You'll See
Were I to begin this Intro by blathering on about being 'Close To The Edge' and rock, you might well consider that I was yarking about Yes's seminal album from the Seventies, with immaculate production work by Eddie Offord. Which, of course - obviously! - allows me to use the album as not-at-all clickbait. Art!
Artwork by Roger Dean; we like to give the artists credit where we can. Not that I think such a hydrographical feature is possible in nature, given erosion over time and h
ANYWAY were I also to make mention of a 'Pluton', you might, albeit a little confusedly, make a connection with the French tactical nuclear missile that they used to deploy back in Cold War days. Art!
Paris is known as the 'City of Light' and with this weapon the M8s could have turned Moscow into one, too, for all of three-fifths of a second.
But nay! for we are talking about a natural phenomenon that is far deadlier than the Pluton, and which has been around for several million years longer than even vinyl records: Half Dome. Art!
There you go, that's the 'close to the edge' title reference out of the way. We need one of the feature in toto, mind, so let me inspire Art with this red-hot toasting-fork -
You can see why it gets it's name, nicht wahr? To all the South Canadian readers who are rolling their eyes in bored recognition, please bear in mind that 99% of the world is not acquainted with the stand-out features of Yosemite National Park. Your Humble Scribe had heard, vaguely, of Half Dome but knew nothing but the name.
Firstly, I am going to use the 'United States Geological Survey' description of Half Dome, as proof I'm not just copying Wikipedia. The giant half dome sits 8,800 PROUD IMPERIAL FEET above sea level, consisting of three smooth sides and a sheer cliff face on the north-west aspect. It is 5,000 feet high itself. It goes without saying, even if Conrad has to say it, a theme we shall return to frequently, that you ought NOT TO CLIMB HALF DOME if you suffer from altitude sickness. You know, it being at altitude. Composed of granodorite, a name you never expected to see today, HD is a magma chamber, technically known as a 'Pluton', that formed geological ages ago, waaaay underground. After quite a few years, erosion and uplift have brought it to light, whilst weathering has smoothed down most of it but caused expansion joints to form the sheer north-west face. Art!
As close as Conrad ever hopes to get
The USGS notes, without making a song and dance about it, that 'weathering' continues to this day, meaning rockfalls are to be expected. Art!
I shouldn't have to say this, except of course - obviously! - I have to: hiking up Half Dome is DANGEROUS, especially the last section when the cables are up. Being HAZARDOUS and potentially DEADLY and LETHAL on occasion means, obviously! - of course - that Hom. Sap. simply has to climb the benighted thing, a feat that was first achieved in 1875.
In order to limit the sheer number of people who feel that life is a gamble worth throwing the dice for, the National Park has a lottery system to award permits for ascending HD, giving out up to 50,000 permits per hiking season. Which will cost you $20 a pop. Land of the conditionally-free. They go up for sale in March for the 'season', which itself lasts from approximately late May to early October. Art!
As you can see from the map above, ascending to the top of HD is a long, long hike, with the round trip being from 12 to 16 PROUD IMPERIAL MILES. It is all uphill and involves ascending 4,500 feet. Average times to complete the whole circuit vary from 12 to 16 hours (!). So, the Parks Service strongly recommends that hikers check sunrise and sunset times, as these are going to vary wildly over the span of 5 months. A flashlight and spare batteries are essential, and as they acidly explain, the feeble illumination provided by your mobile phone's puny light is not sufficient. Worryingly, they also suggest a compass and map, because that implies that the trail is either not apparent enough or marked well enough, so you may stray into the untamed wilderness alongside. Ooops. Art!
Please note that the Parks Service advise that 'relatively few' people have died on HD since 1919, which is when the cables were put up in place of an old rope system over the last 400 feet - the most dangerous stretch of the whole hike. Another point that Parks made is that you need to stay INSIDE the cables, which proves that common sense is not that common. Nor should you attempt the cable ascent if there are storm clouds rolling in - common sense again - OR if the rock is wet, because then the cables will be wet, and most of the fatal falls have been - you may be ahead of me here - when the rocks (and cables) are wet. Who knew! Art?
What's this? O I thought you'd never ask! A 'bear-proof trash can'. Yes you read that correctly. Even if This Sceptred Isle has hazardous mountain features galore, one thing we cannot boast is wild bears. Hikers are warned that the greedy but cowardly Black Bear is present in Yosemite, and if you come across any yell loudly and wave frantically to make yourself seem bigger and meaner than it is. Also re the trash can above, this is where you put your rubbish, or carry it out with you. I'm not going to go into detail about 'solid waste' or how there aren't any public toilets on the route. Art!
Are you a glutton for punishment? An absolute glutton for punishment? Do you intend to traverse the whole of the HD trail? Then you need one of the above. A one-gallon water bottle. Imagine hiking up the trail carrying that. Nature being what it is, the level will decrease as you sweat it out. DO NOT DRINK RIVER WATER! as will be forewarned in the 'Everything Zombie Movies Get Wrong About Survival'. Either boil or use iodine tablets on it, or risk horrible waterborne diseases. Or carry a gallon of H₂O around. Art!
This is the Emerald Pool, which is strictly off-limits to hikers. No swimming, paddling or kayaking, although nutters willing to carry a kayak for 8 hours are few and far between, and, needless to say though I say it again, NO DRINKING! The sloping descent into EP is known as the 'Silver Apron' and is, once again, strictly off-limits.
The Buzzkill Boys, a.k.a. the Park Rangers, will prosecute and fine anyone they catch lurking in the Emerald Pool, because it is DANGEROUS. Art!
The Silver Apron sports submerged rocks, which the current will carry unwary swimmers into at high speed. Guess who comes off worst between a rock and Hom. Sap.? Nor is that all, the Emerald Pool has strong currents despite looking treacherously placid, and where does the overflow lead? To the Vernal Falls as illustrated above, where 19 people have died over the years due to going over the Emerald Pool edge. This ought to put people off - yet DANGEROUS has a cachet all of it's own. Art!
Oxfordshire's most dangerous tourist attraction
That's a memorial obelisk to all the people who had drowned at the Sandford Lasher lock and weir - an obelisk that Jerome K. Jerome describes as being used by strapping young men as a diving platform. DANGEROUS!
Back across The Pond to Yosemite since we've not finished with all the hazards yet. Art!
Yes, the heavens may strive to kill you when you get to the top of HD via lightning strike, especially as hikers are the only outstanding features on the barren rock and thus become lightning conductors by default. The Parks Service advises - you may be ahead of me here - that hikers get off HD if storm clouds approach.
So, if you've gotten this far, enjoy your murder meander up Half Dome! I can assure you that you will never encounter Conrad on the route.
And with that we are done!
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