Of CANOE And BONEWIT

Don't Worry, It Will All Make Sense

Unless it doesn't, but it will make a splendid mental exercise until then.  Today's Intro - possibly the whole blog as I took nearly 2 sides of A4 notes - comes from Youtube's 'Ripe' channel and it concerns TREE LAW!  Yes, that old favourite which proves messing about with mature trees can be a very expensive business.  Art!

     Today's tale is told by CAbin Narrating Owning Explicator, CANOE hereafter.  He owned a small cabin on a steeply sloping lot, above the shoreline of the local lake.  The upper bound of his property was delineated by a row of tall pine trees, that also blocked the next house up's view of the lake.  The pines and their root structure, as well as associated shrubbery, were instrumental in preventing soil erosion.  The County - never named by CANOE - also had very strict rules concerning shoreline trees, which could be trimmed but absolutely 110% NOT cut down.  Art!

     Being cautious and prone to documentation, CANOE hired an arborist to assess the pines and was also visited by County Conservation to update their information.  There were three conclusions:

1. The trees were healthy
2. They were preventing erosion
3. They were SHORELINE PROTECTED

     There then arrived BOttomhole NEighbour With Intellect Trouble, hereafter BONEWIT, whom had purchased the neigbouring uphill house.  CANOE described him as a 'walking yacht commercial'.  BONEWIT complained about the pines obstructing his view of the lake, repeatedly, banging on about property values.  Art!

BONEWIT's demesne

    CANOE informs the boorish oaf that cutting the pines down is illegal, thanks to their protected shoreline status, which goes into BONEWIT's left ear and comes out of his right ear without connecting to any grey matter en route.

     Then, fatefully, CANOE has to go on a work trip.

     You Can See Where This Is Going Can't You.

     Yes, when CANOE returned, all the pines and the shrubbery at the edge of his lot had been cut down completely.  There were already signs of water erosion on the slope.  BONEWIT had left a gloating letter about what he'd done on CANOE's property, claiming that he'd improved property values on both lots.  Little did he know.  Art!

     CANOE immediately took photographs of the barren lot, then contacted his previous arborist and the County Conservation officials.  When he informed his insurance company they came out with a line that ought to have terrified BONEWIT, had he heard it: "This sounds like a classic Tree Trespass situation."

     When the arborist arrived, he assessed replacement costs and appraised value for the loss, based on 1)  Shade 2) Privacy 3) Erosion control 4) Windbreak 5) Noise reduction 6) Wildlife habitat.

     The County Conservation officials arrived almost before CANOE ended his phone call, and they were verrrrry unhappy with what was a major breach of the law, possibly leading to fines imposed per tree.

     CANOE gets himself a lawyer and BONEWIT is served with a Notice Of Violation, which he came to CANOE's doorstep to complain about.  CANOE recorded the whole convo and played it back to his lawyer, who must have looked like the cat that ate the canary and the cream.  Art!

An amused attorney

     For why?  Because the recorded conversation proves that 1)  BONEWIT admits he cut the trees down 2) He tried to minimise what he'd done  3)  He tried to shift blame for his actions onto CANOE.  I am not a lawyer but I think BONEWIT just dug himself a huge hole with sides too steep to climb.

     This is not his only problem.  O noes.  You see, the County Conservation officials took legal action, imposing a Restoration Order and charging him for erosion control of the site, with deadlines and fines imposed for failure to complete or complete on time - this was time-critical work that needed to be remedied before the next big storm arrived.  Art!

A big storm, arriving

     Thus the County imposed/inflicted/laughed about the following:

1)  A fine for each pine tree removed

2)  Fines for 'understory clearing' - that is, getting rid of all the shrubbery

3) Paying for a 'retaining structure', that is, a wall on CANOE's property

4)  Funding for a multi-year restoration plan.

     Since this was the County prosecution, CANOE didn't get to know exactly how much BONEWIT had to pay out, only that it was a 'five-figure sum'.  So, at least $10,000 and more probably $50,000 given the extent of the damage inflicted.  Art!

 

     Meanwhile, CANOE's legal case forged ahead.  Initially BONEWIT's lawyer tried to offer a trifling amount, until they were made aware of the County Conservation case and the detailed list of offences BONEWIT had committed.  Then they were a lot more compliant.  The list of CANOE's demands included: Full value of the trees, multiplied by three due to 'Timber Trespass' rules; property compensation; erosion costs; legal fees and engineer and restoration charges.

     BONEWIT went from boasting about how he was going to 'fix that cabin guy' to complaining 'you can't deal with corrupt County administration'.  Under advisement, he capitulated and had to pay CANOE $350,000.  

     It was even more painful when BONEWIT saw the new retaining wall and hedge of trees, which was even higher than the old one.  He shouted at CANOE "Is that even legal?" to which the answer was Most Certainly Yes, and thanks for paying for it.

     This is where the story ends, but Conrad cannot help thinking that a humiliated blowhard like BONEWIT, deprived of his lake view, would sell up and leave rather than be faced with the hard physical evidence of CANOE's victory on a daily basis.

     Well, 927 words so not the whole blog but a fair chunk of it.  Next!

More Gentle Shoeing

O how I will miss the big orange toad when he keels over into his Happy Meal, he's a gift for blog content creators.  Let us lead with another unflattering photograph of BOOH.  Art!

     Modelling the 'Human Guppy' look.  Don't forget, a la John Bolton, that this is Dozy Don at his made-up and coiffed best.  Thankfully we don't get to see his hideous turkey-wattle neck contorted into his collar, a sight you can probably not unsee now, and you're welcome.

     I'm adding to this item as I've just seen 'ChrisO_wiki' on Twitter declaring 'Trump's Razor' - "Let me refer you to Trump's Razor: if all else is equal, the stupidest possible explanation is the most likely."

     He's not wrong.

I May Go Into This Further

It's quiet.  Almost too quiet.  Not here in the Allotment Of Eden, with gale-force winds howling like lost souls outside The Mansion.  No, I'm talking about Mordorvia and the internet blackout there.  This has been in force across the nation and the excuses for it have been changing.  Art!

     The blackout in Barad-Duh affects 13 million orcs, and another 5 million in Saint Petersbug.  They have been told that it's due to external factors, then that it was due to security and terrorism issues, but the smart money is now betting that this is a preventative measure to counter a coup attempt by the army.  Wait until Peskov denies this as proof it's happening.

Good News For Skywatchers

 You may recall a good few weeks ago we here at BOOJUM! mentioned the Artemis II manned lunar fly-by mission, which was tentatively given a March launch date, which had to be postponed due to technical problems.  Art!

     There is a recent update to this, as NASA are aiming for a launch date of April 1st NO SNIGGERING AT THE BACK although I note that they used the term 'crewed' as opposed to 'manned' because <shudder> there may be female astronauts aboard.  O the humanity.  Still, nice to see Hom. Sap. going back to the Moon after a 50-year gap.  Weather permitting.

Finally -

Let's finish on a Biercism again.

"Love, n: A temporary insanity curable by marriage."