Allow Me To Disconstrue

Because Booh Booh

     Or similar.  Yes, I realise this is neither English nor Gibberish, but bear with me.  You see, I have been working on an Intro that deals with mechanical metrics and descriptions, and that also includes positively Shakespearean levels of revenge and performance, along with industry-specific utilitarian targets. Art!

Tomato-too-too

       Yeah, take that tomatoes.  In this tale we well be describing Industrial Automotive Narrator, hereafter IAN, whom dealt with - you may be ahead of me here - industrial automation such as conveyor belts, high-speed sorters and autonomous robots, in an hideous combination of electrical engineering, computer coding and mechanical physics.  There is so much here that it will be the whole of today's blog.  Art!

When things were going well

     IAN had been Lead Systems Architect for 6 years in the happy time before Buyout, working at Medium Executable Hub, hereafter MEH, heading a team of 4 junior engineers, whose edict was Solve The Problem Before It Begins.  

      As 90% of these tales begin, this one began when the original owners decided to sell up and retire, and they were acquired by a Hedge Fund.  This means the new owners had 0% knowledge of the industry, but 110% arrogance about running it.  Enter COrporate Stereotype Honcho, hereafter COSH, whom 'spoke exclusively in buzzwords' and had teeth that shone brighter than the sun, and whom was now in charge of IAN.

     If you feel that this is not going to go well, congratulations take a biscuit.

     COSH fired 2 of IAN's team, more to make a statement than out of any utilitarian means, which IAN argued about since it made them reactive to failures, not proactive, nor could you automate maintenance.

     All of which COSH completely ignored, because COSH.  Art!

     Then came the saga of the Programmable Logic Controllers, computer systems that automate mechanical processes, The business already had expensive but very robust versions, and of course - obviously! - COSH took offence at 'expensive' and decided to use much cheaper generic knock-off versions, because it would improve the bottom line in Q3.  IAN provided detailed criticism of this choice and that Q4 would see profits nosedive thanks to machine trouble.

      COSH immediately took umbrage at this and declares IAN a 'mechanic with a keyboard', as if it were a criticism.  IAN's refusal to purchase the dubious PLCs for MEH rendered COSH purple-faced with rage, so he ordered them himself.  Art!

     For 3 months the business had serious issues with time-outs, halts and delays thanks to the dodgy PLCs (see above), so IAN wrote and ran a script on his work laptop that fooled them into continued operation.  

     The vendor for this hardware was being hired by COSH in a not very subtle move to sideline IAN, and you can imagine COSH rubbing his hands and tweaking his moustache ends (if he had a moustache).  IAN was also quiet-quitting, getting fed up of having to work 80 hour weeks to keep the plant going.  Art!

No, it isn't supposed to look like that

     Then came the crash.  The cheap-bottom PLCs suffered melting under factory conditions, causing a crash that stopped the production line completely, for which COSH instantly fired IAN, blaming him for sabotage.  He demanded the latter's badge and laptop, which IAN closed before handing over. 

     Closing the laptop shut it down, so the Python script IAN had cobbled together stopped working, and the HDD encrypted itself.  The vendor who was supposed to replace IAN confessed/admitted/revealed <delete where necessary> that they knew nothing about software or firmware and sat there sucking both thumbs.  

     None of this was IAN's concern, nor was the MEH plant's inability to get the production line up until 4 days later, costing millions in lost production and penalty clauses.  Ooops.  Art!

    A very expensive engineering team was flown in from MEH's original equipment supplier, all the way from Germany.  They spent 2 weeks resolving things and the first item on their menu was binning the low-quality PLCs and buying in the ones that IAN wanted, costs be damned.

     COSH survived by blaming IAN and his 'sabotage' and the Hedge Fund Fools, who knew the price of everything but the value of nothing, believed him.

     FIVE YEARS LATER 

     IAN has moved on to bigger and better things elsewhere with a competitor.  MEH, on the other hand, was doing poorly, and had never fully recovered from Crash Day.  The best staff departed.  The Hedge Fund, having found out that buzzwords do not benefit business, were looking to sell MEH.  IAN's new employer were looking to acquire, and seeing him as a 'poacher turned gamekeeper', they put him in charge of the acquisition.  You may see where this is going.

     ANYWAY one of IAN's findings was that maintenance costs at MEH were high and that staff turnover was also high - usually an indicator of poor management.

     MEH was bought out.

     

     IAN was now Head of the Transition Team.  The first COSH knew of this was at the first TT meeting, where IAN walked in and took lead position at the table.  COSH, looking much older and worn, predictably frothed at IAN until given his business card, which rendered him pale and silent.  Technically IAN was now COSH's boss's boss, thus placing him considerably higher in the pecking order.

     Again, you may see where this is heading.  There is a twist, though.

     IAN went through MEH's metrics.  Art!

     They were not good.  The maintenance budget was up by 200% and uptime (time where the production plant was running) was down by 15%.  There had been a saving of 12% on Capital Expenditure, whoopee! but a 40% increase in Operational Expenditure, oooh downer.  Which, translated, means they were cheaping-out on machinery costs, which was driving up maintenance costs.

     Then comes the vengeance/revenge/justice <delete where necessary>.  COSH is moved from his office to a cubicle, put on a Personal Improvement Plan and given the title "Legacy Support Coordinator".  His brief was to document every single error that had occurred at MEH for the past 5 years, explaining the root cause of same.  IAN knew this was beyond COSH's technical ability because he simply wasn't a 'mechanic with a keyboard'.  

     IAN let him stew for two weeks - closet sadist there! - until tackling him in his cube, where COSH had unsuccessfully been trying to bully junior engineers into doing his analysis.  They universally refused, knowing a broken reed when they saw one.  Art!

Not quite what I was after but I'll let it stand.  No Tazer for you today Art.

     Now, remember that 'vendor' that COSH had been using?  They were called TechSolutions, and were owned by <drum roll> his brother in law.  Can you say CONFLICT OF INTEREST?  As well as FRAUD? because TechSolutions had been overcharging by 40%, and no doubt giving COSH kickbacks as well.  

     This gave IAN a perfect reason/justification/excuse <delete where applicable> to fire COSH 'for cause', meaning he would walk out of MEH with nothing but a cardboard box of desk objects.  

     They later sued TechSolutions for breach of contract and fraud, just to spread the misery around a bit.  

     IAN got MEH back into a viable business again within 6 months.  When another logistics firm asked him for a reference for COSH, who had applied for a position there, his recommendation to 'check his vendor relationships very closely' instantly sank the application.  Ooops!

     There you have it, an epic in 1,214 words.