The Bottomhole Line

How Do You Like That Title, I Made It Up All By Myself

It's an adaptation of 'The bottom line' which is what South Canadian management slaver about and consider the be-all and end-all of human existence.  Your view may vary.

     ANYWAY before we get any further, I would like to introduce you to the Medieval English 'Wose' (the shortened form of 'Woodwose') the plural of which I am ordering to be 'Woses'.  Art!

WOSES

     The woses were primitive men of the forest, who did without plumbed toilets and wetwipes.  Nowadays they have to contend with deforestation and global warming, the woes of the wose, you might say.  So, if they were WOSES, the opposite must be SESOW?

     Don't worry, we haven't forgotten today's title, which is being narrated by the SEnior SOftWare engineer of Enormously Successful Software Organisation, hereafter ESSO - ah - yes well moving swiftly on.  Thanks to the 'Ripe' Youtube channel for this tale of greed leavened with stupidity.  SESOW is as up-to-the minute as it's possible to be, a citizen of the twenty-first century, the polar opposite of an unwashed nutter who thinks a pointy stick is the pinnacle of technology.  Art!

     That's SESOW after eight years with ESSO - er - yes - having worked his way up from Junior Developer, designing systems along the way that saved them millions, as well as having several patents with the business.  RED HERRING AHOY! don't worry about the patents, they don't recur.  

     Let me explain about the bottom line.  This is a company's final balance sheet, showing if it made a profit or loss over the year, and people at the C-suite level like to see the bottom line showing a profit, because this means they get A BIG FAT BONUS.  The greedier and stupider C-suite members don't care about the company long term, only about their BIG FAT BONUS.  Did I mention the BIG FAT BONUS enough?

    Who else got a bonus?  Why the senior staff, awarded on an annual basis if they hit their KPIs, as SESOW had done, and whom looked to be getting $25,000 later in the year, as long as they were still gainfully employed.

    Under SESOW's contract, which he'd signed 8 years ago at this date, he got a severance package based on length of service, performance and <drum roll trumpet flourish> the company's valuation.  AT TERMINATION.  There was nobody left at ESSO - um - yes, well - who knew this salient fact, certainly not Buzzword Bottomhole the CEO, who had only been appointed 18 months previously.

     BB then began a process of 'interviewing' all the senior staff in 1-2-1  meetings, including SESOW, whom was told he was being fired the day before his bonus was due.  Ooops.  Art!

     "We are making organisational changes, and I've been asked to evaluate the cost structure, especially in engineering," quoth BB, none of which was true, as the reasons for being fired.  

     A furious SESOW went home and re-read his contract.  Yup.  His severance is to be calculated using base salary, length of service, performance ratings and ESSO's - hm - well - current valuation.  When he originally signed his contract the business had been worth $50 million; eight years later it was worth at least $200 million.  He calculated his severance payment, which topped out at <trumpet flourish drum roll> $1.5 million.  

     Oooops.

     At the official termination meeting, BB offers three month's salary as severance (possibly in the region of $50,000), claiming that "Our legal team reviewed your file", which is revealed as a blatant lie when SESOW presents his actual termination sum.  BB goes white and stammers that their attorneys will need to look through it WHICH THEY HAD ALREADY DONE according to his previous statement.  Someone is telling porky pies.  Art!

Great big ones, too

     Tellingly, CEO, in his panicked state, admits that the Board knew nothing about SESOW's contractual details.  Which is ESSO's - yeah - well - problem, not SESOW's.

     The company's legal team, the Chief Financial Officer and a Board member all try to deny the severance, by arguing:

1)  It should have been based on the original valuation date.  Instantly shot down by the contractual details.

2)  His performance was insufficient, except he had 8 Exceeding ratings.

3)  Terminated for cause, dropped within 5 minutes due to 0% evidence.

4)  It was a typo.  Not SESOW's problem!  Art!

You'll see

     Two weeks later the company lawyers declared the contract 'iron-clad' and they had to pay SESOW.

     Lo and behold, the furious Board immediately conducted an investigation into what happened, focussing on Buzzword Bottomhole.  They find he had been doing lots of unilateral actions such as the one they were furious about, without notifying the Board nor seeking legal counsel - I told you "Our legal team reviewed your file" was a lie - and forced him to resign two months later.  Why not fire him?  If they did that then they'd have to pay his unemployment.

     SESOW thus had enough money to sit around and decide what to do next, which for good or ill did not involve returning to ESSO - phew last use of that acronym - and instead set up his own consulting company.  I think they'd be too ashamed to ever make him an offer.  Art!

     The business reviewed everyone's contracts to ensure there were no more financial booby-traps a-waiting, better late than never I suppose.

The Ever-Shrinking Suit

Lawsuit, that is.  I refer, of course - obviously! - to Fat Caligula's $10 billion lawsuit against the BBC, which has now dropped the economic part completely, since it meant King Piggy would need to permit the Beeb's attorneys access to all his financial details.  Can't have that!  Art?

     Enter Richard Cooper, BBC Director of Digital Distribution, brought a set of data that rather undercut's DJ Tango's allegations that his reputation was harmed by the 'Panorama' program.  For one thing, it was never shown on South Canadian television.  Therefore, anyone being influenced would have had to stream it.

     570,000 people streamed it.  O that's a lot! I hear you quaver.

     Yes, except only 285 of those were South Canadian.

     Only 35 were in Florida.

     The figures are for the whole of 2024, not the week leading up to the election.

     So, as many as 6 people may have seen it in that week pre-election, or 0.6 people in Florida.  

     I am not an attorney but I don't think this case is going to yield more than a few cents for BOOH.  Art!

Cheapo Lipton Alternative Is A Go

You will have seen bottles of the Lipton's 'Iced Tea' carbonated swill for sale in shops, and jolly pricey it is too.  Art!

     £2.20 for a bottle.  Conrad likes it, though not that much.  So, what does an inventive yet penny-pinching eldster do?  Art!

     He gets a bottle of the cheapest lemonade going at Lidl, for all of £0.50, empties out a few inches, sticks a funnel in the top and pours in a heaped tablespoon of loose leaf tea.  Leave for a couple of hours and voila, tea-flavoured lemonade, quite distinctive in nature.  Nil alcohol content thanks to the Summer of Sober (Day 78 so far).

No, For Obvious Reasons

The news algorithm is throwing up wobblers again.  Art!

     No.  No, it is not.  Conrad lives in This Sceptred Isle, with a whole ocean between South Canada and I.  Besides which, our codes are 'Post Codes', which I deal with many times daily in my work routine and which are far better-named.

     Also, if you left a vehicle registration plate at the side of the road in Texas, by morning it would have been riddled with gunfire.  Beer and guns, a winning combination where nothing can possibly go wrong.

Finally -

Conrad is now onto Episode 8 of 'Falling Skies' and has to confess I didn't recognise Noah Wyle absent the filthy furry face fungus.  Art!

     Conrad, being a pedant of the very worst, or best, <delete where applicable> kind, wondered how long it took him to grow the beard and 'tache back for subsequent episodes?  Enquiring minds would like to know.