Thank You Pink Floyd
There I was, stonewalled in my attempts to think up a theme for this Intro, having a quick look at Twitter, Youtube, Quora and others to see if there was any particular item that could be an intellectual coat-hanger, from which to dangle all my creative efforts.
Hmmmm. Nope. The only inspiration came from Edna, whimpering with greed to get at my empty porridge bowl and the toast crumbs.
But what's this! Art?
Why, only one of the most iconic album covers in history. "Dark Side Of The Moon" by Pink Floyd. I shudder to think that this seminal album (as we called it back in the day) is over fifty years old this year.
ANYWAY There is a track on the album titled "Breathe". Fair enough, everyone's got to do it. Then another song, and then - what's this? "Breathe Reprise". Art!
<Hoiks out "Collins Concise Dictionary"> "Music: the repeating of an earlier refrain".
So, here we are today with another tale - hence the 'Reprise' motif - of "If It Ain't Broke Don't Fix It", which you might translate into "Our Management Are Too Cheap To Invest Or Update Which Will Surely Bite Them On The Bottom Most Severely In The Near To Medium Term". You can see why I used the pithier version.
So, Original Poster worked at a call centre in Belfast, this being one of the outreach locations of a gigantic South Canadian operation, which had two other large locations in This Sceptred Isle, totalling over 2,000 employees. Art!
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| An example of a Belfast call centre |
The thing is, the old South Canadian ethos of not spending money if it can possibly be avoided permeated the business, so they refused to buy in proper time-management software that would allow OP to do his job.
For three years.
Then, one bright and dewy morning - poetic licence, it could have been dark and stormy for all I know - a new director arrived. He appeared to take notice of OP and his Excel work-around for leave management. He appeared also to take notice of OP's not-inconsiderable salary, for our protagonist had worked his way up thanks to diligence and skill over the previous 8 years.
"Create us a training manual, forsooth, Origie Postie, and we will move you on to more verdant pastures!" they lied. Art!
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| Green fields indeed |
OP did so, at which point they fired him (although with a nice severance package). The work was promptly outsourced to the Phillipines and South Africa, as their two teams combined cost less than OP.
Please note this is NOT fixing anything, it's merely kicking the can down the road.
OP warned that doing this was a verrrrrrry bad idea, which New Idiot Director sneered at. Perhaps he had a moustache that he also tweaked?
You can guess where this is going. A month later Origie Postie found out that the improvised leave tracker had crashed, because the numpties abroad weren't doing back ups and had in fact deleted the entire leave archive 'to make more space'.
Ooops.
This meant 2,315 staff had to be given ALL their annual leave again, because there was absolutely no record of who had taken what. The UK, you see; employees have rights, no matter what South Canadian manglement think. Art!
New Idiot Director was fired within weeks for costing the business millions. OP had the satisfaction of being able to ring him - doubtless enabled by vindictive staff members still working there - and say "I told you so". NID had no witty comeback or even the wit to swear and just hung up.
Stormy!
No, this is not about the bane of Ruffian ammunition depots, headquarters, ships and submarines. Nor is it anything to do with Pumpkinhead's hush-hush money recipient, whom has an unattractive nose anyway, ev
ANYWAY if you've seen as many South Canadian films as Your Modest Artisan, then you will have seen the Los Angeles storm drains, some of which are actually the canalised Los Angeles River. Art!
That last is "Them", the last part of which takes place inside the storm drains, or sets representing them, as most films only dare venture into the external riverine systems.
Why mention this? Well, California is getting one of those occasional storms that explains why they have this extensive and massive drainage system in the first place, because it's not all sunshine in the Sunshine State. Art!
That's the LA River in spate, and that character is dicing with either being drowned or battered to bits by water-borne debris, because they're on a WET SLOPING SURFACE IN HIGH WINDS. What could possibly go wrong? Art!
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| The normally placid LA River |
I Beg Your Pardon
I never promised you any kind of garden, let alone one with exotic flowers in it. No! What I meant was that I used a photograph in yesteryon's Intro, without giving any information about it, which is a shameful omission. Art!
This is a still from "The Incredible Melting Man", which - well, if you've read the title you know the plot. The supposed window-dressing is that he's the sole survivor of a manned mission to Saturn, his other two crewmen being killed stone dead by the radiation that is causing him to melt like ice cream in the sun.
He runs amok, kills people and then falls apart completely, being ignominiously swept up into a bucket at the film's end. Art!
Shortly pre-bucket
Conrad hasn't seen it and isn't pining to, as it seems more an exercise in special effects than anything else. But knock yourself out if interested.
Methinks they also vastly underestimate the difficulties of a manned mission to Saturn - but I could be overthinking this .....
"City In The Sky"
We've rather gone from a city in the sky to a township on the land, one where a pregnant pause is stretching out. The Doctor is expecting news from the heavens, he's just not telling anyone quite what it will be.
‘Let me guess,’ interrupted Mike.
‘These things hate water. So
they’ll run a mile if they get hosed.’
‘Broadly correct,’ beamed the Doctor, rattling lemon slices together at
the bottom of his empty jug. Again, his
attention wandered to the south.
‘You expecting them Starmen to come to the rescue?’ asked Denny. He was Lenny’s younger brother, and just as
acidly observant as the elder man, who had reluctantly been sent off with the
refugees. ‘Huh! As if!
They never bothered before, did they?’
For a long pause the five citizens discussed how the Starmen had never
helped anyone on Earth before in an argument that went around in a circle.
When the bickering had wound down, Mike started to direct them to
different points of the deserted township.
The Doctor had indicated that they needed to stay under cover wherever
possible and that, whilst they weren’t and couldn’t be exactly safe, they stood
a far better chance of surviving than the unfortunate citizens of Forrest for
reasons of –
‘What the hell is that!’
interrupted Glynn, pointing over Mike’s shoulder to the skies beyond the
shore. Everyone turned to look at a
blazing fireball bigger than the Moon, an incendiary apparition that spat and
shed violent streamers in it’s wake, leaving a trail of smoke leading back into
the heavens. A dull booming came
distantly to them, echoing in between the silent streets of the empty town.
The Ears May Be Old But The Brain Is Still Gold
Conrad's shelves have been graced with "Doctor Strange" for a great many months, because there's always been another task to perform before allowing myself anything as frivolous as watching a film. Plotting World Domination just eats up your leisure time. Art!
Hmmm not sure about the cape
It takes a while to get going, and whilst establishing it's mise en scene, at one point you have the not-very-humble doctor roaring around the streets of Whereverville in a sports car. Art!
A car
The car's not the issue. No, Conrad's ears pricked up when he heard the background music, for was it not the Syd Barrett iteration of Pink Floyd, playing "Interstellar Overdrive"? Well, yes, it was. Splendid recognition there, Conrad, as it must be at least five ten years since I last heard it. It's Syd being flashy on guitar and exhibiting his sense of whimsy in spades. They only played a snippet because it's a looooong track.
Yes! The Mystery Macguffins Are Back!
"The Daily Beast"'s rotating adverts have come back to one of those collections of cheap tat as retailed by Temu. Art!
The trainer is pretty obviously a trainer. Item2 seems to be an un-necessarily fancy torch. But Item's 1 and 4? Who knows. Art!
The old dog still has a bit of a bite, hmmmm?
Finally -
O corks we are due to have a remote staff meeting today! Not had one for weeks now, and people are expecting Conrad to come up with an entertaining and amusing anecdote or two.
SO! I have decided to regale people with the tale of the Minifigs-scale Lego Death Star. That ought to inform folks.
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