That's Not A Tank!

Conrad The Pedant Rides Again!
     There is a misconception amongst journalists, presenters, You The Public and film producers that anything with tracks is a tank.
     NO!  Wrong!  go to the back of the class!
     This is a tank:

A Challenger 2.  A tank-man's tank.  Very - tanky

     This is a tank:

A T-34/85.  Proof of Nazism's folly

     This is also a tank, but even the dimmest reptilian scribbler or Californian studio head would realise it's not the kind of tank Conrad is on about:

Not very mobile, for one thing

     You could argue that this is a tank - and Mussolini did - but it's more like a self-propelled machine gun:

CV33.  Unlike FIATs today, this was unreliable.  Rubbish mileage, too.

Oh No, Not Mythbusters!
     One of the few television programmes that Conrad makes an effort to watch is, obviously - obviously! - "Mythbusters".  This is because they have a splendid track record of blowing things up, and retired FBI agent Frank, who oversees explosives being set off, is almost a series regular.
     Given that the cast attempt to demonstrate, define, destroy or deflate myths, legends, tall tales, apocrypha and anecdotes in as scientific a manner as possible, Conrad's atomic-powered blood-pumping unit* nearly malfunctioned when it saw this:

Caption:"who would let Tori loose on a tank?!"

     Now, as is obvious at this size, that is NOT a tank.
     No it isn't!  Trust me on this.  It's an Abbot Self-Propelled Gun, an artillery piece mounted on a tracked hull to allow artillery firepower to keep up with tank formations.  It has hardly any armour - because IT'S NOT A TANK! and hence is not intended to fight other tanks.
     I do like Tori's face, though.  Given that this is the guy who almost smashed his face to bits in an Epic Fail bit of bicycle riding, one shudders to think what he'll do with a 20 ton vehicle capable of 30 m.p.h.

These Are Not Tanks!
     There are, as far as Conrad knows, two post-war Italian films about the battle of El Alamein.
     One, made in 1969, is appalling drivel.  Conrad will only be able to watch it if drunk off his - well, let us just say completely potatoed.  Why?  Well because at one point the massed tanks of the Eighth Army are represented by obviously - obviously! - remote controlled models.

Like these, except not as realistic

     The other one, made in 2002 and with the sub-heading "Line Of Fire" is far, far superior.  It does have a bit of a problem - at one point most of the gallant Italian defenders of an isolated outpost are over-run by British tanks.  Now, British WW2-era tanks are not easy to come by.  They are, in fact, extremely bloody difficult to get hold of at all, let alone in numbers, let alone in numbers that actually run.
     So - the producers get around this problem ingeniously.  Some people do carp - 

See how they did it!

     - but they used modern armoured personnel carriers, draped comprehensively with netting and camouflage, and filmed at night, so it's not at all clear what's going on.  Nicely done.

Yes It's A Tank But It's The WRONG One!
     If you were watching a film about, ooh, Formula One racing cars, and one of the drivers was at pole position in an Austin Morris, it would seriously detract from your enjoyment of the film, wouldn't it?
     Conrad (and Al Murray) both feel the same way about tanks.  Get it right or don't bother!
     An example or it never happened?  O a challenge!
     Take this bit of kit:

That sound is Conrad grinding his teeth

     That's an M47, an American from 1947 tank dubbed the "Patton", so it didn't exist in WW2.  Notice that it stands out wonderfully against the snow, as apparently camouflage doesn't exist in this universe.  If you look hard you may see the Maltese cross painted on the side that denotes it's a German tank -
     <at this point Mister Hand has to intervene to prevent Conrad from having a myocardial infarction>

Finally
     After all the blood and thunder, here's a pink Warrior Infantry Fighting Vehicle:

BUT IT'S NOT A TANK!

     Thank you for listening to a rant.  Tomorrow - THIS IS NOT SCIENCE-FICTION!