If I Were To Say 'Maxim'

You Might Well Tut, Shake Your Head And Frown

     <I've added this into the Intro ahead of the quagga paragraph as I think it's more appealing to passers-by, and reminds us that not every Ruffian is a loutish barbarian>.  Art!

     This is the edition Conrad had.  The central protagonist is one Maxim Kammerer, who has a whole series of adventures on a grim, dystopian planet that has survived - barely - nuclear war.  Your Humble Scribe is rather surprised that it got published, as it takes a definite stance against authoritarian regimes.

     ANYWAY at an interrogation - for the planet's inhabitants are not renowned for either sweetness nor light - the onlookers burst into laughter when he gives his name, as "Maxim" in their thieve's argot means "I ate the knife".

CAUTION!  Do not attempt this at home.
Or anywhere else, for that matter.

     <back to the dull original opening>

For it ought to be self-evident that Conrad's opening lines in an Intro usually bear little relation to what it ends up being, rather like examining a quagga from the tail to the snout.  I can't blame you for not knowing what a quagga is, as they aren't, anymore, being extinct.  Art!

     Okay, if you were of a literary turn of mind, then you'd instantly have recourse to your dictionary, which would define it as: "A brief expression of a general truth, principle or rule of conduct".

     You want an example?  How about a relevant one: The pen is mightier than the sword.  Art!

     Here you can see Conrad's trademark scrawl, and yes, that more legible script is done with a fountain pen.  

     Where were we?  O yes.  Art!

     Soak in the Art Nouveau design and decor, for this is "Maxim's" in Paris, one of the most famous French restaurants ever, and has been since 1893, when it first opened.  The original owner was one Maxim Gaillard, whose surname means "Powerful" or "Strong" so he may have been able to eat a knife or two.  Let us have a peek at the interior.  Art!

Suave, innit?

     Of course - obviously! - none of this refers to the Maxims Conrad wants to bloviate about today, which indulgence was fired up by a thread on Twitter about a particular piece of military kit, now serving in Ukraine.  Art!

"Friends just messaged from Ukraine, they shot down a shaheed using... wait for it... a Maxim Gun - 140 years old."

     We need to unpack this a little.  That's what all the bright young things say nowadays, isn't it?  The gun itself isn't going to be 140 years old; what they mean is that the design is 140 years old.  These guns were used by the Tsarist armies and the Sinister Union in the First and Second Unpleasantnesses, and we've covered them before.  They are old-school heavy weapons, with a massive carriage, wheels (because massive; 138 pounds all-up) and a water jacket around the barrel.  Art!

     The thing about water-cooled designs like this is that they can carry out sustained fire for ages, the water acting as a heat-sink to absorb all the energy radiating out from the barrel.  If you are using tracer rounds, you can chase the 'Flying Lawnmowers' across the heavens, adjusting your aim until you hit them, which is an awful lot cheaper than the 30 mm cannon shells fired by a Gepard.  Art!

     Those are 250-round belts, and at a sustained cyclic rate of fire of 600 rounds per minute, matey here has 25 seconds of blasting time.
     When the Special Idiotic Operation began, the Ukrainians resurrected 30,000 of these weapons from long-term storage, because - well, because they work, and work well, and a 70-year old machine gun is better than none.  They will be limited strictly to defensive work with the infantry thanks to their size and bulk, or being mounted on vehicles such as the above - if it ain't broke affix it to a truck.

Shades Of "The Big Sleep"

To explicate: in this classic film noir, the scriptwriter and director admitted that there was a murder in the film committed by who knew? for what reason?  Raymond Chandler, who wrote the screenplay, was asked who murdered the chauffeur, and replied "I don't know".  Art!

CAUTION!  Immersion in salt water can corrode upholstery

     Well, Your Humble Scribe is now 49 minutes and 33 seconds into "For A Few Dollars More" and - allow Art to begin.

     Yes, that little black dot is a rider on a horse. They trot towards the camera slowly, coming a tad closer.  Then, at 1:25 in you hear the sound of a rifle being cocked, and at 1:30 - 

     Nobody has mentioned this killing so far.  We've no idea who did it, or when, or why.  There is a quote after the title credits, which I translated from the Teuton: "Where life has lost it's value, death does sometimes has a price.  This is the reason for the bounty."  Perhaps it was a bounty hunter killing a killer?  Or a killer killing to keep his killing eye in?  There was whistling in the background, if that helps.

     Yes, very Spinoza.  I'll let you know how we get on, pilgrims.  O, and the Ennio Morricone soundtrack is as epic as I remember.

Speaking Of Films -

Conrad remembers a forum where one commenter lambasted a supermarket for stocking slices of what the producer proudly called "Dairy-free cheese slices!"

     Well, allow me to point out that anyone with an allergy to lactose would snaffle up said cheese-free slices in a hurry.  So, Mister Snarky Pants, they do have a purpose and utility.

     Which brings us to "Madame Web".  This can be described as a Spiderman-film-without-Spiderman.  Instead, there are four women - doubtless strong independent females taking on the patriarchy and doing it for themselves, even if 'it' is a little vague and fuzzy.  Like any first franchise entry, it's handicapped by having to set up an origin story, multiplied by four.

     Unfortunately this quartet do not emulate the dairy-free cheese slices.  Art!

CAUTION! High fromage content!

     It came out on 14th February and has been lambasted itself by film critics for being a big nothingburger.  One of the cruellest jibes came from "Rolling Stone":

Rolling Stone called the latest in the SSU franchise "the Cats of superhero movies"

     Ouch!

     It's too soon to get any box office data, which probably won't drop until nearer the weekend.  The only saving grace this film has is that it 'only' cost $80 million so it 'only' needs to hit $360 million to break even.  Easy peasy.

"City In The Sky"

Barclay is doing his best to ensure the chosen Trojan asteroid hits the Great Australian Bight, even if he has to die trying.  

     Another set of tremors ran up his legs; above, relative to him, Pangolin began to move away.  One of the arms had been bent back in a strange fashion, then straightened, then bent –

     ‘Ace, waving goodbye,’ he mumbled, a snort of laughter erupting from his throat.  Making a cautious return journey, he found a likely resting site in an old, shallow crater and reclined against the battered rock.  Judging this as good a place as any, he dropped his equipment and drilled another hole beyond the crater’s lip, sufficiently wide to hold the booster’s inert end, then positioned one of the metal tubes in the makeshift socket.  He needed the metal netting to keep a grip on it or else risk having his hands – despite their protective gauntlets – being burnt off in seconds.  Once sure that the impromptu rocket arrangement would hold, he began to input data into his Tab.  There were several variables he needed to guess at; Kurt had estimated the rock as having a mass of about twenty thousand metric tonnes but this could be off by fifteen to twenty per cent without having conducted a thorough seismic survey.  The upper limit they could work with would be twenty-five thousand tonnes or risk the rock being a continent-splitter when it impacted at ground zero.

     What's five thousand tons between friends?

Toxic Tangerine Toad's Troubles!

If we were not SFW I'd be using a substitute for 'Toad', believe me.  It's also a creative challenge to come up with new and insulting nicknames for Pumpkinhead and Putinpot both.  Conrad is ready to rise to the challenge.  If you keep reading, I'll keep writing.  Art!

     This is hilarious to anyone who knows Trump's legal practices from the Eighties onwards: he would stiff companies and businesses, especially small ones, and dare them to sue him, knowing he could outspend on attorneys and outlast them.

     Well, the shoe is on the other foot now.  That guy to starboard in the background is Chris Kise, who is Chris Wise, since he got a $3 million payment up front before working for Zeppelin Ego.

     Bring on another wheelie-bin of popcorn!

Finally -

What's the recipe for Scottish dumpling?  Conrad has a bit of a hankering for the suety pudding as of today.  I shall go research recipes.  Toodles!