BOOJUM!: Lines

Yes, We Are Being Deliberately Ambiguous

That's how we role. After all, being all logical and linear gets dull after a while. So, whilst Your Humble Scribe was taking a comfort break and musing on the subjects that we could cover with the topic 'Lines', he was hit by an epiphany (the Muse can strike at odd times).

" 'Lines'" I mused, aloud, it being safe to do so as I was alone. "Isn't that the title of a song by <wrinkled brow in concentration> Deaf School?"

And do you know what, it was nearly. Art!

Formed by the bassist from Deaf School. If you want more allusions to lines than you can shake several sticks at, give it a listen, it's on Youtube.

Then there's the old school punishment of being given lines to write out repeatedly as a method of wasting the time of a pupil transgressor. Conrad is not sure if this is ever done anymore, as the ICC has probably deemed it cruel and unusual punishment. Art!

This has nothing to do with lines, it's just one of my favourite PH tracks - instrumental composed by Matt Fisher.

ANYWAY I am now 392 pages into "Jonathan Strange And Mister Norrell" and, true to type, Susan Clarke has taken a long time to get to Portugal, having set aside 10 pages on the background of why the magician Jonathan Strange needed to be sent there. He arrives in February of 1811, and is a military ingenue, utterly unaware of how modern (for the time) warfare was conducted. Art!

French and British tourists having fun

Johnny making mischief

Here an aside. I didn't realise the book came out in 2004 and there was a television adaptation in 2015. I may have to investigate further, especially as it features Eddie Marsan. Go look him up, I'm not babying you.

ANYWAY Steve encounters the phrase "the Lines" several times, and being an innocent abroad, he has no idea what it means BUT CONRAD DOES!

You see, the Anglo-Portuguese army in the Peninsula was considerably outnumbered by that of the French, 45,000 versus 65,000. Wellington was aware of French plans to invade Portugal from their Spanish satrapy, and he turned his considerable intellect onto the problem. Art!

This map gives you an understanding of how rugged the Portuguese landscape was, full of mountain ranges, so much so that Wellington realised the French could only invade from the North. Art!

He also realised, for geographical, military and political reasons, that the French would have to conquer Lisbon to be able to genuinely conquer Portugal. To avert any risk of this happening, he ordered the construction of the 'Lines of Torres Vedras', four lines of fortifications consisting of redoubts, forts, moats, ravelins and reinforced embrasures, all of which were mutually self-supporting and able to communicate with semaphore. Art!

Marshal Massena arrived just after the lines had been constructed, when the Anglo-Portuguese army retired into the first line. Aware that a direct assault would annihilate his army, Massena set out to wait -

- only to discover that Wellington had ordered a scorched-earth policy, with 200,000 of the civilian population being removed from in front of the lines, all crops destroyed and any form of foodstuff either carried off or destroyed. This was the French army's Achilles heel: they had dreadful logistics and relied upon their soldiers scavenging for food instead of having a proper commissariat (hmmm that rings a contemporary bell of sorts in a distant manner). Massena eventually gave up in March of 1811 (shortly after Jonathan arrived) and retreated north, having lost 25,000 men despite fighting only a single pitched battle in September the previous year. Disease, malnutrition and vile winter weather did most of them in. Art!

Conrad is pretty sure that the Lines of Torres Vedras appear in this novel, as the starving French soldiers try to catch wild birds to eat.

There appears to be more of Ol' Clarkie's novel set in the Peninsula to come, and you'd better believe Your Humble Scribe is going to relate to you what he finds interesting*.

Conrad Is Still ANGRY!

Just because I've not been lambasting Codeword compilers doesn't mean I've mellowed into a doddery old man who listens to those stupid radio stations that play the same songs over and over, where witless DJs hope to be 'discovered' and move onto television, and talk over the music**. Enough pleasantries! On with the ANGER!

"EUCHRE": Say what? Collins Concise, do your stuff. "A South Canadian and British American card game for two, three or four players, using a poker pack."

I see.

NO ACTUALLY I DON'T - ARE WE ALL SUDDENLY DEGENERATE GAMBLERS?

I thought it might be religious and it's only filthy euchre.

"City In The Sky"

Let's try again, I somehow managed to delete the originally posted version of this. The Doctor and Ace are down in the Underground, getting the hot scoop on why London is deserted.

‘You tell ‘im, Tom. You tell ‘im.’

‘Quiet, Nan! He really didn’t know. Did you, mister? Christ, where you been?’ A thought struck him. ‘You’re from one of them space stations, is that it?’

‘Sort of,’ fibbed the Doctor.

Tom sat back down again.

‘It were the Pakis. They fired a missile up at you lot and something went wrong with it. When it came down it set off loads of other missiles they had there. Poisoned half the country. Then India went to war against them and China joined in against India. The Ruskies are spoiling for a war, and NATO is getting ready.’

‘I take it London has been evacuated?’

‘Dead right. Nan won’t leave, though, so Trish and me got her here. We go out and nick food and stuff when there’s no police patrols around.’

‘I grew up ‘ere!’ squawked Nan, indignantly. ‘They ain’t moving me!’

‘We thought the Tube’d be a good place to hide, like in the Blitz.’

Tipping his hat again, the Doctor thanked them and nudged Ace in the direction of away. A last faint shout from Nan came before they reached the escalators.

‘Don’t forget to shut the gate!’

Unfortunately for Tom et al, the warheads about to hit London are about five-hundred thousand times bigger than those suffered during the Blitz.

Wallet Squeaks Mutely

Well, I did it last night - ordered "The Bunker" Volumes 1, 3 and 4 via Abebooks, and I had to contort into a pretzel to manage it as I don't seem to have ordered anything from Abebooks since last November, when I first purchased this laptop. The whole triptych only comes to £22, thanks to free postage. They'll probably arrive next week.

There was a rumour about the series being adapted for television, but that was back in 2019. I wonder if Ol' Netty has expressed an interest?

Anglo-Ukrainian Architectural Re-Modelling Undertaken, Reasonable Prices

As per usual, our lack of taste is worn as a badge of honour.

Talking of hubris, you may recall that BOOJUM! mentioned a Ruffian war criminal being shot dead whilst out having a jog. He got shot repeatedly and probably saw the assassin doing the deed. Art!

Before

After

This is, or was, the Duna Hotel in Berdyansk, occupied Ukraine. It was a headquarters building for the Ruffians, since they like to steal and occupy prime Ukrainian property. They still haven't fully accepted the fact that the locals hate them with the burning passion of a galaxy going nova, and had passed on details of who and what was where to the SBU, who had put their heads together.

Enter Stormzy.

The most prominent casualty was one Lieutenant General Tsokov; unlike that submarine commander, he never saw or heard it coming, and you can debate which is the less worse. Not only him but his entire staff has been malleted; there were ambulances coming and going all night long. He was, by Ruffian standards, a 'competent' commander, which probably means he could use a fork and knife at the same time.

What's the point of this item? Merely to point out that Ruffian assets long thought safely distant are now liable to encounter a half-ton cruise missile that can split reinforced concrete bunkers open like an eggshell. Art!

President Macron said that the M8's are donating these Storm Shadow variants to Ukraine.

O, don't forget these weapons, like HIMARS, are 30 years old. Cutting edge they are not. Effective they most certainly are.

Finally -

Back to Ukraine, but on a much lighter note. The Ukrainian soldiers are utter butter-softies when it comes to animals. There is a clip of one struggling up a slim sapling, he being a hefty bloke carrying a lot of kit, merely in order to level the trunk so Moggy can walk to freedom. Let us now introduce Mavic (like the drone). Art!