BOOJUM!: Film Fan Flim Flam

Yes, We Shall Be Speaking Of Films Today
I know I was earlier, whilst also mentioning "Oscar", and this time we might make a tangential reference to the iconic film award.
First of all, nothing to do with film, everything to do with cats, and an ENTIRELY understandable mistake your humble scribe - indeed anyone - might have made. Let me explain. Anna posted about going to the Manchester Cat Cafe. Art?

Meat on the hoof?

Looking at pictures like this, it's easy to think of customers pointing and saying "I'll have that one!" as they're nice and fresh. Roast, stuffed, casseroled, served on a bed of rice, that sort of thing.
Er - no. Capital NO.
The cats are only an accompaniment, and not in the sense of a side order of onion rings or sweet potato chips. I did wonder, Anna being one of those people not at all keen on munching on animals in any form -
So, whilst dining, you have to fight off a horde of entitled felines who are all convinced that what's on your plate is actually theirs by right of inheritance? Hmmm.
No. However, canny investors, if I can interest you in Conrad's concept of a Tortoise Cafe ...*

"Star Trek: Beyond" - A State Of Consciousness BOOJUM! Review
Watch out because there are SPOILERS ahead. I have waited a few weeks to post this, just so those of you out there who feel directionless and worthless without something to complain about, can't complain.
It must be good, Mark Kermode - long time fan of The Comsat Angels may I remind you - went to see it twice.
SPOILER-filled review follows.

Peace negotiations do not go well (scale played for laughs). Recap of the story so far - 966 days into the 5 year mission. Birthday drinkies, Jim and the Doc. Starbase "Yorktown", which is right out on the frontier, and exceedingly big. Busy, too, for somewhere in the middle of nowhere. Spock sneaks off.
Aha! A rescue mission to carry out, into the nebula. Which has an awful lot of rocks for a gaseous astronomical phenomenon.
Wouldn't you know, it was a trap. The Enterprise is cut to bits and what's left of it is abandoned by the crew. Jim hides the Alien MacGuffin the ambushers were after.
Prisoners taken to a city of giant pumpkins. The Doc and Spock crash-land and Doc has to carry out remedial surgery with a bit of white-hot metal. Scotty meets up with Jayla, a girl taught fashion tips by zebras. She takes him back to her groovy pad, also known as the USS Franklin.

Scotty, a simple chap, impressed by a flashlight

Suluhuru make a break for it and get caught, getting introduced to Krall, the evil alien leader, who monologues in a mysterious fashion (which makes sense later on).
Jim and Chekhov flip their saucer and ensure the treacherous Wafflehead is dead (the "saucer" here is the Enterprise).
Jim and Chekhov and Scotty and Jayla all meet up. The Franklin is revealed in all it's shabby grandeur.
Krall has now got the Alien MacGuffin, which when activated releases a swarm of killer bees.

Caution! Do not allow near Starbases!

Or something. He's off to destroy Starbase Yorktown! Except the rejuvenated Franklin gets there at the same time and blows up his fleet of attack ships.
Ah, a twist in the tail. Krall is actually Benedict, who yadda-yadda-yadda trained killer blether-blether-blether - mummy issues - witter-witter-witter - alien life-stretching technology. Or something.
Anyway, he gets eaten by his own killer metal bees, Sulu is gay and Jim doesn't get vapourised by falling into a fan.
Big birthday party and the bit I liked best, a stop-motion assembly over time of a new Enterprise.

There you are. Starbase Yorktown - able to build anything

The Worst Of The Year Part 2
It says something for the sheer perversity of your humble scribe that he is only interested in one film in Mark Kermode's - long time fan of The Comsat Angels may I remind you - Top 10 of the year so far - "High Rise" as directed by the extremely good and extremely dark Ben Wheatley - and yet he would love to watch ALL of the Worst.

A real sense of "Clockwork Orange" about it

Just for research, you understand.
"Yes yes yes, Conrad, get on with it, for the QVC Gem Auction begins shortly," I hear you quaver.
Pausing only to congratulate you on your good taste in television viewing, here are the top 5 cinematic clunkers:

"Criminal"; because it is. About a "brainsplant" that goes wrong, or right. Or something.

Image result for the incredible two headed transplant 1971

The inspiration?

"50 Shades of Black": what if "50 Shades of Gray" was a comedy about a black man? Except without any comedy.
"London Has Fallen": "Team America without any comedy"**. And indeed most of London does appear to fall down after being blown up.