she cursed her offspring with haemophilia;

Now, there's a disease that'll kill yer.

     Again all true!  Because the crowned heads of Europe were all frightfully interbred, the affliction of haemophilia did get passed around generously.  Whilst you may be most familiar with Queen Victoria as that dowdy old lady in a black dress, she was quite the hottie when young.

Close enough

Peter Sellers

Wasn't like other fellers.

For one, he was a talented mimic.

And he could play the banjo acoustic.

     Hmmm.  I'm being entirely too factual and accurate here.  Yes, Peter was an excellent mimic, and quite the musician, too.  I'm sure if you went looking you could find a few CD's of his musical comedy work.  By the way, when he was a mere enlisted man in the RAF, he once got dressed up as a senior officer and went around the rankers, having a chat with them and giving the impression that one of the big-wigs cared.  This was very naughty indeed - it's called "Impersonating an Officer" - and would have landed him in verrry hot water if he'd been found out.

But here - he gets paid for it!