What's this? I hear you comment, gentle reader, for BOOJUM! steers clear of unpleasantnesses like politics, football and Madonna.
Well, seeking inspiration for a title today, I picked a chapter heading from "Biggles Follows On", where our hero, accompanied by Ginger, ventures behind the Iron Curtain ...
Younger readers might need prompting about exactly what the "Iron curtain" was. Soviet-occupied Eastern Europe languished behind this barrier, which sought to distance it from the capitalistic NATO-led Wicked West. It was difficult to get behind the Iron Curtain, and even trickier to get out, especially if you were a native.
Long gone days!
| Ironed curtain. Close enough. |
Humbug
Ah, another word with all sorts of meanings and connotations. Let us analyse it. No, I don't care if you have other plans, we're going to analyse "humbug".
The Sweet
There doesn't seem to be any explanation why the humble mint humbug is called a "humbug". Here's scads of the little humbuggers:
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| In this context, it's not swearing |
Being very fond of mint, Conrad has of course devoured several tons of humbugs in his lifetime. As you can see, they are cylindrical, with alternating bands of brown-and-white or black-and-white, and are hard-boiled.
The Creature
This creature comes in two versions, both derived from the same source: "The Phantom Tollbooth" by Norton Juster. Here we have the novel's version:
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| Black-and-white Humbug. Probably tastes minty, too |
| More colourful, still an idiot |
The Humbug excels at being wrong, offering bad advice and being a dramatic counterweight to Tock, the Watch-dog. He isn't necessarily bad, just a bit of a tool.
The Phrase
"Bah, Humbug", as expostulated by Scrooge in "A Christmas Carol". In this sense it means fraudulent or false, faked or fibbing. Another word with no satisfactory origin, and an absolute gift to authors who want to mix the sweet with the metaphor
| Black-and-white alternating stripes. Do you see a theme here? |
Cowboy Baked Beans
Another slow-cooker recipe from the "Healthy Slow Cooker Cook Book" - I laid into the title yesterday, that's enough, we don't want to be cruel, do we? - where Conrad substituted Morrison's bargain-basement cider for apple juice.
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| One hour into cooking - cooking healthily, don't you know? |
No, I don't know why they're "Cowboy" baked beans. No milk or beef in them. And no, I still don't know why they're called Chewy Monkey Bars, either.
A Rant About Marmalade
Allow me to vent some spleen. Robertson's you're the guilty party here! They have Golden Shred Marmalade, which is a rather thin version of what marmalade ought to be - oranges preserved in sugar. Still, it does have orange peel in it - the "Shred" of the title.
Now, the news turns bad. Robertson's also do a "Shredless" Orange marmalade.
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| The sinister truth laid bare |
THIS WILL NOT DO, SIR! IT WILL NOT DO AT ALL!
If it doesn't have any shreds of orange in it, then it isn't marmalade any more, merely a syrup flavoured with citrus. Take it away! Propel it at speed away from Conrad's breakfast table and don't let it back again.
More Marmalade Ranting
I know what you're thinking - but yes, Conrad can support even more criticisms of breakfast accoutrements. Okay, he bought the Morrison's brand of Lime Marmalade - which, for some reason, Dogsitty Daughter declared to be a sin against taste - because it was cheaper than the Rose's version.
Hmm, decided Conrad as he neared the bottom of the jar. There's not much lime in here, is there?
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| Proof, reader, proof |
Don't we have a lime going spare? And a citrus zester?
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| Why yes! Yes we do! |
Thirty seconds of zesting and mixing and we now have an enshredded jar of Lime Marmalade. Conrad looks forward to breakfast tomorrow!
A Little Critique
Conrad likes the Chemical Brothers, because he <thinks he*> is trendy and hip, and they have come a long way since the early Block-Rocking Beats days. Anyway, he was listening to "Wonders Of The Deep", the lyrics of which are quite smothered in the mix until the last chorus. Earlier there is a splendidly humanitarian verse:
Look after your brothers and sisters
They need you
They need each other
Very right-on, don't you think? The problem is that it's delivered in a creepy vocoded lyric that sounds like it's a Cyberman grooving down - possibly spray-painted pink with day-glo heart-stencils and a big "E" on it's chest - but still a Cyberman.
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| It wouldn't surprise me ... |
How Is Your Conscience?
Yes, how is it? Because I know what you've being doing. It may not be illegal, but it certainly is immoral, and when that act goes through Parliament it'll be criminal, too. Then you'll have to get your jollies in a different way, won't you? As a matter of fact it's already illegal in Norway and they may be sending a team over to liaise with the RSPCA.
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| Proof of your transgression. Look, voles are NOT stunt animals! |
What will it take to stop Conrad publishing the photographs, you ask? and following-up with a Youtube video and a live Twitter feed?
You can redeem your activities by making a generous donation to the Pavlou sisters, who are running for an animal charity in the Edinburgh Marathon (the Dog's Trust), linked heretofore:
http://www.justgiving.com/edinburghmarathon2014
* Qualification added by Mister Hand, who knows how things really stand
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