An Embarrassment Of Riches -

 - Kind Of
That is, if you can call the drivel that pours forth from my keyboard "riches".  Perhaps more along the lines of "well-offs", or perhaps "not-quite-poverty-strickens".
     "Conrad!" I hear you calling.  "Have you been at the cooking sherry again?"
     Not a bit of it!  No, I refer instead to the gems of illuminative thought that pour from my mind, via a pen and notebook and into BOOJUM!  I have about three hours worth of input and it's already nearly half nine - part of the reason being that it was the final of The Great British Bake Off, so I didn't sit down to type until well after nine - pumpkin puree, don't you know* - and I was late home after doing overtime.
     Enough preamble**!  On with the motley!

First, a joke
Q) Why is a First Bus driver like a cranky pensioner?
A) Because they can't handle change!
     Entirely true.  If you wave a £20 note under the supercilious nose of a First Bus driver, they don't want to know and you get a free ride.  One imagines that if it were a £50 they'd grovel at your feet, sell the bus and give you the proceeds.

Like garlic to vampires.

Tartarus
No! Not a confectionery business.  Conrad has a passing interest in classical Roman and Greek culture, the roads, the baths, the wars, and of course the mythology.  Until today his understanding of exactly what "Hades" constituted was a bit hazy.  And to get to Tartarus one needs to get past Hades, metaphorically.
     Hades was the abode of the dead.  No, not the ancient equivalent of Hell, it was merely a region specifically for the dead to reside in, divided into different districts.

Shades.  Close enough

     Tartarus, now, that was Hell.  Situated - this is really poetic - as far beneath Hades as Hades was below Heaven, it was the ultimate destination for the corrupt and the wicked***.  One exemplary resident was King Sisyphus, who despite the name (say it out loud) was nothing of a sissy at all.  In fact he was a bit of a dastard, killing guests who stayed with him, in addition to seducing his niece.  What really got him into trouble, however, was blabbing about whom Zeus was sleeping with.  In those days there was no "News Of The World" ethic nor tabloid paparazzi either, so it was down to Tartarus for Sisyphus.  He was condemned to roll a rock to the peak of a hill, except that just before he reached the top - the rock rolled all the way down again^.
     Sisyphus.  Inventor of rock and roll.

Tarts R us.  Close enough

The Great British Bake Off
Yes, the final tonight, with only Richard, Nancy and Luis left.  And what do the programme makers do that sets Conrad's (surgically-sharpened) teeth on edge?  They do not provide a spelling of the exotic titles being baked!
     Bad Auntie!  Naughty Auntie!  No licence-fee increase for you^^!
     I shall guess that we are talking about "Viennoise" in the Signature round.  These are pastries, and what does Nancy choose to bake but "Kites"!  Damn I missed that one for the themed blog.  Anyway, they had to make two different kinds and each came out 50/50 in terms of achievement. No differentiation between them.  Still neck and neck!

Beautiful and cultured, at the centre of Europe: Vienna

     Then the Technical.  Nothing complicated: a victoria sponge, a scone and a tart au citron, except the judges wanted 12 of each - in 2 hours.  With no recipes given.  For those of you not familiar with baking, this is really against the clock.  Time management as much a skill as baking.  Luis and Richard didn't manage too well, but Nancy scored with both Paul and Mary.
     Lastly, the Showstopper.  Again no spelling Auntie!  Conrad makes a stab at "Piece Montaigne", that is, a giant bit of confectionery.  By coincidence both Richard and Nancy make windmills, whilst Luis makes a mine - as in coal, not explosive.
     Who won?  See the asterisk list below as I don't want to spoil anything for you!
     As our resident lodger, part-time author and full-time American, Degsy declared: "Very British!"
     Conrad won't know quite what to do of a Wednesday evening now^^^.

Piers Morgan, easily confused.
(Guns?  In America?  Who knew!)

Film Faults
As you surely know by now, Conrad is a monstrously pedantic hair-splitting spelling and grammar Nazi (and those are my good points).
     Anyway, I suddenly took umbrage - don't worry, I put it back later on - at a film title.
     Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I present "Voyage To The Bottom Of The Sea".
     True, the television series has an awesome theme tune:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ufYqySOf9V8
     - never have electronic chickens sounded better.
     My point is that the Seaview travels to the bottom of the OCEAN in addition to the various seas encountered en route.

Not entirely sure how this got to the bottom of the ocean.
(Unless it's in the Somerset Levels)

     But wait!  That's not all.  Remember "Arachnophobia"?  That film from the Nineties with Jeff Daniels and a busload of spiders.  Jeff, I salute you.  You will never have to prove your courage to Conrad in any way after this film.
     Let us move from hero to zero.  Julian Sands plays a British entemologist - Hooray! a British character actor in an American film who's not a villain! - although he is an idiot.  Supposedly all knowledgeable about spiders and other hideous crawling vermin, our Intelligent Idiot strolls into a barn full of GIGANTIC SPIDERWEBS.  He sees countless insect and rodent corpses strung up in GIGANTIC SPIDERWEBS.  He walks up to a GIGANTIC SPIDERWEB - I may be labouring the point here but I want to get across that these GIGANTIC SPIDERWEBS were probably created by a GIGANTIC SPIDER.  Mr Intelligent Idiot would, you suppose, realise that.  What does he do when he encounters the GIGANTIC SPIDERWEB?  Why, he twangs it like a guitar string.
     And then the GIGANTIC SPIDER kills him.
     Good!  The world can always stand to have one less idiot in it.

Morecambe Sands.  As intelligent as Julian's character

There is more to come.  Conrad has been keeping a weather eye out for posters advertising "Fury", the WW2 drama featuring Brad Pitt.  Out on October 22nd, and you know I really will have to go see it, if only to determine if the tanks are done properly.
     I have seen the trailer, which looks the business.  Oh, and what's this I also espy on a bus poster?  "WAR IS COMING"
     Wow, no beating about the bush there!  There's WAR, and it's not dodging about in the background.  No, it's on it's way and it's COMING.  Where, pray tell, is it coming to?


     Sleepy Hollow.
     Bathos.  Utter bathos.  Gentlemen, look at "Fury".  Even the name is evocative.  "Sleepy Hollow"? It sounds like a suburb of Ambridge.

Chucking-out time in Ambridge

* Take note Ms Pavlou, take note.
** Funny how you never hear about getting beyond the preamble and into the amble, eh?
*** Like Radio Two, but without the music
^ Don't knock it, this is incredibly mild by the standards of Tartarine justice.
^^ No, this isn't currant affairs, it's been an issue for generations.  Says I.
^^^ Oh!  yes I do!  Plot to take over the world.  I've neglected this shockingly of late.  And Nancy won