Conrad Predicts -

Low Traffic Tonight
     After all, how many people are going to hang around to read a blog when they can be out partying until 2014?
     Exactly!  Three.  And one's already been for a visit.

The Complete Alan Moore Future Shocks
     Say what?  Ah, this is a collection of comic strips from 2000AD's glory days back in the 80's

No they aren't boils!  It's a copy of Tharg the Editor's "Rosette of Sirius", transposed onto a caricature of Alan Moore.  There.  Everything is so much clearer now, isn't it?

Short, mordant, often with a twist in the tail, and frequently bleakly funny.  A well-targeted Christmas present!

Excuse me for a minute, that Ukranian dance troupe are wailing again -

 - bunch of softies.  It's only the airy Upper Dungeon!  As if they have anything to complain about!

Now Departing - The Train To Station PANIC!
     I went out at lunchtime (2 o'clock since you so-politely asked) to get a 2014 diary.  Being old-school, Conrad needs a hard copy real-world bit of papyrus between two boards as his daily journal, because mobile phones are inventions of the Devil.*
     I get back in at 2:45, the end of lunchtime, and get my hideously mangled Doctor Who (Tom Baker Years version) lunchbox, and a glass of water.  I need the food, I don't finish until 5:30.
     "Be logged-out and turned off by 3 o'clock!" informs the manager, tootling by cheerfully.
     Conrad spares his sandwich a longing glance, then has to turbo hustle to get his kit put away, bag packed, coat on, rubbish dumped, water drunk, shopping collected, gremlins squished, phone killed, lunch box reloaded and locker stuffed.  Similar scenes of mute anxiety occur across the floor.
     Fortunately I was able to join the lifts-bound escapees just in time. That is to say, our Fabulously Annoying Lifts**-bound escapees.

It was just like this, except with fewer cars and more zombies (they were from Payroll)

Requisat Im Pacem
     We will now have a two-minute silence for my old Doctor Who lunchbox, which I cannot photograph because it's under a pile of offal in the kitchen bin.  This below shows how it looked in it's pristine days:

Iconic!

 Sadly it went into a decline when it got knocked from the top of our tall freezer (the cats blamed the mice who blamed the hogs who blamed the cats) and in the end it was held together with an elastic band.


Well, I'm not hanging around here any longer - as I predict low traffic and those Ukranian bludgers are still whining - the Review of 2013 can come tomorrow.

Chin Chin!

* Scientifically proven to be a fact
**  Obviously designed by the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation

Mainly - Okay - Some - Okay Only A Little Food Tonight

But What's New?
     One of my Christmas presents was Paul Hollywood's "Bread", which has - obviously! - recipes for different types of bread, photos on how to make the bread and a recipe attached to each kind of bread.  So tonight I am going to attempt pitta bread.  Never made a pitta before, so this will be interesting.  Currently the dough is proving in the lounge, as Conrad's Upstair Lair is only just above freezing point*.

NO!  Not that kind of - Oh I give up.

"You Young Whippersnapper!"
     To quote homely, family-safe exclamations from probably every episode of "Scooby Doo" ever made.
     My point here is that, given a normal existence, a young whippersnapper will inevitably grow up into an old whippersnapper.  Got that?  So at any given time there will be an equivalent amount of old whippersnappers knocking about, balancing out the young.  In this case, why is it so terrible to be a young whippersnapper, and couldn't the exclaimer be at risk of being a whippersnapper themselves?  if a bit old.  Consequently why do we never hear the insult "you old whippersnapper!".

" ... and I would have gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for you young whippersnappers!  and the police, and the bloodhounds and the helicopter and the CSI people and the FBI and DEA ..."
 

Next!
    

Not four of the world's strongest coffees.

This, I think, qualifies as "Future Food".  My Secret Santa gift, habanero chilli seeds bedded in coconut mulch.  These chillis (when grown) are so hot they can turn back time, heal major illnesses and create small earthquakes.
     More on this story in a few weeks.

Fridge-emptying Date-Expired Challenge Continues
     Yes, and here's a photo to prove it. 

Best before 27/12/13.  Ah, what's three days between friends!

Most of this item is now the filling of a double-decker sandwich that I will be scoffing tomorrow.

Quality Workmanship
     Whilst emptying the washing machine I discovered this little rascal amongst the clothes -

Hello!  I'm alive!

It had gone through ninety minutes of washing and then sat unattended for another day - and it still worked.  So I can still clip it to my glasses and read in the dark**.

Sneezing
     Bizarre, non?  Actually not, this being the season when coughs and colds abound, Vulnavia.  Conrad, of course, cannot catch a cold*** but he witnessed some peculiarly feeble sneezing today.  When Conrad sneezes, it's because something has tickled the interior of his nose and he rarely gets time to warn people ahead of the EXTREMELY LOUD NOISE that follows.  When it happened last week, first aiders were required to attend to the heart attack victims and the elderly.

Sneezes are dull.  Here's a picture of a weird deep sea fish instead.

 *  He likes it cold.  Almost - inhumanly - cold ...
** He likes it dark.  Almost - sinisterly - dark ...
*** Alien pathology, you know.  Has it's uses.

Hello Fans!

Apparently I Have Some
     None more surprised than Conrad when, without any blog-pimping on Facebook, 6 people come and nosey around BOOJUM! 
     I'm not complaining, just wondering what it is or was that drew them in.  If only I could replicate the effect ....

The Food Challenge Continues
     That's six sausages, the last of the pancetta and three bread rolls used up.  We still have a packet of Polish Meat Croquettes to consume, plus some tomato salsa.  No photos posted because you got plenty yesterday.  Instead here's a photo of

The Moon being blown up!  Ha!  Take that, Moon!

A Weapon For A More Elegant Age
     To coin a phrase.  Or have I heard it somewhere else? That is, if you regard the pen as being mightier than the sword, which makes is a kind of literary NBC*.

Don't worry, we can rebuild it, make it better than before

From left to right you can see the barrel of a fountain pen, the cap, the three-part nib unit, separated, then a refillable adapter and a bottle of ink.  Conrad needed to separate the nib out in order to rinse and soak it, getting rid of the feeble blue ink.  Conrad uses black ink, for extra sinisternessssss.

M83
     Raconte-Moi Une Histoire.  Top notch stuff!

Get Some Perspective
     If you want to see where you fit in, astronomically, have a gander at this:

The Horsehead Nebula

Up for one of the Best Space Photographs of 2013 over at Auntie, herein the link:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/science-environment-23691292

This nebula is nearly 5 light years square.  Consider that next time you feel important!

Scatter My Data Day

Ten Points If You Got The "Riddley Walker" Reference
     Be prepared for a whole lot of photographs, Violetta.  A whole lot!

Firstly, We Have "Food" As Our Theme
     I bought a load of date-expired food yesterday.  Heck, Conrad has always felt that "Best By" is a challenge, not a warning.  First we have:

Smoked Salmon Shots

Then we have:

Polish Croquettes

Followed by:

The croquettes in question, cornered on a plate

 Then came:

Scotch Eggs

And then:

"Jogobella" is apparently Polish for "Extremely Cheap Strawberry Yoghurt"

What next?  Oh yes -

Before.  After.  Before.  After.

A 14" pizza.  For those of you who like metric, this means it barely fits in the oven.

The night isn't over yet, so I may have a bite more to consume, except you won't know until tomorrow.  Oh - did I mention the bottle of Lucozade, and the Orange Crush, and the pots of Russian Caravan Tea?

Conrad - no food goes to waste!

BEHOLD THE BED!
     Lo, for these many years past Conrad has needed to endure the indignities of a sofa-bed. A sofa-bed is convenient when you need space for your hyperspace transmission coil to be deployed, but it is frankly a pain in the bum when personal comfort is concerned.  Anyway, now that the invasion fleet is inbound from Alpha Centauri and doesn't need micro-managing, Conrad can have a proper bed.

Observe in envy at cosy well-appointed firm sleeping device:

Admire the emerald cushions, the very expensive mattress and enough storage room below for an ISBM*

Volcano Choir - Repave
     Forgive a middle-aged man posturing about how hip and trendy he is, but I really really like this CD, especially the first track and especially how it ends in a monster chord.  Rather like a couple of the Chemical Brothers tracks - "Denmark" and "Wonders Of The Deep", IIRC, and there's a Beatles track too <Mister Hand enters stage left to end any ennui-laden wallowing by PSMAM**>


* Inter Stellar Ballistic Missile.  BOOJUM! not limited to Planet Earth
** "Pear-Shaped Middle-Aged Man" thank you Mister Hand!

Omnivorous and Oblivious

Conrad's Day-long Skirmish With Food
     I needn't have bothered taking gluten-free cookies into work today - there was a considerable assembly of food remaining from Christmas Eve, all plonked rather conveniently next to my desk.  So!  First I exterminated a trio of mince pies, then went through a packet of breadsticks and four kinds of dip, used up a packet of ham, then finished another packet of ham rather than see it thrown out, ate a stollen bite, then a slice of real stollen, finished off the Gorgonzola, had some mature Cheddar slices, helped empty a tube of Pringles, had a tin of mackerel, a nectarine, a persimmon, two ham rolls, a tub of chilli cheese and a handful of carrot batons.
     I should have taken a before and after photo, shouldn't I?
     Conrad 5 Food 0

Having Just Done The Weekly Shop -
     In the evening some of the date-expired food gets reduced to daft levels.  For example:

All of 15p!

Now, there may have been a bit of sharp practice going on here: whoever had been doing reductions had left the scanner and printer in the reductions chiller cabinet.  Anyone who knows how to use the scanner (like me!) could have selected a silly 90% reduction rate.
     This leads us to another question: what are "Polish Croquettes With Meat"?
     Dunno!  But they only cost 15p so who cares what they are!

Conrad's Voluminous Flagon
     A useful Christmas present, viz:

Ruler for scale

It holds about 1.3 litres and is clearly a refugee from the Printworks Bierkeller.  Well it has now found a home!

Why Oblivious?
     Well it transpires that Chris, Team Leader at work, is in a relationship with Claire, ex-worker at work.  I only found out on Christmas Day, when apparently the entire office already knew and had done for months.  Months!
     This is not good news.  What else have I missed?  I'm sure we're moving to Angel Square in the near future.

Blindfolded, as a metaphor.  Also a whole lot more attractive than Conrad in blinkers

Mucilage!
     Yes, as part of your well-rounded education via BOOJUM! we look at this word.
     Obviously, o so obviously, this is Medieval French and means to generally torture and chop a person about, as they used to do at the drop of a wimple back in those days.  Yes -  to hack, slice and fillet a person into a bag of offal.
     What's that?  It's not?  Oh. 
     Apparently it means "A gluey substance".
     Damn, reality can be dull sometimes ...

Carnivorous plant eating a fly - by using mucilage!  Okay, reality, you can take your coat off.

Conrad Predicts Correctly -

Traffic On Christmas Day Not Quite Overwhelming
     Still I am flattered that 0.0135 people didn't have anything better to do except read this scribe's parlous mutterings rendered in print.
     Don't forget, you are now spared vapourisation by petawatt laser cannon when my invasion fleet arrives.  At first.  After that, you'll have to work at it.

Our very good friends the Daleks.  Who are amateurs at interstellar invasion by comparison (neh-neh ne-neh-neh!)

Friday At My Mysterious And Still Un-named Employer

Nope!  Not employed by them.  Try harder!

    
  I wonder, given the holiday season, will the ganterpies at work still expect cakey wonderfulness delivered unto them tomorrow when Conrad returns to the office?  Not only that, will they even want a combination of cake/biscuit/muffin after gorging on endless sweet stuff since the beginning of the week?
     There are the remnants from Cake Day, of course, which are a little dry now after being baked on the 21st.  Would these be enough?  Questions questions!

Close-up of a chocolate brownie from Cake Day

 I did make some Christmas-pudding-chocolate truffles, but they are very sticky and I don't think I can really dish these out and demand money for them.  Oh my.  That means Sally and I will have to eat them.  A trauma to look forward to, eh?

 Maybe The Ice-Cream?
     There is still plenty of Pecan & Pistachio, Baileys & Malteser and Raspberry & Yoghurt left.  Perhaps a selection of these would suit.  Plus if they melt quickly it will confirm Conrad's opinion about the sub-tropical heat on our floor.

Stock Library Generic Ice-Cream Photo

World Energy Crisis Solved!
     That is, once we've defeated the Zombie Apocalypse.  You take any remaining zombies and get rid of everything between the head and the legs.  Then you dangle some raw brains in front of the undead eyes, and Hey Pesto!  those legs will move like mayhem.  All you need to do is rivet the pelvis to a crossbar, put a treadle under the feet and you have a power source that will work 24/7 without needing to eat, sleep, drink, go to the bathroom, watch television or play games on a mobile.


United Utilities next big thing in training

M83
     Good stuff!

Low Traffic Today?

But Of Course - It's Christmas Day!
     The world has better things to do than read Conrad's somewhat obtuse and idiosyncratic blog.
     Don't forget, though, when that invasion fleet arrives, readers of this blog get a Stay-Alive-For-The-Meantime pass.

Following The Christmas Theme -
     One of my presents today was a 1950 edition of "Biggles Sweeps The Desert".  Don't laugh!  Biggles is one of my childhood heroes.  I've read a ton of novels about him but not this one.
    

Here it is, in all it's 60 year old glory

 Flicking idly through it, what did Conrad discover?  The following:

 

That's the author's signature there.

That couldn't really be a genuine signed letter, could it?  No.  No, of course not.  Otherwise the book would have sold for £50, not £5. Or could it?

Conrad.  Laughing All The Way
     As festive as I get.

As laughy as I get, too.

This posting photos instead of long text articles is easy!  Let us continue!

Red, White And Green
     I have made up some very sticky Christmas-pudding-and-chocolate truffles.  Next step is to pour white chocolate on top of them, then add a bit of red and white decoration to mimic holly.  The recipe calls for angelica or green glace cherries, neither of which I have, so I decided to pick out the green vermicelli from the green, red and white assortment hiding in a Christmas cake decorating tub.

Twenty minutes well spent!

Lastly
     The guard hog and hard hog have Christmas off, so BOOJUM! mansions are only protected (in terms of live bodies) by the cyborg laser-eye cats.  Who have been given lead-and-boron shielding to lie on, because the only spare space in the Dangerous Kitchen over Christmas is atop the atomic pile.

Fortunately Conrad was wearing his Hazmat suit to take this photo -

 - because, dammit, getting lasered in the face can really smart.

Merry Christmas, Humans!

Enjoy It - While You Can ...
     Best wishes to all Hom. Sap. reading this.  Make the most of Christmas 2013 because that invasion fleet is on the way - they finished their rest-stop at Alpha Centauri yesterday and are now on the move.  Lazy buggers, a three-month stopover "to retune the FTL drives" - more likely a binge in the fleshpots of AC Prime.

"Knock Knock"  "Who's there?" "A GIANT ALIEN INVASION FLEET!"  - hilarious, eh?

Today Conrad Defeated The Evil Sofa-Bed
     It was a mighty struggle, but mutually-opposed digits and metal tools prevailed over wood and staples.

Where the vile monster nested, now mercifully Hydabed free

I know, I know, I should have taken a "Before" photo.  Just hang on -

Rather like this, in green

Here's your "After" photo:

The monster's gutted carcass

Conrad 1 Sofabed 0


An Aside
     More correctly, an inside.  Cast your glazzies over this:

No it's not a chamber-pot

There you go, a virtual fire in a real fireplace.  It does really help the living room look extra-specially cosy.

And Finally -
     Ahead of the Doctor Who special tomorrow, some clever Scots have come up with an underlying face for the Doctor, a facial base that every other regeneration is a palimpsest* of.  More details at Auntie:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-north-east-orkney-shetland-25466389

Now I have to go drink mulled wine and watch that virtual fire.

* Yes it's a real word and no!  I shan't explain it.  Maybe tomorrow.

Congratulations!

Remember Goldfinger?
     "No, Mister Bond, I expect you to die!" as spoken by Auric Goldfinger.  Imagine the opposite of that.
     Remember "Phoenix Nights", when Dave Spikey's character dances across Chorley because his biopsy came back negative?  Imagine that also.

     A touch of that today, gentle reader.  Conrad sat on his glasses and broke them - a natural conclusion given his size and weight - and thus had to venture forth to Specsavers, where he needed to undergo an eye test.
     Splendid.  No trace of diabetes, glaucoma, high blood pressure or "floaters". 
     Glasses still a bit crap, though.

Multiply x2 for full effect.

OWWWW!
     Today Conrad was tidying his Upstair Lair, looking to render it affable for the Gas-Pipe Engineer* who will be coming to fix leaking pipes later this year, before this year becomes 2014.  Later on he feels that there are small stones in his sock - takes it off, shakes it, moves on.  Still later he feels the return of small stones - are they fans of mine? - and takes off Crock to shake it out.  Yet later still the annoying, irritating feeling returns and Conrad wonders about soles and feet and spikes and -

That yellow dot is the bottom of a drawing pin

There you go. That's Mike Lloyd's "The London Scottish In The Great War" next to it, if you care to know.

LIghts!  Action! Music!
     Just to ensure you regard BOOJUM! with artistic awe, I am currently listening to Andraas Schiff playing the first four of Beethoven's piano sonatas - with Mssr Schiff's commentary about each sonata.  This is culture with a capital "C", six miles high.
     After that, we will be moving on to "The Raid" - an Indonesian film about police  SWAT teams attacking a hi-rise filled with armed villains.  Rather less elevated.
     After that, we will be moving on to "Revelations", a first draft manuscript by - oh! by Conrad.  What a surprise!

Conrad's fan base.

Righto, time to go.  That zombie novel - ah but you already knew!

*Potential name for our Darling Daughter prior to birth.









    
    

Cake Day at BOOJUM! Mansions

Yes Indeed
     Today we welcomed a score of visitors to our rambling pile, and none of them were bothered even a little bit by the minefields, because they'd been de-activated*.
     What we had to offer:

Calligraphic splendour provided by Darling Daughter

And this is what was left:

Shocking!

This is also a little misleading, since I made another batch of brownies today.  There's also less ice-cream around today than yesterday but I can't be bothered to go down to the Non-Dangerous Kitchen's freezer to take pictures.
     So, Wonder Wifey's <cough-cough>th birthday went splendidly.

Conrad's electronic scales: the unsung hero

This little chap is extremely useful, so much so I wonder how I managed before getting him.  You can tare a container and then <Mr Hand intervenes to point out this is boring and to move on>

So - Tanks?
     Once again, kind of.

The PzKw IV MT.  Or, Panzerkampfwagen IV Munitionstrager.  Hence the abbreviation.

This is the Pzkw IV Munitionstrager, a tank chassis adapted to carry ammunition, specifically shells for the monster Karl Gerat.  Yes, a gun so big you need tanks to carry the ammo for it!

Behold the Monster Cthulhu!  Evilness Made Concrete! Pant-wettingly Terrifying!
     Once again, kind of.

But - but - he's so eeevil!  Look at those cowering humans!

 That whining noise you can hear is H P Lovecraft spinning in his grave at 1,200 r.p.m.

   - And Finally,  A Puppy
     Again, kind of.

Obviously a Hell's Angel-junkie-psycho-puppy.  Duh!

* Note only for today, Terminators.