Getting Horny

 First Of All -

WASH OUT YOUR FILTHY MINDS! you disgusting perverts.  How many times do I have to tell you that BOOJUM! is safe for work?  Yes yes yes, we once had a woman's bottom, except that was on a statue, which makes it Art.  No, no, go back to your coal-induced coma, Art, we're not talking about you.

     Moving on, if Conrad was to say to you "Oryx", what would you think?

     That's right!  The interesting if depressing speculative fiction novel by Margaret Attwood.  Art!  WAKE UP!  Now we're talking about you.

The work itself

     The cover art is a detail from an Heironymous Bosch painting so don't look too closely or you'll got mad.  It is set in a post-apocalyptic world where Crake, your archetypical Mad Scientist, has introduced a plague pandemic hidden in health pills.  Human civilisation has utterly collapsed, with only the narrator and a few wandering nomads left, leaving Earth to be populated by 'Crakers', humanoid creatures genetically engineered by Crake.  Art!

Closest I can get

     "Oryx" also refers to several species of antelope, notable for their very large horns NO SNIGGERING AT THE BACK, which are: The Arabian Oryx, the Scimitar Oryx, the East African Oryx and the Gemsbok.  Art!

Hence today's title

     However, pretty obviously neither of these are what I'm referring to, because thinking in a straight line is not one of our strengths here on the blog.  No, the 'Oryx' I mentioned is a Dutch website that uses Open-Source Intelligence (hereafter OSINT) to establish equipment losses in the Ukrainian war THERE I SAID IT PETER THE AVERAGE!  Art!

Possibly a stylised antelope?

     I've heard it mentioned several times by Suchomimus and Jake Broe on their vlogs on Youtube, yet never bothered to actually pay them a visit.  Their rationale on listing Ruffian losses since February 24th is: 

"This list only includes destroyed vehicles and equipment of which photo or videographic evidence is available. Therefore, the amount of equipment destroyed is significantly higher than recorded here. Small arms, ATGMs, MANPADS, loitering munitions, drones used as unmanned bait, civilian vehicles, trailers and derelict equipment are not included in this list."

     

     So, they require photographic or video evidence to make a count, rather than vague assertions such as Ruffian casualty figures.  Their lists are broken down by general class and then specific type and link to a photograph of the equipment in question.  Art!

An example

     They have a handy total, updated daily, which lists total Ruffian losses as: 

8047, of which: destroyed: 4929, damaged: 198, abandoned: 300, captured: 2620

     These are absolutely staggering totals and don't forget the real total is going to be even higher.  They also list Ukrainian losses as:

2293, of which: destroyed: 1375, damaged: 94, abandoned: 60, captured: 763

     So the Russian's loss rate is 3.5 times greater than the Ukrainians.  Not only that, the Ukrainians now have MORE vehicles than they did when the invasion began, to the tune of 327, because they've been donated so much Borc kit.  Art!

"3D Chessmaster"?  He couldn't win in a game of tiddlywinks

"Sarpeidon"

Not sure why but this word popped into my head when I was opening the breadbin yesterday.  My mind is like that, compartmentalised with so much rubbish that it overflows at times.

     'Sounds like a Babylonian city,' I mused.  'Perhaps Assyrian.'

     Welllllll no.  I Googled and discovered that it is in fact from "Starry Trek", specifically "All Our Yesterdays".  Sarpeidon is due to be destroyed by the star it orbits, Beta Niobe, which is about to go supernova.  Art!

     The inhabitants have all gone through a time-portal into the past of their planet.  Spock ends up with a hot babe who wears skimpy fur clothing under her parka.  Art!

     Mariette Hartley, that's the hottie - er, actress.  She was a bit of a staple on South Canadian television in the Sixties and Seventies.

     So - Sarpeidon!

Bricking It

Junk mail.  Who doesn't hate it?  Only the bumbletucks and bafunes who post the Dog Buns stuff out.  One Youtube Redditor found a solution.

     He'd been deployed overseas and came back home, looking forward to taking up his old job as a stonemason.  The fly in the ointment was junk mail.  In South Canada, you see, their primitive mail system means that each household maintains a mailbox, into which mail arrives.  Art!

Thus

     He began to get so much junk mail he had to empty the mailbox or there was no room left for the next day.  He then took out registration with the Do Not Send mail option, and after a month most of the junk mail stopped.

     Except for five persistent credit card pests.  So our protagonist checks with the Post Office, finds out that what he wants to do is legal, and buys 5 bricks at $1 each.  He gets the pre-paid envelope for each CC company, tapes the pre-paid envelope to it and adds a short note, informing them he is a professional stonemason and can keep this up indefinitely.

     The junk mail stopped.

The instrument of vengeance

"The Sea Of Sand"

Battle is joined!

Atop the enemy hull, a turret rotated to point at the firing Sahariana from Fourth Section, and the machine gun fell silent.

          Closing one eye, Pretoro aimed slightly under the half-way mark of the featureless massive vehicle hull, starting at the rear, swivelling the Breda to follow his point of view, hearing the ill-oiled bearings squeak in protest.  Thin wisps of dust blew up around the strange, squashed tracks that the vehicle use to move about on.  He could see individual pebbles in the path, about to be crushed –

          He pulled the trigger, shuddering at the noise and recoil, dragging the cannon around to the right and seeing the rounds smack into the target without bouncing off. 

          ‘Ammo!’ he yelled as the bolt fell on an empty chamber.  Bartolomei yanked the empty magazine out, put a new on in place and slammed it home with the heel of his palm.  Pretoro cocked the cannon again, firing the rounds at the front of the vehicle.  It didn’t move again.

          ‘Reverse!’ he shouted at the driver, banging on the man’s helmet.  The big desert car jerked into motion, but too slowly.  The second black tank smashed into the rear of the first, shoving it forward brutally, allowing enough room for the silent and deadly ray gun to do it’s work.

     At least it's not a walkover.  Plucky Hom. Sap!  Not quite as puny and defenceless as the Doctor has been quoted as saying.

"Night Of The Big Heat"

This came up on Facebook with Wonder Wifey identifying someone as being Dad in "Black Beauty" - a television program about a horse before you narrow your eyes - and which Conrad has seen, once, many decades ago.  I couldn't remember any details except that the whole cast were very sweaty.  Art!

     Typically the poster has nothing to do with Christopher Lee menacing an underclad young lady, even if her clothing looks distressed.  

     ANYWAY what I wanted to mention is this chap.  Art!

     This is Sydney Bromley, and he is the grandad of Jane Bromley, whom I used to work with a decade ago.  He's also in "Quatermass And The Pit", quite possibly the most frightening television series ever made.

     Small world.

Finally -

We're over the count so I could finish but I wanted to add in a short item about the ballfoot game between England and Iran.  Yes yes yes, I said I'd never mention it again, sue me.  The Iranian team lost, but they also refused to sing the Iranian national anthem, which is going to get them in severe trouble if/when they go home.  It was also a stage for Iranian protesters.  Art!

     About a billion people got to see this.  Conrad thoroughly approves in their defying a loathsome regime currently shooting protesters with heavy machine guns.  Peter The Average can really pick his friends.