Yes, I Thought That Might Catch Your Attention
First of all, NO! this is not a thinly-veiled attack upon a certain tangerine bafune, that comes after this Intro. Nor is it a typo concerning "Godzilla Versus The Smog Monster", a film that I first (and only) saw back in the mid-Eighties, when Channel Four were running a series of films so bad they were good on Friday evenings. Art!
Conrad remembers Godzilla being completely outclassed by 'Hedorah' (the Smog Monster, do keep up!) in a climactic battle that went on for three or four hours, because Ol' Smoggy could change shape, whereas Ol' 'Zilla was stuck in his original gigantic Allosaurus shape permanently. At the time Your Humble Scribe was only able to get through this interminable viewing experience thanks to illegal pharmeceuticals DRUGS ARE BAD and I can only recommend a stiff series of gin snifters to get you through it today. Art!
Or, just avoid
Talking of an overarching alcohol consumption, allow me to introduce The Critical Drinker. Art!
TCD is the adopted persona of one Will Jordan, actually a successful author of spy novels, who had his Youtube channel as a side-gig that has become extremely successful. The TCD persona is that of a drunken film critic, who hates nearly all modern cinema, and whose likes are uncommon and unusual. He continually bashes "The Message", without addressing what it is, which gives him plenty of leeway to shellack Hollywood's output.
One of his recent vlogs was about precisely why modern films are so expensive, and what can be done to remedy this. I mention Godzilla because "Godzilla Minus One" kind of proves his point. Art!
The "Hog" Monster is modern Hollywood, where many genre films gobble up enormous resources for ridiculously small returns. Not all - "Insidious" as a franchise is cheap by comparison with other Hollywood fare and has positively coined it in, and "Guardians Of The Galaxy 3" made a respectable profit. Art!
Let us look at TCD's first itemised topic:
ACTORS: You might call this the "Trevor Francis Effect". For those of you unaware, Ol' Trev was the first player in English ballfoot to be bought for ONE MILLION POUNDS in 1979. That kind of money nowadays is laughably small, when you get players valued at £120 or £150 million.
So it is with modern-day actors. They get shedloads of money, or at least the A-tier ones do, and their prices only ever go up. TCD took a snarky shot at Jennifer Lawrence, who got $20 million for the box office flop "Passengers" in 2016, which only made circa $150 million, on a budget of $110 million, thus losing probably $50 million for the studio. So much for giving her 18% of the total film budget, hmmmm? Art!
That's 60% of the entire cast right there. HOW did it cost $110 million?
ANYWAY Ol' Critty argues that what we have now are Famous Actors, not
Stars, because Stars can guarantee an audience on their name alone. He has a point, as the last "Mission Impossible" significantly failed to deliver despite having Thomas Mapother Cruise III in the lead role.
Ol' Critty also take a swipe at The Rock, who is going to net $50 million for "Red One", which I've heard nothing about. Allow me -
Well well Hayley Atwell, the plot is under wraps and all we know is that it's an 'Action-Adventure'. No figure for the overall budget but Conrad reckons we're looking at $200 million, with another $100 million for promotion, advertising and distribution. Art!
Critty suggests that studios impose a cap on how much they pay actors, which is sensible, because now we're going to get other giant egos in the business who want to be paid $51 million so they can be the highest-paid actor. Conrad is not making this up, I recall it happening back in the Nineties with actors like John Travolta who had to be paid $20,000,001 to be one-up on another actor who only got £20 million. Or, a deferred up-front salary that links to film profits, so Robert Downey gets 'only' $10 million for "Iron Man Returns" but is guaranteed 5% of the net profit or the gross.
Otherwise we're going to be seeing $500 million film budgets, with $100 million going to the headliner. Note I did not say 'Star'.
Brand Ex
No! Not the jazz-rock combo who featured, amongst others, Phil Collins on drums, back when he was young and dangerous. Art!
No, I refer to Harry Litman's critique of Donald J Trombone's horrid legal consequences for being a dishonest biffer, because The Trombone liked to put his name on everything he owned, presumably because he hired someone who could read and write, otherwise he'd probably have marked his territory the same way wolves do in the wild. His brand is now looking rather tawdry and jaded.
ANYWAY he's now barred from holding any office in New York for three years, as mentioned yesteryon. Har har!
The judge had a few pearls of poison to dish out, too. He reckoned that Pumpkinhead was variously 'non-responsive' to questions, likened his behaviour to 'Beating his chest' and that his testimony more resembled a 'stream of consciousness" than anything appropriate in a courtroom. He even got compared to major crook Bernie Madoff, unfavourably, which must sting a little. Art!
Bernie had the good grace and wit to look properly contrite, whereas Pimpkinhead continued to insist that - he'ddonenothingwronganditwasawitchhunt
andhewasinnocentandthejudgewasacrooketcetera.
Then he wondered why he got an absolute legal malleting.
It's called 'cause and effect', Don. 'Cause and -' O what's the use. Go be a sneaker pimp.
My Precious!
No, nothing to do with rings. We're talking eggs here, as retailed in Ruffia. You may be aware of the recent scandal about eggs becoming horribly expensive for Ruffians, who had been used to seeing them as a cheap staple.
Problem solved - Art!
12 rubles per egg
Ruffian shoppers can now purchase single eggs. What a simple and elegant solution!
The next problem is getting their solo egg home intact. Imagine trying to shepherd an egg home on the subway and busses!
"City In The Sky"
Ace and the other two crew members of the "Pangolin" are now getting close to the last of their oxygen supply, and have still not docked with Arcology One.
‘Not enough air left to dock and walk back,’ hissed Mona. She hadn’t been able to communicate with the
astronomy staff via laser thanks to Pangolin’s erratic course.
‘I shall land by the airlock,’ stated Kurt. ‘Ace, find an object you can grasp with the
prosthetics to prevent any movement.’
As captain, he patiently remained in the cabin whilst his two crew
cycled through the miniature airlock.
This time Ace had no time for the beauty of the heavens and merely made
for the airlock alongside Mona and Kurt.
Even with a landing just metres from the doors, her suit’s oxygen
indicator had reached “00.00%” and breathing was starting to get laboured until
the inner airlock doors opened and all three gratefully drew lungfuls of fresh
air.
Half an hour later they were able to see the flaming descent of their
chosen asteroid into the Gulf of Carpentaria, amidst sober arcology staff who
needed to get used to Barclay’s sacrifice as penance for thirty two dead. Davy, looking haggard, seemed to think that
there wouldn’t be any more deaths.
‘We need to get Downstairs desperately,’ he kept whispering to
himself. ‘What happened to Pangolin is
typical, typical,’ he said aloud when Ace frowned at him. ‘Things falling apart.’
The centre cannot hold, hmmm?
In Praise Of The Crusader
Not the knight on horseback fighting the infidel, Conrad is referring to the Crusader tank, which was featured in some depth on Twitter today, dealing with why it was so unreliable when first put into service in North Africa during the Second Unpleasantness. Art!
It was the first Airfix model I built, in 1:72 scale. Conrad knew nothing about the tank, except that it came with two different turrets, one mounting the 2 pounder gun, the other mounting the 6 pounder gun. Art!
I currently have a whole company of them in 1/300 scale. Conrad has a lot of time for the Crusader, despite what you may think.
Finally -
Better go put the Clootie Dumpling in the fridge. Yes, I made it today. Yes, you will definitely get a picture of it.
Laterz!
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