A New Map Of Well

Ah, I Do So Love A Theme
This one being the title from Monday, if you can cast your addled minds back that far.  In this case, the "Well" refers to a long list those scamps over at the Facebook page for The Flop House came up with, of television series 'Well Worth Checking Out'.  At least in their opinion - mine may differ as your humble scribe is notoriously difficult to please - "Does it have zombies?  Tanks?  Atom bombs?  Oodles of dangerous chemicals?" being my first four default questions about a film.  Art?

     As Conrad is both pedantic and pettifogging, I have written out the whole lot and am going through it item by item, so see if anything here satisfies my criteria.  I'll let you know*.

"Doctor Who - Empress Of Mars"
I don't think anything I post here will be a spoiler, will it?  It is four days gone by, now, and it really behooves you to keep up with this dramamentary series' reconstructions.
     So!  This one (recreated by Mark Gatiss) was set on Mars in the year 1881, when the British Empire - excuse me, THE MIGHTY BRITISH EMPIRE - is set on grubbing about beneath the surface for precious gems.  And staking a claim before the Ruffians or South Canadians get men there.  Art?

This has a good pay-off

     We see an advanced piece of mining kit, but not the spaceship that brought our intrepid soldiers to the Red Planet - budgets, you know, budgets, even today - although there is a very nice bit of Victorian space-suit - Art

Ground-breaking British technology!

     Of course, when the "Upright Crocodiles" attack, the British soldiers aim unerringly for the Ice Warrior's armour.  Every time.  Every.  Single.  Time.  Fortunately The Doctor manages to talk things round, and even manages to bring in a diplomatic contact from that lovable old hemaphrodite Alpha Centauri - the creature not the star.

The Empress, and her teeth.  Don't mention alligators ...

     The thing is, all this stuff reminded your modest artisan of a set of wargaming rules from yesteryon -

"Space 1889"
 - these being they.  Let us prove that Conrad is not raving.  Art?

Space 1889 aerial dreadnoughts

     The game was invented by Frank Chadwick, who is a big name in wargaming, as big as Mark Gatiss in dramatic reconstructions.  Frank's conceit was that Victorian science came up with the "ether propeller" that allowed travel between planets, allowing the MIGHTY BRITISH EMPIRE to colonise Mars**.

Utter nonsense, of course!

     Conrad recalls seeing several demonstration games of this genre being played at different wargaming conventions he attended in the past - before the court injunction, and although utter nonsense they do look remarkably fun to play.  Art?

Quite a market for them

The Consequence Of Watching Television
Conrad normally mutes adverts when watching 'NCIS' or 'Police Interceptors' (my guilty pleasures!) because people passing outside get worried when they see a middle-aged man yelling abuse at the screen.
     "So, old and frenetic one, what ignited your Frothing Nitric Ire this time?" I hear you query.
     Leaving aside the hint that my rage occurs too frequently, I shall explicate - this is about our callow youth being encouraged to commit heinous crimes against art!  Art?

Before

     Here we see an assembly of classical statuary.  I can't show the cut away here, but it featured a gaggle of sniggering children, busy being both seen and heard***.  Then what happens?  SACRILEGE! is what happens.  Art?

After

     Really, what kind of message is this sending to the generation of tomorrow?  Personally I think <Mister Hand intervenes to redact a 25 page rant> down the salt mines barefoot!

Another Consequence Of Watching Television
Conrad didn't move quickly enough to mute the sound whilst some trailers for television programmes jumped onto screen.  They were for action programmes, which makes a pleasant change from the commercial variety on CBS Action, which focus on the Doddering Old Fart demographic - how to sell your soul to Satan for a mountain of cheese, that sort of thing.
     "His name is The Stuff Of Legends", pronounced the voice-over chap, going for deep with gravitas but coming off as having incipient laryngitis.
     We then see the actor Chuck Norris - not a chap to be taken at all lightly, ever - punching, shooting and kicking people.  Art?

The bad guys are about to have a bad day

     Confusingly, we are then told that the title of this show is "Walker - Texas Ranger".  This is a lot handier than then previous iteration, as "The Stuff Of Legend - Texas Ranger" would take up too much space on screen.
     Just a thought.

Finally -
Because it'll all make sense when this gets put up on Facebook -




*  "Lady Dynamite" sounds promising!
**  Amongst some others.  Second-rate gimcrack wannabes like France and Germany.
***  That's a no-no right there.