Game Of Holmes

That Only Works If You Say It Out Loud
However, if you are reading this on your mobile on the bus/tram/train/howdah into work, please remember your fellow passengers and avoid alarming them.  Conrad has found that talking to yourself is an excellent way to guarantee nobody sits next to you, yes, except I doubt you have the same sinister mein that he has, and consequently you won't be able to pull it off.
     Okay, now that we've gone thoroughly off-topic, let me pull the reins of our dewback and veer back on course.
     Yes, you guessed correctly, that title does refer to Sherlock Holmes and specifically to the television series "Elementary".

"Art," said Conrad in a dangerous tone -

     'Ah yes, the American "Sherlock"' quoth Tom at lunchtime yesterday when I raised the matter.  
     Here an aside.  About Tom.  I may have to destroy him ahead of schedule as he's getting delusions about world domination, and we cannot have two such alpha males as he and I in the same environment.  If you hear about a terrible accident involving Tom and vampire custard, rest assured I will have a concrete alibi.
     "Lemon Tree" is how Wonder Wifey describes "Elementary", to hilarious effect.  Don't laugh at her, this is MY blog, not hers.  

Lucy Liu and some bloke

     The series is indeed set in South Canada, and yes it does feature Sherlock Holmes in a contemporary setting.  Doctor Watson, however, is played by a woman, Lucy Liu.  All credit to Martin Freeman playing the doctor in "Sherlock", yet your humble scribe still prefers to look at Ms. Liu.  I know, I know, it'll never work and she's happily married, but dammit a man can dream -

One of my nicer ones

     Anyway, I have encountered it occasionally, not paying a lot of attention until Monday night, when I sat up and paid attention because of the language used - "iota" "cadaver" "convocation" because Conrad, as we all well know, is big on words*.
     Your humble scribe is also something of a glutton and was scarfing bolognaise on toasted rolls, whilst on-screen the coroner was waving aloft a bag containing the corpse's stomach contents.  Namely a person who had been ground to mince in an industrial mincing machine and then made into sausages.  Naturally Our Hero could not resist opening the sample bag to get a good inhalation of it's fragrant bouquet.  This did cause him to wince and experience incipient retching.  Did I stop eating whilst this was going on?  Not for a second!

Corpse-grinding for fun and profit!

Overtaken By Events
I wrote this out at lunchtime, and I ain't going to waste it simply because Real Life.  So!
  I suppose common sense dictates that I ought to refrain a bit - okay a lot - from ladling bilious invective over First Bus, because with the increase in traffic at BOOJUM! they are bound to find out what I think of them.  This will cause their stock to fall, the Managing Director to go into a decline and birds to stop roosting.
     So, what am I fulminating about today?
     You could call this a sin of omission.  Recall, if you will, and even if you won't, what your modest artisan has said of the Great Sink Hole of Royton.  Only now have First accomodated reality and put up information on their website about how the 409 service is affected.  Art?

The evidence

     This information, of course, COMPLETELY contradicts what the driver told us on Friday.  Nor does it mention the 24.  
     I have a theory about this.  Whilst the crass and materialistic 409 is made of steel, plastic and rubber, the 24 is made out of moonbeams and fairy dust and will simply float o'er that sink hole.
     Well, no, here comes that Real Life I mentioned.  The sink hole is fixed and the buses are now running normally!
     For now.  Let us wait a little and see how First manage to screw this up.

Now For A Little Sohtab
Or, going from the ridiculous to the sublime.  Allow me to introduce you to The Mansion's brand new KETTLE!

     I realise this may seem rather like "small earthquake in Chile" to those of you out there who fly helicopter gunships for a living, or who wrestle Gators for Glory**.  Not so here in The Mansion, because this baby is going to get a pummelling.  Dont' forget all the tea that your talented typist consumes, plus the Kim Chi noodle soup.  Pummelled, I tell you, pummelled!  Especially come January, when I will be going sober for the month.

Now This Is Interesting
You all know how Conrad likes his music, and how Fopp! in Manchester is a second home to him.  Well, catch this:

Regard Old Nick.
Not quite the Devil, but getting there, frankly

     We haven't actually reached the end of 2016, which I will allow to pass, although you know I am usually a fearful stickler for this sort of thing being done accurately.
     One of the things about Fopp! that impresses Conrad is that the staff obviously know and enjoy music just as much as their customers, so this list is going to be an interesting read.  You never know, this crusty old grump may already have a few.

Finally -
Hey, look what I discovered whilst - er - researching on Teh Interwebz!

Conrad unsure if gourmet sausages feature anywhere

 * You are reading some of them, after all.
** Is my American street argot accurate?

Hear Me Carp - About Aeolian Harp

Perhaps A Little Definition Would Help
When I say "Carp" I am not referring to the fish, rather instead to the pronounced ability I have to complain about things.  Carping.  You know Conrad - or if you don't then I shall certainly enlighten you - whose default emotional condition is permanently set at "Cross".  This morning, thanks to a monstrous miles-long traffic jam and despite the best efforts of The Flophouse podcasters, that condition went to "Very Cross".

Here we see merely "Cross"
But that could change at any moment ...

     "Er - yes, quite," I hear you querulously comment.  "And what brings on todays venting of spleen?"
     I'm so glad you asked!  You - may not be quite so happy.  Still, bear with us, bear with us.
     I'm talking about a crossword answer.  Can't remember the actual clue, which isn't that important because I want to bang on about the answer, which was:

"Aeolian Harp"

     Because I am widely-read, and have a retentive memory*, I knew what the answer was, but, Ned's Atomic Dustbin!  How on earth were other, more normal people supposed to know the answer?
     "Refresh my memory about Harps Aeolian," I can hear you quibble.  "They've slipped my mind of late, not having eaten one for ages."
     Leaving aside your worrying dietary habits, let us move on to an explanation.

Two of the little rascals

     The context above is important.  Aeolian harps were intended to be played by the wind alone, hence they are placed outside and left untouched by human hand.  They were big in the Classical world, which is where Conrad encountered them in literature of the period, but once again, Dog Buns!  How would the average human know this?

A Modern Look At The Nursery Book
More specifically, nursery rhymes.
     If you have been reading BOOJUM! for any length of time, then you know that Conrad has a maliciously unpleasant sense of humour, which mostly involves pointing and laughing at other people as they experience misfortune.
     Let us turn that livid and sinister eye upon the humble nursery rhyme, shall we?  Yes, they are an easy target - what, you want or expect nobility from Conrad? - and I thoroughly intend to beat the humour out of this topic with a big stick.  Beat beat beat!
     So, "Wee Willie Winkie" -

"Wee Willie Winkie runs through the town,

Upstairs and downstairs, in his nightgown"

Neglected AND exploited!

          That's quite enough of that, thank you!  His parents were arrested and charged with neglect and William got sent to a children's secure hostel.  But the council did buy him pyjamas.
     Okay, flailing away with our big stick -

"Georgie Porgie, pudding and pie,

Kissed the girls and made them cry."

     It is unclear from this fragment what age Georgie is, but if he is over 18 then we are looking at serious prison time.  Mind you, if I were his defence lawyer I would lay it on thick about Georgie being confused about gender identity in today's shifting sexualised landscape and with poor understanding of the delimitations of personal space, since he was raised by weasels**.

Crocodile tears, mate, crocodile tears.

An Oddity
Here's a thing.  From Conrad's ceaseless repetition, you probably recall that Britain, back in the day when you could still call her "Great" and not get hissed, had a fleet of strategic bombers known collectively as the "V" bombers.  This is because - you probably realised this already but we have to make allowances for the newcomers - their names all began with the letter "V":  The Valiant, the Victor and the Vulcan.
     Surprise surprise:


     I don't have to point out that one is a jet bomber carrying H-bombs and the other - ah, I see you get it.  The trend continues:


     Again, one of these is made out of woodpulp and the other looks like it flew straight out of "Thunderbirds".
     But wait!  We're not done yet -


     One of these travels at treetop height on it's way to introduce the Sinisters to buckets of instant sunshine, and the other is made of trees.
     BOOJUM! - ever one to notice the unusual.

Ooops.  Almost at count.  Well, let us throw in this, that I found whilst trawling Teh Interwebz:

     It tickled my sense of humour, but I can't possibly comment because that would combine both Politics and Current Affairs, and WE CAN'T HAVE THAT!

Oh V, 'Tis Of Thee
We've had the Valiant, Victor and Vulcan, now say hello to the Vultee Vengeance.  Art?

Verily, a VV

     Although this was an American designed and built aircraft, they didn't use it.  Instead we Brits did, in large numbers, and I only include it here because that way we can all have more V's, which are not only delicious and economical, but have no calories.

Hi mom!

*  Retentive, yes.  Well-organised or indexed - er - no.
**  RABID weasels - the best kind of parent!