Return To The Sum Of Nothing

Which Is Perilously Close -
 - to the original title for Pink Floyd's "Echoes", which was "Return to the Sun of Nothing".  You know me - always ready to invoke Syd Barrett's baby.  If it's not them then it would have been The Comsat Angels, one of the finest rock bands Britain ever produced, as well as one of the unluckiest.
     Where were we?
     Ah.  Yes.  Returning the theme.  Your Humble Scribe is back at work after a surprise 12 days away, returning to an office where things have changed dramatically - hence the "Nothing" of today's title.  This is a bit of a bind in itself, made doubly so by the fact that a whole bunch of people have left and I've no idea whom remains.  Oo-er.

The wicked world of work, cast against a blood-red sky.*

     Now that I've found where I sit, the next thing is to worry about who can see my monitor, most especially managers and their ilk.  A small thing yet vital, since one needs to be very wary about who can see what's on your screen, because some of Your Humble Scribe's websites of choice are - shall we say "niche"? - and perhaps easily misinterpreted.**
   And no, I am not going to put up screencaps that illustrate what I mean.  Wash your dirty minds out!

Schadenfreude
Usually this refers to Conrad's malicious enjoyment of the Comments at the Beeb's Football webpages, and there have been some corkers recently.  It's surprising just how much sheer venom the human frame can both generate and contain.
     On this occasion, however, the ballfoot fans can sigh with relief, for my malicious enjoyment is directed at the film "Jurassic Park", and the legal deconstruction of same by Legal Eagle over on Youtube.

An eagle.  Just so we're clear.

     Under the title "Laws Broken" our legal expert goes over the film and details all the failings and liabilities, and they are numerous.  The first death is entirely preventable -

- and isn't this one.

   -  being when a hapless minion is devoured by velociraptors, since the procedure to release them is needlessly dangerous.  £4 million in compensation immediately!
     The chief villain of the piece, one Mister Nedry, also comes out rather badly.

Before his "3rd Rock From The Sun" glory days

     Admittedly, he also ends up extremely dead, but this does at least mean he avoids the three consecutive life sentences he'd have served thanks to the deaths he causes.  Alas, this doesn't negate the additional £16 million in damages that Hammond will have to pay to the deceased's estates.  Nor does it take into account the many, many instances of sheer incompetent negligence - electric fences easily ascended by small children, anyone? - that exist all across the park.  Why, one might be forgiven for thinking that they were designing their Health and Safety around a film script or something ...

            The Gallimimus 100 yard sprint                                      Laugh-a while you can, monkey boy!
     Think about it - that T Rex was able to escape because the electric fence was so flimsy it practically fell apart on contact.  As Legal Eagle points out, all they needed to do was lower the level of it's enclosure to prevent any possibility of escape, which would be immensely more practical.  If making for a much shorter, boring film.

You May Now Sigh With Relief
As I am typing this at work.  This means that uploading pictures from my phone is problematic - I might blow up the Dark Tower or short-circuit Gomorrah-on-the-Irwell, that sort of thing.  So, unless I find a way to jigger things over lunch, you are going to have a welcome break from Staffordshire Regimental Museum.
     SIT BACK DOWN!
     I haven't finished yet.  And, because you were bad, you shall get this -

The staff of the Staffords addressing them

BOOJUM! Reviews Films
We haven't done this for a while, so there is a backlog of libel, slander and non sequiteurs waiting to be actioned.  Let us explain how we review films here:  we go by the title and that's it.  We generalise wildly, insult freely and apologise to nobody.  You want a proper review?  Go to a proper website.***
"Mary Queen Of Scots":  O dearie me.  A brand of film Conrad instantly dismisses with seething contempt as "A Big Skirt Film".  There was a queen, she was called Mary, she ruled the Scots, the end.  Throw in a battle or two, some snow and a haggis and we're done.

Beady, needy and possibly quite greedy.

"The Kid Who Would Be King":  Hmmm.  Conrad spots a trend here.  Actually, Kid, I think there are considerable handicaps to your attempt to mount the throne.  First of all, Ol' Queenie is still alive and kicking.  Even were she to croak it, there's her son Prince <thinks> Charles who would then become King.  And there's a couple of decades left in him yet.  Then there's oodles of other royals queuing up in the wings.  You're going to have to commit an awful lot of regicides to be King, Kid.  Which the police might very well object to.

There they are, objecting.

"Serenity": Or, Hollywood has definitely run out of ideas.  What the actual flip?  The original was only made in 2005, for the sake of Pete.  Your Humble Scribe wonders if they'll still have the ugliest spaceship ever to grace the screen.  Art?

An ugly critter.  You can't deny it.

     Conrad would also suggest you watch the television series first, as he didn't bother and found the film rather confusing as a result. 

     If you are put off or offended by any of these reviews, then we here at BOOJUM! have done our job and can go home satisfied, all the more so if we made anyone cry.  And I had to add this last sentence to hit the 1,000 word mark.



*  Poetic licence.

**  I still insist that swimsuit model website was vital - vital! - for my work.
***  We recommend Mark Kermode.  Fan of The Comsat Angels, don't you know.