Wouldn't It Be Cool -

If -

There were mutant hedgehogs whose spines had been replaced by lasing rods, and they could selectively blast anything into ash, yeah even unto out to the curve of the horizon.  Conrad has no artistic skills whatsoever, and can only Google for such a thing - I am VERY doubtful any image even remotely associated with this concept will come up - however I can but try.  Art!

All hail our laser-bristled overlords!

     Annnnnnnd nothing.  Hardly surprising, Conrad's imagination and reality are frequently in opposition.  I've just asked Darling Daughter if she'll mind creating an artwork for this.  You never know, it might rake in millions as an NFT*.

     ANYWAY this did rather cause Your Humble Scribe to recollect all those times when the humble hedgehog has been seen as a cause of sinister thrills, spills and krills**.  Art!

Erm yeah.  I mean no.

     Honestly I have no idea, I began Googling with 'Giant Hedgehog' and this is what came up.  Either this is a hedgehog with horribly human legs, or it's a were-hedgehog six feet tall eating a stick of rock.  STOP EATING ROCK IN FRONT OF THE DIABETIC!

     <ahem>  Sorry, where were we?  O yes.

Everything to scale

     I think we've covered this story before.  It's a post-apocalyptic tale set in 2050 or so where animals and plants have grown to enormous size, which of course means that Hom. Sap. has been wiped out, apart from the last six hundred people who live on the island of Portland.  Hmmmm Conrad doesn't see much of a future for them - 600 people can easily be thinned out or wiped out by disease or famine, or Giant Hedgehog Attack.  I wonder how it ended?  Art!

     Then there was this advert for fermented apple drink, featuring a subtle discolation of the norm (Was Not Was in-joke for you there) where a giant hedgehog goes around crushing cars.  Ah yes, I'm sure entire hospital wards laughed like drains at that one

     ANYWAY can I find the one Giant Hedgehog Attack I wanted?  NO I CANNOT!  It was a comic strip in the 'Victor' or 'Hornet' or one of those comics that catered to bloodthirsty pre-pubescent boys, about a hedgehog Mysteriously Rendered Enormous, which of course made it violently homicidal because that's what all biologists agree will happen when you get Mysteriously Enormous.

     Let me see if Conrad ever tracked it down over the ages.

     <long pause>

     Nope.

     There's a couple of frames I still remember - mind like a skip, remember - about a meeting where one consulting member recommends that they get a crocodile to deal with the Mysteriously Rendered Enormous hedgehog.  "Good idea!" responds another member.  "I'll call the zoo!"

     Erm no.  That's not how crocodiles work.  The suggesting member clarifies that what they meant was a CHURCHILL Crocodile, that flamethrower TANK of the Second Unpleasantness.  

     Hopefully this has painted enough of a word picture for you to recreate in your mind.  Art!

     

     Then there's this annoying bumbletuck, who confounded every single Google search I carried out.  I mean, Dog Buns!  Whoever saw a hedgehog with a giant fluffy tail?  Why is it blue - did it fall into a tin of paint?  And there's a reason hedgehogs get run over - they are SLOW.  As in NOT SPEEDY.  Also SEDATE.  

     <Froths in rage for a few minutes longer>

Conrad Is SEETHING!

Seething with tea and toast, and also blind incoherent rage at the Codeword compilers of the world, and I can really let rip today as I am armed with my Notebook.

"RHOMBUS": You can picture the super-heated steam venting from my ears at many times the speed of sound at this one.  You see, any letter coming after an "R" ought to be a vowel or "Y" - except Your Humble Scribe is also gifted at RHETORIC and has tried his hand at RHABDOMANCY and is fond of grilled RHEA steaks - you get the drift.  Art!

     For your information, it's a quadrilateral 2D shape with sides of equal length.

"INEBRIANT": Never heard of this one.  It has to mean beer, right?  WHY CAN'T THEY JUST SAY "BEER"?  Is that so hard?  No it isn't, and it takes up less room on the page.  Unless - are they talking about designer drugs?  Art!

Nah.  Beer it is.

"EMBLAZON": WHAT ARE WE ALL HERALDIC SCHOLARS NOW! This word would only ever get used by people looking up family crests and similar, and it probably occurs in "The White Company" or "Sir Nigel" because they talk about fesses and gules rampant.  How obscure and obsolete can you get?  Kreplach!

It's Time To Wheel On "The Sea Of Sand"

Yes yes yes, we finally get to meet The Doctor and Sarah, HAPPY NOW?

3)  Sundry Diversions

 Sarah could tell the Doctor was annoyed without even looking at him.  His insistent stamp across the TARDIS floor, around the time rotor console, and the rustling of his scarf while it was being thrown dramatically over a shoulder, all conveyed the sense of annoyance.  

I know what he’s doing, she realised.  Waiting for me to ask why he’s annoyed.  Well, he can wait!  If he won’t tell me what’s wrong in the first place, I am not going to rush in where angels fear to tread.

The Doctor paced a little longer, until his patience ran out and he stopped to look fiercely at Sarah Jane, who was busily writing up hastily-made notes into a coherent outline. 

‘Outrageous!’ he snapped.  ‘Absolutely outrageous!’

Sarah stopped scribbling with her biro and looked up.

‘I don’t think so,’ she replied, deliberately misinterpreting the Time Lord’s comment.  ‘With D-Notice Committee approval these memoirs might well see the light of day.  A little edited, of course.’

The Doctor frowned deeply, aware that Sarah was teasing him.

‘That’s not what I meant.’

The young journalist’s eyes twinkled.

‘I know.  Look, Doctor, whatever’s sent you into a brown study – well, you won’t tell me about it or discuss it, so I take refuge in my work, for what it’s worth.’

Not very long today as the Intro was excessively long.  Who knew killer hedgehogs was such a hot topic?

Well Well What The Kreplach?

Conrad, as he is wont to do, suddenly bethought himself of a random word.

     "Sarmatia". 

     Something to do with the Ancient Greeks and/or Romans?  Well I Googled for an image and guess what?

     Not what I was expecting.  As you can see, they were around for a good 700 years, settling in what we now know as Ukraine with a few outlying areas.  Eventually their Iranian heritage was subsumed as they were assimilated into the Slav populations of these lands.  You can find a few very distant relatives in Ossetia.

Finally -

Conrad has been binge-watching "Titans" since the weekend, and was surprised how dark it can be, as well as having swearing.  Not enough to make you feel jaded, just sufficient to allow the Rude Words to have an impact.  Remember, he who defends everything defends nothing, and he who swears with every second word lacks any impact.  Art!

Tons of Titans

     Their soundtrack is good, too.  Why, at the end of Episode 1 of Season 2, I heard a track I liked and hunted it down.  It was by an artist called Kishi Bashi, whom was new to me, although having been forewarned I shall keep an eye on him in the future.  I bet that gives him a warm fuzzy glow.  Or could that be the plutonium?

     

     Don't worry, still thinking up nicknames for Putin On The Fritz.  Ha!  I bet that's got him worried.

*  Conrad not quite sure what these are, but they generate book and food tokens.

**  Hey, there may be amphibious ocean-harvesting hedgehogs out there.  Yes yes yes, just not in this reality.