That BOOJUM! Ever Avoided An Easy Target
Heck, we have thousands of words to generate, so who cares if we pick on the low-hanging fruit?
I refer, of course - obviously! - to "Indiana Jones And The Dial Of Destiny", which continues to undergo the death of a million cuts at the box office. This is a source of huge amusement to a whole lot of Youtubers who detest Katherine Kennedy, the film's producer, due to what she did to the "Wart Starz" (sp?) franchise, and whom also loathe Phoebe Waller-Bridge. Art!
<sigh> if only it had been the last
It seems that PWB, who wrote the script - surprise! - had Indy dying back in classical Hellenic times, enabling her to step in and inherit the Indy mantle, as if he had never existed. This went down so appallingly badly with test screenings that there were a bunch of very expensive re-shoots, which must have had the editors tearing out what little hair they had left.
Our trans-Atlantic cousins also seem rather peeved that Ms Pointy had been imposed on them from This Sceptred Isle, a kind of Shropshire Jones if you will. This is understandable, there are 15 million South Canadian females to choose from after all. Even Sean Connery enhanced Indy instead of replacing him. Art!
Don't mention the dog.
Before Indy V's release, both KK and PWB were gloasting about the sequels they were going to create, starring the Helena character. This, gentle readers, is a classic example of counting your chickens and establishing a chain of Chick-a-Fil competing fast-food outlets, before they hatch. Rather than going on about sequels, KK is (allegedly) trying to foist blame for the poor box office on Marketing, Accounting, Catering and the pistachio harvest in the Sanjak of Novi Pazar.
In "The Cold Equations" I did a little crystalskull-ball gazing and looked at what the eventual box office take for Indy V might be, going on a daily domestic return of $10,000,000 per diem. Art!
Don't ask me, I only work here
Alas for KK and PWB, this projection has proven to be wildly optimistic.
Courtesy Box Office Mojo
Thus, after a week on release, this cinematic dodo has made $165 million globally and will be lucky to hit even $200 million in total, meaning a loss of AT LEAST $200 million, possibly even $500 million according to some Youtube analysts - although they are the ones rubbing their hands with glee, so they may be a teensy bit biased.
"The Flash" is another big summer tentpole film which has done so badly at the box office that it's being withdrawn early, shortly to be sold to streaming services in order to recoup at least some of it's budget. Colour Conrad cynical, but he sees this happening to Indy V as well. What price those sequels now, one wonders?
Lest you doubt my assertion that there is a positive legion of people putting up mocking content on Youtube, all you have to do is go there and put in "Dial Of Destiny" to see - actually, no, don't put that in, said title has been relentlessly slandered and satirised, just use "Indiana Jones". Art!
There is the danger of coming across a quality film, mind you.
Going Medieval
How's your Persian? Yup, me too.
Okay, let me introduce you to the word and structure 'Zendan', a concept that originated in ancient Persia and spread across Central Asia. Art!
A zendan was essentially a large pit or dungeon, which was covered with a low structure, or simply an iron grille, into which scoundrels and ne'er-do-wells were thrown and left to rot at the Sultan's pleasure. Very medieval; cruel and barbarous in nature and intent.
Well well well, did someone say 'cruel and barbarous'? Who are the touchstone people for this phrase? I shan't lead you on, let me just illustrate the modern-day 'Zindan' as now seen in occupied Ukraine. Art!
The hapless
Hmmmmm looks rather like rain later on, better accelerate the Edna Excursion timetable.
Meanwhile, At The Other End Of The Moral Spectrum ...
Conrad has only, annoyingly, seen part of "The Banshees Of Inisherin", which is nothing at all to do with horror or the supernatural. It is, in fact, a rather dark and knowing comedy, set during the Irish Civil War. Central to the action is a pub, Devines, which is the social centre for the islanders of Inisherin. This is the rural Ireland of a century ago, gentle reader, where electricity or running water were rare indeed. Art!
This is the purpose-built pub set, which was due to be demolished after filming. Except for Luke Mee, who by sheer coincidence possessed a publican's licence and a keen interest in owning the set. By a happy coincidence and a brother in law, he got the whole thing for exactly €0. However, he did have to transport it to his native County Galway on a (presumably large) truck. Art!
The polar opposite of a dank hole in the ground.
Ooops. Too late. The rain has started. However, I shall get extra brownie points if I go out in it. Hmmmm
"City In The Sky"
We have jumped to the Australian outback, and a pack of preternaturally intelligent dingoes, who are watching what are plainly not humans.
Hackles were raised when a pair of the
actual Not-Good emerged from their canopy, hackles and a low growling. The pair of erect, undulating creatures
headed across the barren ground to a tree (as the dingoes saw the plastic
pole), removing it from the ground, moving on again and replanting it. This brought them perilously close to the
pack, who looked to their leader for any action to be taken.
Wisely, he refrained. As a junior in the pack, long ago, he’d
witnessed a frantic attack on a lone Not-Good that had wandered beyond view of
the canopy. Alone, it still managed to
kill three dingoes before the others overwhelmed it, bearing the creature to
the ground, tearing away the brittle, metallic covering, ripping into the
disgusting flesh beneath.
Torn apart. That hadn’t prevented the flying Not-Good
from pursuing the scattered pack within a few brief heartbeats, burning half of
them into ash whilst other survivors ran and hid.
Thus it had been in the time of his
father, and his father’s father. Dingo
mythology was limited, abstract and not particularly time-bound, but they did
recognise that the Not-Good had arrived out of nowhere when there had been a
hunting paradise for the Nullarbor packs: few of the Good, plenty of prey and by
then the stinging rains and endless clouds had long departed.
Nope, sorry, they're dingoes, not Scooby-Doo - no talking.
Well, it's more spitting than raining. Which meant no other dogwalkers encountered!
Bring Up The P.I.A.T.! - O No, Sorry - Bring Up The Polish Film Posters!
With apologies to "A Bridge Too Far". The paras at Arnhem also had quite a few six-pounder anti-tank guns, but none are seen in action, although you see a wrecked one at t
ANYWAY - Art!
I couldn't figure out what this one was as it's titled in Polish and French, and then realised it's "Sorceror", William Friedkin's gritty and not at all bad remake of "The Wages Of Fear". Central to the plot is driving two trucks full of sweaty, extra-sensitive dynamite, which is where the explodey head image comes from. There's a fantastically evocative still they used as a film poster in the less metaphorical nations of the world. Art!
Finally -
I think that's enough of my witless meandering in prose. Or am I underselling myself? Answers in the Comments, please!
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