Chinese Democracy

No!  I Do Not Mean That Album -
By Girns 'n' Hoses, or somesuch cult obscurities.  No, I mean that we are going to be skirting the borders of Current Affairs and even Politics - shudder! - although they are normally proscribed topics.


                                      Oh dear.  Art strikes again <sound of Tazer being charged up>

     Chinese democracy, as it applies to the Populous Dictatorial Republic, is a bit sketchy, to be honest.  Tricky.  Hard to pin down.  Even - dare we say it - deceptive?
     Which is great! because it links in directly with a subject close to my fusion-powered pumping unit heart, that of the British Army in the First Unpleasantness.
     Do try and keep up there!  Yes, from contemporary Asia to the battlefields of France and Flanders circa 1918.
     Here an aside.  There were an awful lot of Chinese labourers in France during the First Unpleasantness, doing unskilled manual labour for the Allies.  Art?

Toting barges and lifting bales, that kind of thing

     For some reason I can't be bothered to research, the noun "Chinese" had become associated with "fraud, trickery, mischief or deceit" on the Western Front.  Hence we have the Royal Artillery firing 'Chinese barrages' that were supposed to persuade the bally Teuton that an attack was going in there, when it was actually going in here.

     Perfidious Albion is - perfidious.

    What I really want to direct your attention to is the account of the 46th Division, getting ready to assault the formidable Tueton defences of the Hindenburg line.  In preparation they had a 'Chinese' attack laid on, with two parts.  The first were some 90 figures in outline, constructed out of sheet wood, dispersed by night across No Man's Land, where the division was not going to attack.  They lay flat during the night, and at dawn a few brave souls lying out in shell scrapes would pull ropes that caused the 'attackers' to jump upright.

Behold the 'blokes' that bamboozled the Bosche

     There was also a trio of 'Chinese' tanks, erected overnight.  One was a full-scale dummy, the other two were merely silhouettes.  Oh my the Teutons did not like these!  They were heavily and persistently shelled when daylight revealed their deceptive forms.
     Thus: Chinese democracy.

Behold the beast that baffled the Bosche

The Sinister Sound Of "Skulls"
I did burble on, rather, about the horrid cognitive dissonance between some of The Chemical Brother's songs and content versus their ghastly ring-modulated lyrics.
     Of course, there is another side to the question, which is exemplified by the track "Skulls" by those Norwegian funsters Royksopp.  Art?

Not quite death metal, but definitely on the way there.

     Yes, it is sinister, because it's supposed to be.  Art?

We will be the arms that lift you up and
We will be the hand that strike you down
We will make you scream our name forever
We will make you go another round

      Really?  Really??  I don't think so!  Get out of here with your fleshless crania!*

"I Remember When This Was All Fields"
Actually I don't, that's a bare-faced lie, because we're talking about the city centre of Manchester here, and Gomorrah-on-the-Irwell hasn't had fields in the centre for several centuries.** 
    I refer, of course, to that article in the M.E.N. about "Northern Soul", this being the splendid grilled cheese sandwich emporium, as owned by Dale, who is a friend of a friend.  Art?

     This dizzy march to global restraunteur dictatorship began a good few years ago, when their old venue was but half the size it was, and when your humble scribe could indulge his inner greed by gorging on their sandwiches without a care for his cholesterol.
     Oh well.

Finally -
I spotted a gift of a byline on the Beeb's website, which has now shifted so I can't copy the headline itself with a picture, but we shall improvise a way round it.  Art?

THE DEADLY DANGERS OF DUCKS!

     "The dangers that lurk in your bathroom" it solemnly declares, before going on to lecture you about toys, bath seats and towels.
     THE FOOLS!  THE BLIND FOOLS!
     Can't they see one of the biggest dangers in your bathroom are -

KILLER EELS!

     If Art can bestir himself -


KILLER EELS!  KILLER EELS! KILLER EELS!

     Look, look, this one is CLIMBING OUT OF THE OCEAN TO ATTACK YOU -

RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!

     Of course, I might be overthinking this ...


*  Is this the correct plural of "Cranium"?  Well it is now.
**  I am merely aged, not antique.