King Charles

Don't Complain, I Didn't Say Which King Charles, Did I?

The Charles', as kings, were not over-blessed with luck, it has to be said.  Charles the First managed to offend and antagonise Parliament at every turn, so much so that he got rid of it for a time.  Then he realised he needed Parliament to raise money, and brought it back, which is not a winning strategy.  He also believed in the 'Divine Right Of Kings', meaning that he was the Lord's Appointed and that everyone had to bow and scrape to him, because.  Art!

The Battle of Edgehill

     Chuck One finally went and did it, raising his banner to acquire an army, except nobody had thought to bring a spade or shovel and a hole to place the pole in needed to be dug out with daggers.  The real power behind the Royalist Army was Prince Rupert, who had seen action whilst on the Continent, because Chas had negligible military talent.

     Following the outbreak of war, Charley managed the worst of all possible outcomes at the first major battle, at Edgehill: a draw.  Either defeat or victory could have seen an end to the Civil War right then, but no; a draw meant the whole messy business would continue.  Things rumbled gorily along, the Royalists getting sufficient success to manage until 1645 and the battle of Naseby, where they were crushed.  Chuck abandoned his capital, Oxford, and headed north, surrendering to the Scots.  Art!

Chuck out of luck

     Charley boy was then imprisoned, but could not resist meddling in politics and apparently thought his neck was proof against cold hard steel.  He tried to get the Scots to back him and invade England - the Scottish army responded well to the chink of gold coin - which never happened.  His captors eventually caught on to his mischief and, having had enough of him and with proof of his interference, they had him executed in 1649.  Not an auspicious ending!

     The Charles Story doesn't end there, however, since there was a son, Charles II, waiting in the wings.  He had left England and settled in Holland in 1648, having seen which was the wind was blowing.  Art!

Young Charlie

     He didn't dare to return to England, so he negotiated with the Scots (them again!) to accept him as their king.  In return he would force Presbytarianism on the whole kingdom, which was a non-negotiable term the Scottish Covenanters would not budge from.  This would have been hideously unpopular with the English and he knew it, but probably thought he could fudge it a bit.

     So!  Chas The Second landed in Scotland in 1651 and immediately earned that kingdom an invasion by the New Model Army.  Well done, Chuck.  As a desperate countermeasure, Chas and a Scottish army invaded England down the west coast route.  They were met at Worcester (pronounced "Wooster" for our South Canadian friends) and their army was utterly routed.  Chuck himself had to flee for his life, and once again went back to the Continent.  Art!

"I am advancing to the rear, NOT retreating."

     He had to wait another 8 years before the Commonwealth fell and he got invited back to England, the poor thing.

     Chuck The Third had to wait for Queenie to pop her clogs, and she was determined to live as long as possible, so he's now seventy-odd, even older than Conrad.  What mischief is he going to get up to?

" - consequently, a state of war now exists between Great Britain and Mexico ..."

Thereby Hangs A 9mm Hollow-Point Round

For Lo! these many long decades, Conrad has been aware of the existence of military ammunition going by the name "Parabellum", that being a 9 x 19mm round as invented by one Georg Luger.  Yes, that Luger.  Art!

     Conrad didn't realise that the name comes from the motto of Deutsche Waffen Und Munitionfabriken: "si vis pacem, para bellum", which Latin <hack spit> means "He who wants peace, should prepare for war".

Well - THAT Escalated Quickly

Conrad makes a habit of reading the Comments under the Youtube tales of Malicious Compliance and Pro-Revenge, as some of the stories told there are just as entertaining as the vlog entry.

     Thus it was with Tony.  He was working in retail whilst looking out for a proper job, in order to pay the bills.  Well, he found the proper job and notified his supervisor, giving her his two week's notice.  Then the fun began.

     His supervisor hated him.  Hated hated hated.  So, she then scheduled him for 16 hour days, every day, for the next fortnight.

     Clever Tony - he photocopied the schedule, contacted a lawyer and then went to see the Head Manager to explain why he was getting 144 hours of overtime pay.  The HM, when he picked his jaw up from where it had been resting on the floor, shouted for the Evil Supervisor to get into his office NOW! where she was fired on the spot for putting the business at legal peril, despite her grovelling and blubbering*.  Art!

     

     Foolishly, she slapped Tony in a fit of anger, blaming him for her own stupidity and petty vindictiveness.

     Fast forward to the court date, where the HM brought along the office CCTV film of ES hitting Tony.  She got a suspended sentence.  So, in addition to being fired, she was now unemployable.  Plus, her husband divorced her as this was the last straw.  O, and she lost custody of her child.  

     

"The Sea Of Sand"

The Doctor is faced with attack from one of the few bio-vores who have chosen to remain at Makin Al-Jinni.

Perhaps it escaped his attention that the small alien survived through it’s own wits, not only the failings of others. 

          When Kaybol darted out his proboscis, threatening Thedoctor with slow death, the small alien held up a network of fibres strung between it’s hands, catching the detachment leader’s proboscis and trapping it between the strands.  ‘Cat’s Cradle!’ chortled the small alien.  With a wrench, Kaybol dragged himself free from the trap, only to find it bound tightly around his proboscis, making his eyes water with the pain.

          By the time he dragged the fibres free, Thedoctor was gone.  Two more bio-vores came up to assist their leader, as he thought, gesturing towards the vanished alien.

          ‘We must pursue!’ he began.  Began, and ended.

          Instead of helping, the two Sub-Senior’s Eviscerated Kaybol, who they felt had failed.  Besides, they were hungry.

 

Darting away from Kaybol, the Doctor merely rounded the end wall of the small science building and circled it, aiming to get back to where he came from.  He witnessed the end of Kaybol, without regret, and made his way back into the nearest science building.  The paucity of bio-vores meant this was fairly easy.

          Worryingly, the various life-scanners, display screens and information panels within the building were set by default on the Mediterranean coastline.

          Oh, my, thought the Doctor to himself.  The Mediterranean: a littoral zone with a desert hinterland – much like Homeworld.  Just what these aliens would be familiar with.

     Ooops.  Hurry up and save the day, Doctor!

Finally -

The weather's looking good, I think this afternoon's constitutional into Lesser Sodom is a go.  I need to get a couple of bit and pieces for tomorrow's Mushroom Risotto.

*  Tony doesn't state which country this event takes place in, but I doubt it's South Canada.  They treat employees like indentured servants.