BOOJUM!: You Think You're Alone?

Conrad Supposes This Depends On How You Define 'Alone'

I do remember a classic Ian Hunter (ex-Mott The Hoople frontman) album back in the prehistoric days of the Seventies, when Conrad was positively plugged into the music scene, titled "You're Never Alone With A Schizophrenic", which was a common conflation of Multiple-Personality Disorder with psychosis at the time. You couldn't get away with a title like that today, because <long vitriolic screed expunged by Mister Hand> did Alec Trench die in vain? Art!

Then there is that plangent line from "Total War" by The Comsat Angels:

"We live together, on our own"

Have you ever seen a failed relationship defined so succinctly?

ANYWAY I thought I'd include a few screenshots from "Trastornado", Xhuzer's Youtube channel that consists of his -phobia animations, and this one is an extended version of the "Evil Giant Santa Robot" original. You know, the one where the robot suddenly turns and catches sight of a small child watching it pass. Then you next see it racing on all fours across the lawn, with malice in mind. Art!

Red for dead

You expect to have it burst in through the windows and <explicit gore-fest redacted by Mister Hand>, but Ol' Xhuz is too canny for that. Our hapless POV observer panics and looks out of the side window as the robot scrabbles in that direction, only to witness -

Nothing

Phew! What a relief, it was all an hideous waking nightmare, with no presence in reality, because Little Miss POV (you can tell it's a young girl by her screaming, gentle reader) is all alone. D'you think? Art!

Not quite alone, as there's a late-night pedestrian striding confidently home along the snowy pavement, which is what people who know call a 'sidewalk'. All is obviously well with the world because HOLY DOG BUNS!

Ol' Xhuz has watched far too many cheap horror films, because what does Little Miss POV do once she sees this hideous assault take place? Why, she hurries to the French windows that give out onto the lawn, hearing the horrid bass tones of Evil Giant Robot Santa as he <yes, edited again, you ghouls says Mister Hand>. Art!

Phew, gone again! Now she's alone, surely?

Hmmmm but hist! what's that she catches in the corner of her eye?

That's where it ends, so use your imagination as to how it finishes.
ANYWAY I think we've thoroughly hammered the concept of 'Alone' into Attention Front And Central, which is where the real Intro begins. Forsooth, I would like to refer back to "The Umbrella Academy" Season One Episode One, and Season Four Episode Last, both linked by song. Art!

The song is "I Think We're Alone Now", being the Tiffany "Two-Hit Wonder" version from the Eighties, a cover of the original from 1967, and Conrad simply cannot resist doing A Little Musical Critique at this point, because I enjoy being a sardonic bottomhole.

"Children, behave"

A sterling instruction to all youths everywhere
That's what they say when we're together

Let me guess - you bring out the worst in each other?
"And watch how you play"

Don't run with scissors.
They don't understand

A metal Frisbee is not a toy!

And so we're running just as fast as we can

Ah yes. Children, capable of as much as four or five miles per hour.
Holding on to one another's hand

"Hand"? Singular? What did I tell you about metal Frisbees!
Trying to get away into the night

No, Art, entirely wrong trope.

"Hello, CPS? I wish to report neglectful parents letting kids out after dark."
And then you put your arms around me

Whilst running at full speed? This will end in tears.
As we tumble to the ground and then you say

"Hello, can I request an ambulance?"

I think we're alone now

Because, in "Into The Night", everyone is DEAD
There doesn't seem to be anyone around

See previous sentence
I think we're alone now

PLEASE CHECK FOR GIANT EVIL SANTA ROBOTS
The beating of our hearts is the only sound

Dog Buns! What remarkable hearing you have!

I rest my horrid humourless case Your Honour. Although you can reserve judgement as there are still more lyrics to mock.

The Toxic Toys Of TERROR TRAUMA! Again

This time with a kinetic ballistic arsenal of spikey doom, also known as 'Lawn Darts'. The concept was quite simple; you set up a target ring on the lawn - you might be ahead of me here - and hurl the huge plastic darts at it, trying to get inside the perimeter. Art!

Once again matey is playing fast and loose with dates, as these ~~ranged melée weapons~~ sorry, children's toys, too much wargaming there, were around from the Seventies and into the mid-Eighties, which is when they were banned.

Yes yes yes, I can hear you whinging about Big Government interfering with innocent kiddies playing, which is rather undercut by the statistics about Lawn Darts. Art!

Over 6,000 people, mostly young children, were treated for injuries caused by Lawn Darts, including fatalities. Not laughing now, are you? They were banned in 1986 and the iterations that abound now are very definitely child-proof and child-safe. Art!

"Toxic" in the title is poetic licence, the only way these things can be toxic is if you set fire to them and hungrily inhale the fumes.

Domestic Doings

Conrad would like to introduce you to one of the un-sung heroes of The Mansion, a trooper that's been going for 21 looooong years of service 24/7/52. Art!

The veteran is now showing distinct signs of wear, with the seals no longer flexible and the fridge section not being as fridgey as it ought to be, not to mention all those shelves set into the door are liable to crack all the way through and collapse.

Our replacement is due Saturday, which means just three short days for Conrad to consume as much of the frozen stuff as possible to - ah - make it easier to store whilst the New Engine Of Chill get down to temperature. Art!

This, gentle reader, is Cornbread, a South Canadian staple I believe, which one eats alongside dishes that contain plenty of liquid for it to soak up. Yes, it's a savoury bake, made with cornmeal, also known as 'Polenta' and I made this bread because I found a couple of packets of Polenta at the back of the cupboard. No idea how long it's been there, probably five years or so. I'll be eating my Sunday Stew with cornbread tomorrow, so if I never post on Thursday you now know why.

When Otters Attack

You'll know about it, as they have quite the nasty nip. Say hello to Hana and Kotaro, two otters kept as pets in Japan, on the "Kotsumet" Youtube channel. Their owner goes to some length to explain that otters are no longer legal to acquire as pets in Japan, and require a great deal of care and attention. Art!