The Cold Equations

NO!  Don't Panic, Nothing To Do With Tensor Calculus Or Prime Theory

Although numbers are involved.  It's not even to do with the famous sci-fi short story "The Cold Equations", because in fact what I meant was -

     Sorry, what's that?  O very well.  It's a story where a stowaway on a spaceship imperils the other crew and the emergency medical supplies they are carrying, because there is 0% tolerance for excess fuel consumption.  In the end the stowaway goes out the airlock, voluntarily.  Art!

     The TCE spaceship was probably designed by the idiots who designed the above aircraft, which cannot be aloft for more than ninety minutes before everyone aboard gets a fatal dose of radiation.  Likewise, a mission parameter that there is no fuel reserve AT ALL is just begging for trouble.  

     ANYWAY that's not what this Intro is about.  Instead, we are going to look at box office receipts for the much-unloved "Indiana Jones And The Dial Of Destiny", and here's one of at least eight unflattering Youtube channel video thumbnails I found with nil searching.  Art!

     This one is both muted and charitable compared to some, that I cannot show thanks to being SFW.

     Okay, a tent-pole franchise like this one expects - or hopes! - to make an absolute killing when it's first released, with the box office gradually declining over time, thanks to it having 'legs'.  Alas, that has not proved to be the case so far.  Let us look at the breakdown for domestic box office in South Canada.

June 30*  $23,682,000

July 1st    $28,584,000

July 2nd   $18,101,000

July 3rd   $11,793,000

July 4th   $11,698,000

*  Includes $7,000,000 from the Thursday 'preview'

     (All figures from Box Office Mojo)

     As you can see, the trend is downwards, which is to be expected, except it's downward from a not-very-good debut.  I apostrophised 'Preview' because it was shown in 4,500 cinemas, as compared to the 4,600 on full release.  Thus a total of $83,000,000 so far.

     "Wow!" I hear you enthuse.  "That's a shedload of money!"

     It is, when it ought to be a boatload.  The International box office take has been $70,000,000 which again sounds impressive, except this is usually as large a take as the South Canadian domestic market.

     So here we are, with a take of $154,000,000.  Art!

Another SFW slinging of mud!

     The thing is, it looks as if the domestic box office has fallen and will fall to $10,000,000 per day.  Given that some critics are saying that the actual cost of the film was closer to $350,000,000 and that it has to hit around $700,000,000 to simply break even, you might be forgiven for thinking that yes, it can manage that even if it takes another three months!

     Er - no.

     That's not how it works.  You see, "Mission Impossible: Dead Reckoning" comes out next Wednesday, which will hoover up any potential audiences for Indy V.  Thus, domestically, it might only make another $70 million, with perhaps another $50,000,000 globally.  That totals $275 million.  And this is supposing that they still have it showing in 4,600 cinemas globally.

     As I said, these are cold equations, and be 110% assured the studios have serried ranks of accountants working on flow systems and financial models a whole lot more sophisticated than my back-of-a-fag-packet calculations.  There are, apparently, games of point-the-finger already being played in order to apportion blame behind the scenes, which is quite telling.  If they thought this was going to bring in supertankerloads of cash, people would be elbowing each other out of the way to grab credit.  Art!

BOOJUM! cannot verify this assertion.
(But bring popcorn just in case)

     One way to turn a profit is to make a cheap film, which does well via word of mouth, and being high quality helps, too.  A lot of the gloaters are giving props to a film called "Sound Of Freedom", made by a small indie <insert bad joke here> studio for $14,000,000.  It's already made that back after a single day's release, and in only 2,600 cinemas.  Art!

From "Person Of Interest"

     Yes, starring Jim Caviezel, the most quietly-spoken threat you ever heard.

     If we want a full budget breakdown of Indy V, then we'll need to wait until next year, when "Forbes" magazine will get it's hot sweaty hands on the relevant tax returns.

     Until then, keep watching the pies!

Going Home In A Box

I refer, of course - obviously! - to the Box hedge as beloved of suburban man, and also the pine coffin that many people are laid to rest in, especially those who abuse power tools, because this is the second in a short series about KILLER DRILLERS! although in this case it's actually a hedge strimmer.  Art!

     Overreaching and overbalancing is a risky business when you're holding a power tool that can easily trim your fingers off.  Another danger is the variety of trimmers that are powered via a cable, as many an unwary hedge trimmer has cut through the lead and been electrocuted.  Also, don't trim after heavy rain.  Or, for that matter, in heavy rain.

A New Twist On An Old Trope

As you should surely know by now, Conrad avoids computer games like the very devil incarnate, as they are the greatest wasters of time ever invented.  Thus he is not at all up on what's hip and hot and what's not.  Thus it was with interest that I read about a computer game called "Dying Light".  This is set in a cod Middle Eastern city called 'Harran', which is infested with -

AVIVA INSURANCE SALESMEN!

     Only kidding.  Zombies.  It's over-run with zombies.  The difference here is that their metabolism and behaviour depends on whether it's day or night.  In daylight they are bumbling maggoty meatsacks, easily outrun or decapitated.  At night they ramp up and become much faster, stronger and hungrier.

     Not a bad idea but I'd think it would be the other way round.  Must consult a doctor and see if I'm on the right track here.

"City In The Sky"

We've moved forward in time and across the globe to far distant Australia.  Well, far distant unless you live in Australia.  Or New Zealand.

INTERPOSIT ONE:

      Almost silently, only perceptible to the sharp-eyed and the sharper-eared, the dingo pack went to ground, hugging dry, baked earth and blending in amongst swathes of scrubby grasses and sedge.  Their leader had picked up the strange whistling sound which warned that the Not-Good were about to appear in the skies, and, unlike any feathered bird, these sky travellers warranted the most extreme caution.  This pack had been whittled down over the past year, mainly the stupid or foolhardy, easily a dozen killed (which the dingoes could only calculate as “many”).  When the Not-Good originally arrived they had killed entire packs with Fire From The Sky, until the surviving Nullarbor Plain packs learned to keep well distant from the strange place that had suddenly appeared one morning.  Travelling kangaroo or camel herds occasionally blundered into the area the Not-Good considered their own and were blasted into a tasteless ash that no other creature could eat.

     A soft whistling noise that a human might not have been able to hear came and went overhead, in the direction of the giant mushroom shape further into the desert.  A trail of dust curled up from the plain as the sound got closer to the structure, and suddenly the flying Not-Good appeared out of nowhere, descending slowly to the ground and moving forward equally slowly, easing underneath the bell-shaped canopy that sloped down to meet the ground at four points around the mushroom.

     Yes, these dingoes are considerably smarter than your average canine.

Too Much Sensible!  Bring On The Polish Film Posters!

Don't worry if you're not too keen on these disturbing artworks, they were the product of a particular time which is over thirty years gone, so the number of them is strictly limited.  Art!

By Jakub Erol

     I'll put you out of your misery on this one, by Marciej Kalkus - "Fatal Attraction".  Not bad, not bad - the Serpent and the Apple and biblical sin.

Finally -

Better go score a bit of food, bacon flavour rasher crisps and Moroccan humus can only keep a body going for so long.

Chin chin!