I Are In Trubble Now

Of COURSE I Mis-spelled It!
This is Conrad, chief spelling and grammar nazi, responsible for the whole of the north west*.  I make words stand up and dance around, with far better rhythm than I have myself.
     No, I refer to a phrase that I invented when Wonder Wifey objected to my describing her (admittedly excellent) bolognaise as both "skanky" and "weeks old" when neither were true.  Since I had been caught out on Facebook whilst the eyes of the world were upon me, I couldn't very well deny it.  
     Hence the phrase.
     Now, I am pre-empting another probable protest from WW, as the urge to spoof became irresistible the other night and I succumbed to creating a gag shot wth a couple of black stickers.
     Here is the "Before":

     Take your time and get accustomed to it.  All ready?  And now for "After":

     There.  A kitchen appliance turned into a grinning maw.  Hilarious!
     I hope you find this equally funny, because - I are in trubble now.

<brief pause as Conrad goes off to make his second pot of tea of the day>

Versery Rhyme
On the principle that it's easiest to kick a man when he's down, Conrad continues to cannily target nursery rhymes as they are a defenceless victim.  A cheap laugh is still a laugh, Victoria.
     So - 

"Little Miss Muffet

Sat on her tuffet

Eating her curds and whey"

     Scandalous!  Why is this infant being forced to eat outside in the cold cruel English countryside with it's brutal weather?  What are these odious, nay, noxious foodstuffs she is being fed?  Curds?  Whey?  Vile Victorian viands!  No wonder she's "Little", she's not getting proper nutrition!

Ignore the spider!

     Then again -
     What a splendid example of positive parenting!  How refreshing to read of a child getting fresh air and sunlight instead of mooching over an X-Bock** or a mobile phone all day.  Congratulations, too, on not bowing to her whims and feeding her from Burgerking.
     We shall leave before that bit with the spider, for as you well know Conrad is a massive coward when it comes to creepy-crawlies like this.

The only kind of spider your cringing author is happy with

More Of The Pleasant Inn Pub Quiz
I have to make much of this, as it's the only social event people tolerate me at.  A couple of weeks ago Janet, the hip and trendy landlady***, came to collect the quiz sheets, which your humble scribe hastily put in a pocket.
     "You keep them?" she enquired, slightly puzzled.
     "Certainly do!  I write about them on my blog," I casually informed her, and then had to give a potted account of BOOJUM! and what it entails.
     This week I was either cheeky or persuasive and she agreed to have a photo taken, as long as I got the Christmas tree in.  Art?

Janet is on the left***

     She also mentioned having read BOOJUM! yet we are still on speaking terms.  This is partly due to her good taste in all things zombie.  I did show her the photo and she didn't object, so here we are.

Oh Bulgaria, 'Tis Of Thee -
I don't think anyone in Bulgaria reads the blog, yet I'd better apologise in advance.  
     Now, the origins of the vulgarism "Bugger" are interesting, so we will - as per usual - change subjects completely and instead focus on that scourge of city-centre shopping, the charity enlister.  These repellent articles dog footsteps, intercept shoppers and pull out all the stops to guilt people into paying, simply to get away.  They are better known as a portmanteau of "Charity Mugger" - "Chugger".
     Back to bugger.  Originally this was "Bulgarian", because they were deemed to be heretical, and back in the day the only sin worse than bringing your library book back late was to be a heretic.  BURN IN ETERNAL HELLFIRE YOU SINNING BULGARIANS!!! and so on.

BURN IN HELL BUL - oh no we're above all that now

     The word got rather transmuted in French, into "Bougre" and from there we derive the English "bugger".  Since we are SFW, if skating a little close to the edge, I shall of course omit all mention of the seedier side of the term.
     As a vulgarism it can be used as an affectionate reproach as in "You cheeky bugger!" if said with a twinkle in the eye and a broad beaming smile. On the other hand, if those teeth are bared in a snarl and the glint is more of a glare, the level of affection is liable to be vanishingly small.

Affection level = 0%

<pause to get another bucket of tea>

     Normally Conrad would never actually type out "Cheeky Bugger" and would resort to a bit of creative Spoonerism with "Beeky Chugger".
     So - apologies for taking so long to get here - next time you visit town and are accosted by someone shilling for the RSPB or American Bird Convservancy, you have my permission to dismiss them as a "Beaky Chugger".

<drum roll cymbal clash>

You cannot POSSIBLY illustrate this word, so here's some flowers instead

*  At least in my own head
**  I'm not entirely sure what these things are.  Digital devil-boxes, anyway.
***  This may also get me in trubble