Here I am complaining about how dreadfully hot it is, when a couple of weeks ago I was probably whining pitifully about how damp and soggy it was.
Just one of the wonderful things about living in the Allotment of Eden - you are never short of an ice-breaker because you can always fall back on the weather as a topic.
One feels rather sorry for Edna, since she wears a fur coat she can't take off, and for long spells she's been lying prostrate on the carpet, panting and feeling sorry for herself. Edna, I ought to add, is the dog, not our Darling Daughter. Even the resort of A Human Lap isn't good enough, especially Conrad's; as my "blood" is actually nitromethane and lava, lying on my lap is similar to lying on a radiator.
| Cross-section through Conrad's vein |
I Do A Few Clerihew
Yes, yes, I missed the "S" off the end - that makes it rhyme better, and if you don't like it, the exit door IS THAT WAY! I tried to restrict the theme here to government leaders, except that would have amounted to exactly one entry, so there's a broader spectrum here. Go!
Benjamin Disraeli
Bathed daily.
This is because he was frightfully sweaty,
And not to do with his love of spaghetti.
Ah! What barbs of acid wit*! For those who are not familiar with the history of British politics, Ol' Ben was a founder of the modern Conservative party, and a Prime Minister. His preference for pasta is entirely made up; however, as a gentleman (and a scholar) he doubtless did bathe daily. He also wrote a lot of novels, proof that politicians have entirely too much 1) time on their hands and 2) money. Art?
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| Er - what? |
Richard the Lionheart
Didn't half fart.
This is because of his diet of beans,
Which blew his pants to smithereens.
The ancient Greeks used to think that beans were full of spirits - the ghostly type not the 70% proof type - and that these spirits, once ingested, were trying to get out. I don't know if it was considered polite for knights errant to break wind in front of other people; somehow this has never come up as a topic in the history books I've read.
Interestingly enough, Richard only spent 9 months of his reign in England; the rest of the time he was off abroad waging war, so if he had remained in the Allotment for any substantial length of time, he might be less well thought of.
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| Ol' Rick, about to give some hapless footsoldier a very severe headache |
Ivan the Terrible
Was highly inedible.
Thus, before he got interred,
He wasn't nibbled by worm or bird.
Ol' Vanya was not someone to get on the wrong side of. Just take a look at this picture and tell me you'd argue with him over which way to pass the port. Art?
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| Left or right is fine with me, Vanya |
Lord Byron
Didn't watch television.
He never witnessed man on the Moon
Because he was born much too soon.
Hmmm. Well, that's not really very insulting, is it? It was done on the hoof whilst walking the dog. Perhaps we should have run, not walked.
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| Looking like butter wouldn't melt, eh? DON'T BE FOOLED! |
Rupert Grint
Has a terrible squint.
You never see his dodgy eye;
Films hide it with elaborate CGI
It could be true, for all you know. Have you ever met him face-to-face? No. So you don't know if Conrad is right or not. Wait until you do meet him before you sit in judgement.
I think that's enough clerihew for you. Can't have you getting too much mordant wit or you might come to expect it all the time. What's that? No Rupert? Hang on - Art?
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| The best you're going to get |
Okay, I think we've nailed our names in the pages of history enough for one day, even if they are electronic pages and metaphorical nails. Pip pip!
* It is so witty.
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