Cow Hands Made Of Rubber

Silicon Rubber, At That
No!  I am not merely stringing together a series of random words, "Cow Hands Made Of Rubber" are real, I tell you, REAL!
     Perhaps I should explicate a little before plunging right in.  If you have been keeping up with BOOJUM! - the only way your offspring are going to remain free and out of the organ-banks - then you will know I have been dog-sitting whilst Wonder Wifey went winging her way o'er the wide wet.  Selflessly, of course, with nary a thought of profit or reward because dogsitting Edna is it's own reward -
     - but O!  What's this?
     Presents?  For me?  How kind!  Art?

     You can see but not smell the tea, which was obtained from the only such retailer in the whole of Gran Canaria - tea-retailer (teatailer?) - because Conrad is nothing if not a tea snob.  The Jasmine tea smells delightful, and the Lapsang Souchong smells like a warehouse full of tarry rope - so, equally delightful.
     We then move onto the Cow Hands, which are for handling hot dishes or baking equipment straight from the oven.  Shaped like cows.  Edna is verrrry suspicious of these, quite as much as she is suspicious about brooms or the portable Dyson.  I feel if they were left lying idly about, then they'd be rubbished by a set of small sharp teeth ...

A Narrow Escape
Here you should imagine the final scene from a black and white Thirties horror flick, with the burgomeister and a dashing young student sadly inspecting the pile of ashes and clinker that used to be the mad scientist's lab.  "There are some things man is not meant to know," the burgomeister sorrowfully intones*.  That, or "The fool!  The meddling fool!"
     I refer, of course, to the narrow escape you have all had, in which your world was in immediate danger of being cut into bits and eaten, by a rogue planet-killing robot weapon, of course.  Art?

     You are lucky indeed that the primitive levels of technology present on your domicile did not trip this device's sensors, and that it had recently "fed" (probably dining-out in the Oort Cloud), otherwise the tagline for Hom. Sap. would be "Planet Earth - it was good while it lasted."
     Equally fortunately, the planet-killer's course is taking it well away from the Solar System.  Just don't suddenly develop hyperspatial transmission coil technology ...

A very narrow escape!

Zombie Shark
No, this is not a recapitulation of yesterday's post about a zombie fighting a shark, this is about sharks that are zombies.  It came out in 2015 and apparently is so cheaply made that even if only three men and their dog went to see it, it would still turn a profit.  The plot, such as it is, involves zombie sharks picking off a bunch of people and also spreading their zombie infection.

How did that shark get up on the sand?  HOW!

     Hmmm.  I see a gaping plot hole here.  If you are a human attacked by a shark, even if it's merely a normal shark and not NUCLEAR-POWERED WITH THREE HEADS!!!** then you are in serious trouble, as a Great White will bite you in half at the very least.  Worrying about whether you've contracted a zombie virus is going to be a very long way down your list of priorities when there's only 40% of you left intact.
     I notice a theme with the - er - creator of "Zombie Shark", as his other film credits include - waitforitwaitforit - "Mississippi River Sharks", "Ozark Sharks"*** and "Ghost Shark".

That Titan Of Terror, Winnie The Pooh
Yes, really!  I know I once posted about the <ahem> thermonuclear terror of Winnie the Pooh, which I think is hilarious, if completely false mostly false okay there is a grain of truth in it as bears can be vicious, especially if there's honey at stake ANYWAY we are back to the trials and tribulations of Operation Sealion, the abortive Teuton attempt to get their ankles wet and storm the shores of Perfidious Albion.  This is a lot more difficult to put into practice than it is to rant about in front of an admiring audience (potential world dictators take note).
     Okay, we are now onto the subject of rail guns.  No, not the modern hi-tec things that the US Navy has been mucking about with, guns that went around on railway mountings because they were so freaking huge.  Art?

"Shy and retiring, the Winnie seeks shelter in it's natural habitat"

     The Teutons armed themselves along the French coast with batteries of these, that performed miserably in real life, and the expense of the ammunition they fired goes well beyond the value of the one small ship they sank.  A moving target is harder to hit, after all.
     The arrival of an off-shore armada of Rhine river barges, tugs and light freighters would have been quite the opposite of a moving target; you need to remain static if you are offloading cargo, after all.  These would have been wonderful targets for Winnie, and her compatriots Bosche Buster and Scene Shifter.  Art?

Bosche Buster

     You could get away with a name like that back then.  As I said, on rails.  The gun itself weighed in at nearly 90 tons, and it fired a one-ton shell.  The prospect of these projectiles landing amongst beaches crowded with invasion traffic is one to consider, and shipping in the Channel, anchored and immobile, would have all the survival chances of a pork chop in a dog pound.

Time to drag the motley behind the bus on a bit of rope!  Oh - no, wait a minute, we should have done that at the start.  Tomorrow, motley, tomorrow!


*  "Woman", apparently, is a different thing altogether.
**  An exclamation mark for each head
***  Not sure how this works - the Ozarks are land-locked ...