Tricky Old Dog

That's Conrad For You

You cannot argue about the 'Old' bit either.  As for which species of canine, it would be one of the larger breeds that amble along like an amiable old pudding until threatened, whereupon it bares six-inch fangs and 

     ANYWAY many months ago Conrad purchased a dirt-cheap Bush external DVD player, which he connected to his big-screen monitor in the hopes of playing things on a nice big screen.  Art!

     The old laptop with built-in DVD player that I'd been using was getting on - possibly nine years old? which in computer years is about one hundred-and-ten in human years.

     No dice.  I tried different sets of leads and different sockets and those dice stubbornly refused to play.  Treacherous dice!

     O well.  Back to the old laptop.  Until it died a couple of weeks ago.  Treacherous laptop!  Didn't it know I had a stack of DVD six inches tall that needed playing?

     More in pious hope than any realistic expectation, I did Google about possible problems and solutions, which is where 'Source' came in.  Your Modest Artisan had expected the monitor to recognise an external drive and automatically accommodate it.  Um, no.  This is why we need never fear AI.

     So, I plugged the HDMI cable back in and chose 'Source' and selected 'HDMI' and whaddaya know - Art!

Viola!

     "Zombie Apocalypse", which I'd picked up at a charity shop shortly before going to have my blood sampled.

     This, gentle reader, is where the difficulties began.  O, not with the DVD player, although it will turn itself off after five minutes of inactivity, and it does that annoying Nineties 'bouncing logo' effect if you pause the disk.

     No, I meant the film.  Art!

     Okay, so it's a low-budget made-for-television film, you can't set your expectations too high, and it's a zombie film to boot, so, once again, low expectations.  The only person of note in the production is Ving Rhames, probably doing it as a side-gig for pocket money between iterations of 'Mission Impossible'.  However - and you know that word was going to crop up - there ought to be at least a semi-stable basis in reality.  Art!

Ignore the reflection!  Ignore the reflection!

     Okay, that's the beginning of the infection: June 3rd.

     How is this possible?  The entire continent of Europe over-run in six days?  Don't forget, these zombie hordes are able to travel at about one mile per hour.  As an example, the distance from Paris to Bucharest is 1,400 miles.  It would take your average walking deadite EIGHT WEEKS to totter that distance.  Six days my hairy white hindquarters!  This also seems to presume that the militaries of Europe sit on their heels and do nothing, and that major water barriers such as the Rhine or Danube are easily fordable without major bridging equipment or ferries.

     This is the South Canadian army we're talking about.  Apparently South Canada didn't realise there was a zombie apocalypse in the making, until it was too late.  O right.  Why destroy transport arteries?  People need those to move around on.  Why not put up concrete barriers?  If needed you can move them aside.  But wait!  For there is more to come.  Don't forget, IGNORE THE REFLECTION!

     Again, What On Earth?  Why do this?  How does turning civilisation back to 1850 benefit anyone?  Zombies are entirely electronics-free, in case you hadn't noticed.  Probably in order to make the production cheaper; no cars, planes, helicopters, computers or mobile phones needed if the EMP has permanently destroyed them all.  There is then the problem that you've got ABSLOUTELY NO IDEA what's going on in the world beyond your borders; for all these survivors know the rest of planet Earth has fully recovered and is doing quite nicely, thanks very much.

     Of course, I could be overthinking this .....

Where There's A Drill -

There may be a will.  You know, the legal type, used when a person becomes un-alive.  For YES! we are talking about the hazards of power tools around the home.  And this item is indeed about drills.  Art!

This bit of kit

     The trick with these is to always drill perpendicular to the surface being worked on.  Drilling at an angle can cause the bit to snag, which will violently rip the drill from your hands.  If all you were doing was working on a bench, no big problem.  If, on the other hand, you were at the top of a ladder, say Hello! to broken fingers at least, and also a fall from height onto a nice comfy concrete floor.  Art!

"Steve felt a sudden urge to take a power nap"

A Bit Of Spit And Polish

That's a long "O" in "Polish" as we're talking about the country not the act of brightening an object by buffing it with a bit of rag.  Bring on another eccentric and disturbing Polish film poster!

     This is for "The Hourglass Sanatorium", which I've never seen or even heard of before.  Let me Google quickly - ah.  Yes, it sounds quite bonkers.  "Joseph visits his dying father, Jacob, in a remote and dilapidated mental sanatorium where time appears to work differently".

     Interestingly, the Polish word 'Klepsydra', for 'Hourglass', is a direct take from the Greek 'Clepsydra', which was an ancient way of telling time.  Art!

     Hmmm we've strayed a little from the original subject matter, haven't we?  That grinning maw reminds me of - Art!

He does indeed

     Who wants a boring linear narrative anyway?

"City In The Sky"

Bad things are about to happen in the London of 2065, as the Doctor and Ace hop to get back to the TARDIS.

     ‘From that webstraunt we passed.  You said that there aren’t any newspapers.  I guessed they might print stuff off, but only if it’s very important.  Like news-headlines-very-important.’

     Skimming rapidly, the Doctor absorbed the information within seconds.  The laser print was only slightly faded, dated July 17^th 2065.  Pakistan had, truly, launched a nuclear-tipped missile at the Arcipelago in orbit.  Their intentions had been telegraphed by years of strident condemnation of the Arcipelago’s construction, protests bitter enough to ensure an experimental American laser battle-satellite remained on-station to stand electronic guard over their orbital habitats.  It hit the Pakistani missile before it got more than five kilometres off the ground.  What happened after that was speculation, since there were no survivors at the Kahuta launch site; the returning missile’s warhead detonated, and a giant nuclear explosion engulfed the entire site and everything for twenty miles around it.  The memories of Iranian survivors fleeing a similar, equally deadly cloud a generation earlier came into play and millions of panicked Pakistanis tried to escape the radioactive pollution.  They were forcibly stopped at the border, where –

     You can probably guess the rest.  Blimey, what it is to live in interesting times!

My Sunday Constitutional Is Due

Hopefully the Co-Op in Lesser Sodom is open for business this week, following last week's 'Closed due to power cut' farrago.  Especially since I've just had a look at a Ukrainian recipe I'd saved from a while back - Cheesy Chicken and Potato Casserole.  They don't say how many it feeds, so I'm guessing at four normal people or two Conrads.  Art!

Finally -

If I'm going to strut my funky bottom in public, better go scrape a bristle or two to look slightly more presentable.

Chin chin!