Conrad, As You Should Surely Know By Now
Is ever on the lookout for anything that will inspire content for the blog. There I was, on the way to do the weekly shop, and pondering what might trigger a reflux of imagination, when I drove past a set of traffic lights. Don't worry, they were on green.
"When were they invented?" was my first thought, followed by a wry wince because I was driving and had no way to make a note about them. Never mind, I drove through enough of them back home that there was no danger of forgetting. Art!
Don't ask me. Teutons.
The South Canadians in the corner are jumping up and down, arms in the air because they foolishly believe they invented the traffic light in the early twentieth century.
Not so fast, chaps. Art!
The South Canadians will be crushed to learn that this Dada edifice went up in 1869, and then they might sulkily point out that it's a semaphore, not a traffic light. Hard cheese, maties, there is a gas light on the top of it that was supposed to clearly illuminate the 'arms', which were operated by a policeman standing under the structure.
Why is the world not awash in street furniture that busily signals away with semaphoring arms?
Er - well, you see, two months after being unveiled, the gas lamp exploded, slaying the unfortunate copper beneath it, which kind of put a crimp both in his day and plans for more of these infernal devices.
The South Canadians wisely refrained from trying to use dangerous explosive devices and waited until mains electricity was a thing, creating the first recognisable three-colour traffic light in 1914. Art!
At the time - August 5th - Europe was busy getting stuck into the First Unpleasantness, and wasn't able to devote proper attention to this innovation. In the big South Canadian cities, replete with cars, heavy traffic could be controlled in a safe and efficient manner that reduced accidents - which is where we get today's title from.
South Canadian traffic lights now have a 'countdown timer' often present, which informs drivers and pedestrians of how long they've got to get past the light or get onto the pavement (or 'sidewalk' in South Canadian argot). Art!
I could pad this Intro out with a lot of hot air about pedestrian crossings and symbols used instead of merely three coloured lights. There are the rare 'Pegasus' traffic light systems, used for horses in traffic, which, if Art will get off his waffle-patterned posterior -
We could do with a few of these near The Mansion, there's always horses being trotted about the local roads thanks to the nearby stable. Art!
Hmmmmmm I see what you did there. I shall leave it up as it links to the next item -
Haberman Hits Home
You may not be familiar with the South Canadian journalist Maggie Haberman, but Conrad is, since he cannot stay away from the Youtube clips from CNN, MSNBC and other news programs. Art!
She has won the Pulitzer Prize, worked for CNN, Politico and the New York Times, and is quite the perceptive cookie. On MSNBC this morning she had this to say of DJ Tango: "He's not very good at keeping other people's secrets, but he's very good at keeping his own." Art!
Look at his adorably tiny hand!
She was talking about the 'Target letter' sent to Trump's lawyers on Sunday, which means an indictment and arrest are looming in the near future for Agent Orange. He said nothing about it at the time until he was forced to admit it when a newspaper started asking awkward questions about it. That above is him bloviating about it in Iowa; apparently he was in a very bad mood on the way there, thanks to the looming indictment.
Mags also noted that, in the past, it's been Darth Marmalade who attempted to bluster and bamboozle other parties with legal issues up the wazoo. He is now in the unenviable position of seeing what this looks like on the receiving end.
Perfidious Albion Is - Perfidious
Speaking of apprentice dictators, Conrad is pretty sure that the Bloaty Gas Tout's list of Countries I Really, Really Hate starts with "1) Britain" because he's still pretending that Ukraine isn't a country, and he's too scared of South Canada to risk being put on an Expedient Demise list. He knows that, behind the scenes, Britain will be using all the levers of soft power available to her to undercut his nation and render it feeble and prone to collapse. Art!
This is Sir Richard Moore, also known by his official alias "C", and he is the head of what we like to call the Secret Intelligence Service, a.k.a. MI6. These are the people who work overseas to thwart plans such as those of the Puffy Petrograd Petrol Pimp. Why do I mention this?
MI6 has recruited a number of Russians disaffected by the Ukraine war, its chief has revealed, as he appealed for more to defect and work with them.
This is nightmare fuel for Tsar Poutine. He knows a considerable number of Ruffians loathe and despise him, and the ones who couldn't afford to flee are still living within the boundaries of Sinister Union 2.0. How many have been 'turned'? Single figures? Dozens? HUNDREDS?!
Perhaps none at all. Still, the Kremlin Gremlin can only take the most gloomy view. He's probably necking elephant tranquilisers to get a decent night's sleep.
It's still not known how many Sinister's worked for MI6 during the Cold War, because one thing that the SIS guarantees is discretion. We might find out under the Hundred Years Rule, in 2091.
"City In The Sky"
Our intrepid time-travellers have gone into orbit to seek out the very first orbital arcology.
CHAPTER FIVE: Spin
Me Round
After this temporal interregnum, they landed on unremarkable green sward, reminiscent of a well-manicured English lawn. This was deceptive since it was actually the inner surface of an orbital satellite, directly above the Earth of 2065 and the looming spectre of nuclear war. This manner of movement was supremely easy for the Doctor, being carried out merely in three dimensions as opposed to his ususal four or five.
‘Pay attention, now, Ace!’ he cautioned,
standing beside the control console and leaning on his umbrella. ‘You are going
to be setting foot on what amounts to an alien world. Utterly unlike what you’ve ever seen before.’
Ace looked at her lecturing eldere with a
sense of resignation. Let’s see, what
Prof Warnings are there -
Older Viewpoint: check.
Novel Situation: check.
Awareness of Danger: check.
What she didn’t take into account was the
perceptive (and perspective) differential when a traveller moved from timeship
to terrestrial, or Bernal sphere.
‘Oh my lord!’ she blurted when the Tardis
doors opened and she stepped out onto the (hydroponic) soils of Arcology One.
The view was not initially disorienting,
at least for the first few seconds.
After that, her mind began to process the internal architecture of
Arcology One and compare it to what she had experienced as a young adult in
Perivale.
"And everyone is upside down" as The Who lyrics go. Well, not everyone - only those who appear to be directly overhead.
Bring On A Polish Film Poster!
For the last time - this is the last image of the website that I've plundered progressively over the past months. Art!
"Girl And Taxi Driver" it says here. Conrad is dubious. This looks disturbingly sleazy and suggestive and only barely SFW. Art!
Close enough
Right, that's enough, I've got Jake Broe's latest vlog to watch. Chin chin!
* This is actually utter nonsense but I didn't want the South Canadians to think they'd got one up on us.
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