Hmmm Sounds Like The Beginning Of A Poem
Of course, with Conrad's relentless literalism, what use would be a candle that burned dimly?
The subject of candles is on my mind because I've just lit the one that Wonder Wifey gifted to me as it helps to make my Sekrit Layr smell nicer. I take this on trust as I have no sense of smell to begin with. Of course - obviously! - Your Humble Scribe cannot leave it there, and my mind immediately jumped to the old saw "Burning the candle at both ends". Art!
George Washington
Because I felt like it and DON'T MENTION 'DAY OF THE TENTACLE'.
Where were we? O yes. The phrase apparently means to exhaust oneself by getting up early and staying up late, which is surely how everyone operates? No? It's just me? <mutters darkly>.
Well yes. Except we couldn't possibly leave it there, could we, because - see opening paragraph - Conrad and his literalism. Burning a candle at both ends, right. Okay, for practical reasons it would need to be horizontal or the wick at the bottom would be snuffed out. Art!
BAD IDEA. If there is a disparity between the rate of burn between either side, you risk a candle-collapse, and we're talking naked flames here, folks, not things you want to take chances with. No, what you need is more along the lines of - Art?
GOOD IDEA BAD IMPLEMENTATION. This horizontal candle needs to be resting on a non-flammable base with a rim to ensure melted wax does not get everywhere.
"To what end?" I hear you chortle to yourself. Because you get twice as much illumination as a single-wick candle, though of course it lasts half as long. Yes yes yes you could just use two vertical candles, but since when did that allow Conrad to display his relentless literalism?
Please note that "Kandalaksha" on the Kola Peninsula is nothing to do with candles, the name is derived from "Kandaly" which is Ruffian for "Fetters". Art!
A town established by former and escaped convicts <bites tongue REALLY HARD>.
One Feels For Eels
No, not the fish - which tastes rather like chicken, if with more fine bones - but rather the rock band, whom I am not going to backdate as both of us would be horrified. Your Humble Scribe was listening to one of their songs earlier today, and it took a bit of Google-fu to discover what the track title was. "Whatever Happened To Roy Wong"? "Whatever Happened to Soy Gong"?
"Whatever Happened To Soy Bomb". Art!
Mister E has described making this double-album in a fit of prolonged creativity, then being worried as Kreplach! that he'd been horribly self-indulgent and the studio wouldn't be interested. Happily there were.
ANYWAY a bit of digging ensued by Your Humble Scribe, and he discovered that "Soy Bomb" refers to an - ahem - 'performance artist' who had his fifteen seconds of fame as he gyrated alongside Bob Dylan at a performance by the latter. Art!
He wasn't supposed to be there and security eventually wrangled him offstage. He was interviewed afterwards and his responses sound as if he was off his box on something not legal DRUGS R BAD OKAY as they made no sense whatsoever. Well, he should be fine, Eels did a song about him, that's a measure of immortality by any standard.
Sporting Goods
Hmmmm currently the old i-pod is playing a song by Athlete. Did they ever formally break up? Last I checked the answer was a qualified 'no'. Let me check - hmmm yeah but they haven't done anything together for the past 10 years. Art!
You cannot deny that's an impressive album cover.
I Know You Cannot Wait
So here's the next instalment of "The Sea Of Sand", because Conrad is well aware of how desperately keen you are to know how Sarah Jane avoids death.
Then she heard firing suddenly flare up a couple of
hundred yards away to the north. There
were more machines lurking among the pyramids of supplies, hunting humans.
They had to be using a shared intelligence network,
so that information acquired by one was passed to all. How to disrupt that! wondered the Doctor.
Slowly, with a crewmember peering cautiously over
the turret rim, the Marmon-Herrington armoured car crept around a pile of
wooden crates. The Doctor followed the
car, careful to keep well to the rear, out of the reach of any lethal arms. He cocked an inquisitive eye at the wooden
crates, came to a decision and clambered up them. From the top he spied the glassy black
intruder, quarter of a mile away, moving stealthily between cover. Cover arranged like a chess board –
An idea sprang into his mind and the Doctor jumped
down onto the rear deck of the Marmon Herrington, nearly killing the crew with
fright.
‘You need to hold your position here, and aim that
Boyes rifle directly north along the open lane between all these supplies. I’m going to arrange a little beating party!’
he explained, beaming with the enthusiasm of either a genius or a madman.
"Beating", I hasten to add, is what happens when a band of minions 'beat' the heather in front of them, in order to scare and move game birds into the line of fire of Hom. Sap. armed with shotguns.
Proof! Proof I Tell You
Conrad has been seeing peculiar posters on buses as they pass by, though he is too aged and decrepit to have the reflexes to catch any images on camera <sad face> yeah old age and gin will catch up with you eventually.
However, the contents of a shop's wine racks do not move across your field of vision at thirty five miles per hour*. Art!
"Jam Shed"? What on earth? This title sounds more like a BBC radio program from the Seventies that was broadcast on Saturday afternoon with Whispering Bob Harris as the disk jockey. Jam Shed? What, are they going for the youth audience? Or is this a colossal pun wherein the jam was gotten rid of - 'shed' - so that O I dunno, the pistachio harvest of Novi Pazar could bring about world peace? Or do they keep all their conserves in a small wooden utility structure?
BAH!
Finally -
Just so we're clear, Conrad is on the wretched ten-till-six shift this week - I say 'this week' when I'm actually typing it the day before so it might be 'next week' when it gets published the day before the week before - do you see what The Doctor's companions have to put up with? - which is only made bearable by the fact that I'm working from home and one second after finishing I shall be in the hallowed environs of the Sekrit Layr, instead of having a two-hour journey home on Worst Bus.
We are also inching closer to R Day, when all of us in HR at Sainsbo's get made redundant. Since this means free time to read books, drink tea and do crosswords, no problem from Your Modest Artisan.
* Yes, First Bus drivers break the speed limit.
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