BOOJUM!: A Mass Of Candles

NOTE THE DATE!

Your diligent and conscientious - hang on, Diligent And Conscientious Scribe - is actually typing up this Intro on the SECOND OF FEBRUARY, which is important, despite whichever date it actually sees the light of day on.

Now, let us jump abruptly to "Barry Lyndon", because I say so, and get used to these mental gymnastics, it's good for the mind. Art!

The film is set during the Seven Year's War, which was a kind of proto-world war as it spilled onto all corners of the globe, even unto America, as it was then before the tr<several hundred unflattering words redacted by Mister Hand> "French and Indian Wars". It was adapted from a minor Thackeray novel, and is about as distant in genre from Stanley Kubrick's previous film as it's possible to be*.

ANYWAY one thing about Ol' Stan, he liked to be authentic. That scene of redcoats advancing, muskets levelled with fixed bayonets, is pretty accurate. He also wanted to have interiors lit authentically, which meant - Art!

Candles. Candles everywhere. There must be an audit somewhere about how many thousands of candles they went through, because I'll guarantee they didn't film scenes in a single take. Art!

Ol' Stan and his lead cinematographer had to come up with new camera lenses to film at this light level. Using only a mass of candles.

Which brings us to the Second of February. Which, you may not be aware, is also known, according to my Brewer's by the name: CANDLEMAS.

This also links in to the origins of the month "FEBRUARY", which of course has a Latin origin <boo hiss hack spit>, that being "Februum" which means 'purgation' or getting purified. Conrad is looking askance at this as he suspects Roman 'purification' involved matters unpleasant that I won't go into. Art!

The Anglo-Saxons, quite possibly cocking a linguistic snook at the Romans, called it "Solomonath", or "Mud Month". This may be due to the ending of winter and the coming of spring, where the ground thaws across This Sceptred Isle and stops being iron-hard, metamorphosing into brown porridge six inches deep.

Why is it "Candlemas"? O I thought you'd never ask! It is a bit Religious, so you may want to skip this bit THOUGH I WILL SURELY KNOW. In Roman Catholic churches, you see, they bring together all the candles that will be used across the year on this day and bless them, so that there will always be a candle burning, keeping night and evil at bay. This is probably the inspiration for that Smith's song. Art!

You'd better hope they're referring to candles, otherwise your electricity bill is going to be substantially higher than it ought to be.

To bring things full circle, the Romans used to light candles in order to banish evil spirits. Ol' Stan and his crew must have been blessed beyond belief, in that case. Pip pip!

"The War Illustrated"

Conrad is unsure if there are any current photographs on file from the most recent edition. Let us prod Art with this handy glass skewer and see.

We had an Intro featuring the Matilda Scorpion, the grandfather of the mine-sweeping flail you see here. The principle is that the rotating flails will set off any mines they encounter, although after about five mines have been set off in this way more flails need to be attached to make up for the ones blown to bits in sacrificial manner. You can see from the photo to port that these flails clear soil to a considerable depth, and that the tank's hull is now covered in flailed soil. This is why the gun is traversed to the rear, lest it become fouled.

The infantry in the top picture are waiting for the Sherman Crab to do it's job, and at bottom you see the successful end result; a cleared path wide enough for vehicles and men to cross unscathed.

"City In The Sky"

Australian wildlife versus alien invader, or ants against lasers. Who's going to run out of bodies or battery first?

Out of nowhere, a strange itching sensation ran across his nethers. He rolled to one side to remove the irritating feeling – and hissed in pain when a searing dart pricked his soft skin. Tensing like a cable, Mirkan 93 slowly turned his head, suffering more invisible arrows of pain.

To The Above! he hissed into the air. Six-legged insects swarmed across the track and several had crawled onto him, where they began to bite with a blind ferocity. His computer-controlled lasers didn’t fire thanks to the safety cut-out or he’d have fried himself. He rolled over as speedily as a Lithoi could, crushing the insects, only for more to come racing across the track towards him. He clumsily began to crawl away at an angle, seeking to put distance between him and the – toxic ants. That’s what they were; dangerous in numbers if they managed to swamp a victim.

Driven by panic, he barely managed to outpace the eyeless questing insects and desperately resorted to flaying them with laser bolts. This ran down his pocket battery. One insolent insect managed to reach his belly and gave him the most painful bite of all. That one he despatched with his own fangs – regretting the act instantly since toxic ants tasted vile.

I'll take that on trust.

"Litigation Finance Firm"

Conrad came across this term in a recent browse on Youtube, and was so intrigued I noted it down.

Serendipity, because here comes Pimpkinhead and the $83.3 million liability against him. I don't think it can be called a 'fine' as it's the E. Jean Carroll trial was a civil one, not a criminal trial. Art!

Compare hands to face

You may remember him getting a liability of $5 million last year in the first EJC case. Of course he appealed - but in New York that doesn't mean you get off scot-free by kicking the can a mile down the road. If you appeal you have to put up a bond for the WHOLE AMOUNT in question, and if you win you get it back.

If you lose it's gone, baby, gone.

Thing is, if it were you or I in such a circumstance, we'd approach a litigation finance firm, who would put up the bond and take a hefty slice of it in commission whether you win or lose.

None of these firms would entertain DJ Tango. He had to raise the money himself. Art!

EJC in her younger days

Now, Donald Buck is facing the prospect of having to raise $83.3 million to back an appeal. His problem is - get Conrad the finance expert - his money is tied up in assets such as property, which are not liquid, meaning it's not easy to raise money on them. Besides which, Agent Orange has already raised loans on everything it was possible to raise loans on, meaning he might have to sell real estate to acquire funds. And - it really keeps on getting worse for him, tee hee!- in New York his finances are being overseen, monitored and audited by a court-appointed supervisor, making it extra-specially difficult for him to manage any shady dealings. They appear to have already uncovered evidence of tax fraud. Art!

This humourless hatchet-hacker Harry is in fact Judge Kaplan, the chap who gave Trump 0% shrift in court. Why is he relevant here? Well, apart from Conrad wanting to shake his hand, give him a slap on the back, a high five and a round of drinks, Ol' Kappy started the clock on Trump's liability.

The Tiny-Handed Tinpot had 30 days to appeal or pay up from the sentence being imposed. If he does not, then the courts will forcibly sell off his property to raise the $83.3 million, going for fire-sale prices to get the money as quickly as possible.

Even if he does accumulate enough moolah to make the appeal, there's a sting in the tale, since interest is due on the liability to the tune of about $500,000 per month. If he strings the case out for a couple of years, as he tends to do, he's going to end up paying at least $12 million extra.

Bring on the wheelie-bin of popcorn and a one-pound bag of sugar!

When South Canadians Get Going -

We frequently mock the South Canadians, in a mild enough way that they don't abandon BOOJUM! for things like their ignorance of Marmite, over-emphasis on coffee and putting corn syrup in everything. However - I don't think we've used that word today - when they roll up their shirt sleeves and get stuck in, the R git done. Art!