That's Not A Tank!

Conrad The Pedant Rides Again!
     There is a misconception amongst journalists, presenters, You The Public and film producers that anything with tracks is a tank.
     NO!  Wrong!  go to the back of the class!
     This is a tank:

A Challenger 2.  A tank-man's tank.  Very - tanky

     This is a tank:

A T-34/85.  Proof of Nazism's folly

     This is also a tank, but even the dimmest reptilian scribbler or Californian studio head would realise it's not the kind of tank Conrad is on about:

Not very mobile, for one thing

     You could argue that this is a tank - and Mussolini did - but it's more like a self-propelled machine gun:

CV33.  Unlike FIATs today, this was unreliable.  Rubbish mileage, too.

Oh No, Not Mythbusters!
     One of the few television programmes that Conrad makes an effort to watch is, obviously - obviously! - "Mythbusters".  This is because they have a splendid track record of blowing things up, and retired FBI agent Frank, who oversees explosives being set off, is almost a series regular.
     Given that the cast attempt to demonstrate, define, destroy or deflate myths, legends, tall tales, apocrypha and anecdotes in as scientific a manner as possible, Conrad's atomic-powered blood-pumping unit* nearly malfunctioned when it saw this:

Caption:"who would let Tori loose on a tank?!"

     Now, as is obvious at this size, that is NOT a tank.
     No it isn't!  Trust me on this.  It's an Abbot Self-Propelled Gun, an artillery piece mounted on a tracked hull to allow artillery firepower to keep up with tank formations.  It has hardly any armour - because IT'S NOT A TANK! and hence is not intended to fight other tanks.
     I do like Tori's face, though.  Given that this is the guy who almost smashed his face to bits in an Epic Fail bit of bicycle riding, one shudders to think what he'll do with a 20 ton vehicle capable of 30 m.p.h.

These Are Not Tanks!
     There are, as far as Conrad knows, two post-war Italian films about the battle of El Alamein.
     One, made in 1969, is appalling drivel.  Conrad will only be able to watch it if drunk off his - well, let us just say completely potatoed.  Why?  Well because at one point the massed tanks of the Eighth Army are represented by obviously - obviously! - remote controlled models.

Like these, except not as realistic

     The other one, made in 2002 and with the sub-heading "Line Of Fire" is far, far superior.  It does have a bit of a problem - at one point most of the gallant Italian defenders of an isolated outpost are over-run by British tanks.  Now, British WW2-era tanks are not easy to come by.  They are, in fact, extremely bloody difficult to get hold of at all, let alone in numbers, let alone in numbers that actually run.
     So - the producers get around this problem ingeniously.  Some people do carp - 

See how they did it!

     - but they used modern armoured personnel carriers, draped comprehensively with netting and camouflage, and filmed at night, so it's not at all clear what's going on.  Nicely done.

Yes It's A Tank But It's The WRONG One!
     If you were watching a film about, ooh, Formula One racing cars, and one of the drivers was at pole position in an Austin Morris, it would seriously detract from your enjoyment of the film, wouldn't it?
     Conrad (and Al Murray) both feel the same way about tanks.  Get it right or don't bother!
     An example or it never happened?  O a challenge!
     Take this bit of kit:

That sound is Conrad grinding his teeth

     That's an M47, an American from 1947 tank dubbed the "Patton", so it didn't exist in WW2.  Notice that it stands out wonderfully against the snow, as apparently camouflage doesn't exist in this universe.  If you look hard you may see the Maltese cross painted on the side that denotes it's a German tank -
     <at this point Mister Hand has to intervene to prevent Conrad from having a myocardial infarction>

Finally
     After all the blood and thunder, here's a pink Warrior Infantry Fighting Vehicle:

BUT IT'S NOT A TANK!

     Thank you for listening to a rant.  Tomorrow - THIS IS NOT SCIENCE-FICTION!

Musical Foot Voodoo

Yes, I've Been Looking At "Empire"
     Still not entirely sure what "Musical Foot Voodoo" is, quite, but it sounds great, doesn't it?  And it explains so much about our world and where we sit in it.   Late in to work?  Because of Musical Foot Voodoo.  Balance of trade deficit?  To be laid fair and square at the - er - feet of Musical Foot Voodoo.  Too many eggs in the omelette?  It can only be Musical Foot Voodoo.  Lot of bad reality shows on television?  Lazy producers and studios making little effort to be creative.  Oh, and Musical Foot Voodoo as well, of course.

This actually came up when I Googled "Musical Foot Voodoo"

     I was thinking more along lines like this:

Definitely some Foot Voodoo going on here.  Plus, he's dancing, so it's Musical, too

Book Acquisitions
     The latest order from Naval & Military came in a rather large box, however most of it was packaging, honest, this is all that arrived:

     Conrad has already scanned the "Armoured Warfare" volume, at breakfast with a pot of tea.  Yes, most people would consider this to be "cruel and unusual punishment" but it really puts your humble scribe in a good mood.  Not all the photographs are rare, but the author does manage to put a different slant on those that have been seen before.
     Also acquired not 40 minutes ago is this volume:

     Not having his list to hand, Conrad wasn't sure if he already had it or not. What the heck, it was only £1.50 - and on perusing the List Of Books once I got home, it isn't on there.  Win-win all round*!

It Can Indeed Be Grim Up North. 
     Also Grey, Grimy and Gloomy, and if there's a word meaning "to rain incessantly all day long" that begins with a "g", you can add that to the list as well.  In my work environment the outer wall is composed completely of glass windows, that allow one to gaze out over Manchester's beating heart, so:

Car park, beating heart - easily confused

     A pallid, ash-grey, sodden and waterlogged heart of late, one has to say, down to one beat per minutes and a weak one at that.
     One hesitates to put the question but - have we already had our summer**?

Conrad - Wild Political Rebel!
     Wellllll, not really.  Conrad, as your average camouflaged alien spy, regards Hom. Sap's politics with bemused detachment.   Back home, you're told what to do, and you do it, or you go into the organ vats for recycling get told off.  So, by reading a novel written by the leading living American author - the "American" bit here is apparently significant - Conrad is seen to be thumbing his nose at The Establishment.  Who knew!
     Yes, yes, it is still "Against The Day".

Thousands of books. Every single one of them IS AMERICAN!
Start a rebellion - read a book

"Coronet Blue"
     Conrad hadn't heard of this television programme from the 1960's before this week; it was mentioned in a Wiki entry about the documentary series "The Invaders".  The premise of "Coronet Blue" is interesting: a man, Michael Alden, survives an assasination attempt but loses his memory and quotes two words when he returns to consciousness - "Coronet Blue".  He then tries to find out who he is - and why people are trying to kill him.

See?  The "O" is like a gunsight. Crazy symbolic Americans!

SPOILER ALERT


YES, REALLY SPOILER ALERT!


     The series was cancelled before reaching a conclusion but the creator explained that Michael Alden didn't really exist - he was actually a Russian spy, trained to imitate an American and part of a cell called "Coronet Blue".
     Yes, I know, I can tell what you're thinking***, "What is Conrad drivelling on about now?  A cult show from over 40 years ago?  Next he'll be telling us that "Star Treck" was a success."
     Well, take a look at the plot synopsis of a film featuring Liam Neeson - "Unknown".
     Now, if you've actually seen the film - are you having a "Coronet Blue" moment?

Liam Neeson.  Not the kind of chap to push in front of

Finally
     Conrad reverts to his usual trickery of having a cute animal photo.  In this case it is Edna, doing her rather subtle silent-begging routine.


*  Okay, "win-win if you have no mates, no social life, weird interests and a pet weasel"
** Yes, we probably have.  Hello autumn!
*** No, telepathy hasn't been invented.  But DARPA are working on it right now!