The Transporter

In Order To Annoy The Orange Land Whale

Donold Judas Trump, to be clear, you might think that this Intro was about the very edification of 'woke', that being a porter who was trans.  Art!

     The comic genius Will Hay, who was also a talented amateur astronomer, and gayer than the entire city of Paris.  Which is not trans, but deserves an honourable mention.

     Nor is this Intro about the incomparable Jason 'The Stath' Statham, a man built to feature in action films, and that finely-focussed film of his, "The Transporter".  Art!

     Not as fun as 'Crank' but a thorough blast nonetheless.  Apparently Donold didn't like it as there was too much talking and the plot was too complex.  

     You can tell that Conrad, BOOJUM! and the entire editorial staff are all wilfully perverse, because if we wanted to entice an audience, we'd have led with The Stath and his picture, which is far more contemporary than a black and white film from the Thirties.  Eighty-eight years ago, egad.

     ANYWAY of course - obviously! - we are actually concentrating on the teleportation stroke matter transmission system from that obscure Sixties sci-fi television series "Star Trek" which was called 'The transporter'.  Art!

     The Transporter was used to teleport (or trans-mat, if you will) a small group of people or artefacts from the 'Enterprise' in orbit to a planetary surface, without having to use either a shuttlecraft or to land the starship itself.  Given that the Enterprise was about the most un-aerodynamic ship in the history of science fiction to date, that option was out of the window right away.  You will note that it did carry a shuttlecraft, for situations where matter transportation was unfeasible or impossible, which shows a fair degree of redundancy planning.  Art!

     

Spoofed endlessly

     The Transporter lent itself to create dramatic tension, especially in it's recovery function where it transported people back to the Enterprise, because there were any number of things that could go wrong - and which frequently did.  Who can forget Captain Kirk about to be annihilated by the Doomsday Machine as he rode a derelict heavy cruiser starship into it's gaping maw?  Art!

Squeaky bum time!

     Definitely one of the best moments in one of the best episodes of "Star Trek", perhaps because it was written by a proper sci-fi author, Norman Spinrad, rather than a studio hack with a typewriter and bottle of bourbon for inspiration.  Art!
     

     This is a collection of short stories that all coalesce around the theme of matter transmission, running the gamut from this technology's inception in the late 20th century to the far distant future, where it's taken for granted as being part of everyday life.  The cover picture is a rather elaborate way of introducing what the stories are about, and the title emphasises that matter transmission means you can walk through a 'doorway' and emerge one step later in a different part of the galaxy.  Conrad distinctly remembers the story "No War, Or Battle's Sound" where the matter transmitter is going to be used by the sinister Edinburghers to become their invasion gateway.  They could send troops, tanks or pre-aimed ICBMs though such a portal, in order to add Earth to their 'Greater Celtic Co-Prosperity Sphere', which is a sly dig at the Japanese of Second Unpleasantness vintage.  Art!

     This is the 1958 iteration of the film, which again deals with matter transmission, this time as carried out by a lone scientist.  He goes through a rather sketchy set of tests on inanimate objects, then small animals, and makes a giant leap of faith that leads him to develop trans-mats big enough to trans-mat a member of Hom. Sap.  Conrad cannot but help feel that this research and development cycle has been speeded up to the point of hazard.

     In what ought to be a patent lesson in laboratory sterility procedures, he manages to transport both himself and a common housefly, resulting in his gaining the head and left arm of a fly.  The fly, which had been minding it's own business up to that point, ends up with the head and left arm of a human.

     Using poetic licence, The Scientist Who Meddled With Subjects Man Was Not Meant To Know (a.k.a. 'Andre') retains his human mind - at least for a while.  He finds himself becoming more fly-ish over time and needs to try and find the fly he swapped body parts with.

     I won't spoil the ending except to say that it's not all happy gambolling lambs and rainbows.  Art!

Buzz buzz a diddly?

     If any of you out there ever invent a matter transmitter, please observe proper clinical standards of cleanliness and sterile lab procedure; Andre mangled his atoms with a fly, just imagine if it had been a spider or woodlouse!  Or a slug.  Or a piece of discarded orange peel.  Or <Cont. Page 94>

"The War Illustrated Edition 201 2nd March 1945"

We can now put up a few photographs of this edition as there's a notable absence of other military matters in today's blog.  So far.  Art!

     The caption to this one states that this infantry section is replacing other front line troops of the 5th Army, which is a tad curious.  The 5th Army, you see, was composed of South Canadians, whereas this infantry section is British (or Commonwealth or Italian Co-Belligerent Forces), who came under the aegis of 8th Army.  It may be that they are working at the junction of both 5th and 8th Armies, or the caption writer made a boo-boo.  If they did then thousands of correspondents will write and educate them.  Art!

     An interesting photo here.  The caption states that these are Italian troops, manning a British 17 pounder anti-tank gun, so they are members of the Italian Co-Belligerent Forces.  These troops were all volunteers, serving alongside the British and equipped by them, hence the British battledress, helmets and honking big anti-tank gun.  They are rarely mentioned in histories of the campaign in Italy but added 200,000 men to the Allied forces in the peninsula.  The only works I remember mentioning them are "Eclipse" by Alan Moorhead and "Monte Cassino" by Professor Caddick-Adams.

I'm Sorry, Who?

Conrad, as you ought to know already, is not much of a one for following celebritutes on social media or in the <ahem> Main Stream Media, so this picture utterly baffled me.  Art!

     The BBC didn't bother to inform us with a surname for 'Sophie', so I have no idea who she is or was.  Royalty?  Actress?  Reality TV?  Lithium wafer battery designer?  Pig breeder?  Who knows.  I know I don't care, not one bit.

     Bah!

I'm Sorry, What?

You ought to have already read Conrad's pontifications about matter transmission and teleportation above.  Whilst I was checking out a website that featured "The Doomsday Machine" what did I come across?  This.  Art!

     Yessssssssss.  Or no.

     'Cosplay' is a portmanteau version of 'Costume Play', which refers to people who dress up in costumes that resemble those of film, television or - especially - manga characters.  This ad seems to be targeting the 'Furries', who dress up as various animals.  I have no idea how this 'tail' is attached AND DON'T WANT TO KNOW as it's probably NSFW.

     I bet Donold would suffer a myocardial infarction were he to be exposed to Furry Cosplay.

Finally -

No Edna, you cannot lick the plate!  The plate, for your information, held half a 'Nduja' pizza, and even though I picked all the jalapenoes off it, it still packed quite a picquant punch.  Despondent Doggo can look as desperate as she wants, there will be no licking of plate.