Is Conrad Angry?

What Do You Think?

Is water wet?  Is there a supermassive black hole at the centre of our galaxy?  Can Sprong be used for domestic and light industrial applications?  Are my thunderbolts still out for Russell Brand and Alan Carr?

     The answer that you're stumbling towards is YES.  

     Okay, now all we need for this Intro is a click-baity picture, so if Art will put down his bowl of coke and coal -

     Hmmmmm I get the strong impression that 'Mallory Storm' is a pseudonym, probably disguising one of this publication's staff writers.  Also, Conrad knows you're going to ask questions about that tagline along the bottom.  Well, a good five minutes on Google revealed only that yes, Mallory Storm was a pseudonym, for one Paul Fairman.  As for the plot of "Miracle At The County" - that remains to be seen, I cannot elicit any information.  However, one can reasonably speculate that those sinister hook-handed shadowy figures are the 'Walking dead' although 'Shambling dead' seems a closer description.  As to why an attractive young lady is hiding in a mine whilst only wearing a leotard and heels - nope, stumped on that one, too.

     ANYWAY allow me to elucidate on my anger.  Yes yes yes, Codeword solutions again, there are eternal constants in this Universe and Conrad's unfettered fury at Codeword solutions is one of those.  Get used to it.

"GYMKHANA": Go on, how many of you have ever heard of this word before?  It's the sort of word that crops up in novels for young adults about girls at boarding school getting up to japes and jollity.  That stopped being written in the Sixties.  Let me consult my Collins Concise: "An event in which horses and riders display skill and aptitude in various races and contests."  And do you know what?  It comes from the HINDI NOT LATIN <hack spit> OR GREEK <hack hack spit spit> which is a turn up for the books.  'Gend-khana' meaning 'ball-house'.

     BUT STILL!

Horses on courses

"CONDIGN":  Conrad, thanks to having a memory like a skip (cubic capacity 1,884 miles³) recalls a quote from the BBC's premier dramamentary 'Doctor Who', where Vira, Chief Med-Tec (a sawbones to you) of the Ark, mentions that only Noah has the ability 'to take condign action'.  So I knew this word, it's just not fair on the rest of you benighted heathens.  It means 'Fittingly deserved, especially of a punishment'.  Art!

Vira and Noah (pre-metamorphosis)

"OSCULUM":  WHAT, ARE WE ALL MARINE BIOLOGISTS NOW?!  <seethes noisily>.  "An aperture in a sponge from which water is expelled".  How obtuse and obscure can you get!  Art!

I have no words

     Except to say that's this Intro over and done with.

And Now  Back To Badly Drawn Boy

I didn't realise how many lyrics there were to this song, so we've come back to finish it off <sniggers at double-entendre>.  

We made something out of nothing

Well done! See, you can do it if you put an effort in.

Whatever it is.

A sense of loathing and belonging

Yes. This comes of too much gin. Trust me on this.

Some of us were gonna be rich

With the Iron Lady

Lennon's gone already

He certainly has!

Let's post the boys to war

Oh mother, what're you worrying for

It's somewhere he's not been before

An editor waited all his life to use that title

Then you see the Union Jack

And it means nothing

HOW DARE YOU DISRESPECT THE FLAG!

AND STAND UP FOR THE QUEEN!

But somehow you know

That you will find your own way

It's a small reminder every day

That I was born in the U.K.

This Sceptred Isle

     Phew, glad we've got that out of the way.  Next time I'm going to do Pink Floyd's "One Of These Days".

     Here an aside.  Our Ruffian readership has swelled to 76.  Greetings, valiant Ruffians, risking exile to Novaya Zemlya in order to catch up on our latest scrivel!

BOOJUM! Reviews Films

In our own inimitable way.  That is, we generalise hugely based on the title alone, and don't care if it's accurate or not.  If you want a proper film review, go read anything by Mark Kermode (big Comsat Angels fan you know).

"The Northman":  That doesn't really narrow the plot down, does it?  I imagine 50% of the world's population live in the Northern Hemisphere, and 50% of those will be male.  I know The Critical Drinker recommended it, and he hates everything, so - he's Scottish you know - it's probably a grim moralistic tale of life and death in the Gorbals of Glesgae.  Lots of drinking and fighting, and it will need subtitles for the South Canadian release (and probably the English one, too).  Art!

Conrad hits nail on head

"The Staircase": a.k.a. "Conrad Falls Out Of His Chair With Boredom".  Kreplach!  It's not even a fancy staircase, like a spiral or marble one.  Doubtless the critics will love love love it and rave about the acting and dialogue and plot, and the audiences will stay away in droves, because BORING.

Imagine ninety minutes of this

"Top Gun: Maverick":  You see?  This is where the audience above went.  Conrad still hasn't seen "Top Gun" and doesn't feel any the poorer for it, but I can guess what TGM will have: Tom Cruise - whom you may not be a fan of, but you can't deny this guy brings a 110% work ethic to the job - and big noisy jet fighters going REALLY REALLY FAST.  And a dogfight at the end, except it has to be with a fake opponent because if it was the R<coughcough>s it would be over in thirty seconds scoreline South Canada 5 R<hackhackhack>s 0.

Aaaayyyyy!  Tim 'Tiny' Robbins!

"The Sea Of Sand"

Yes, back to our Doctor Who long-form fan fiction.  Conrad had a few rules when writing these.  1)  Absolutely NO ROMANCE between The Doctor and any female companion, none whatsoever, not in any way, shape or form.  A whole lot of the 'Mary Sue' fan-fictions out there have - well, 'canoodling' going on.  2)  No 'Mary Sue' element whatsoever.  This is where a thinly-disguised version of the author turns up to save the day, rescue the damsel/The Doctor, and all-round be an annoyance.  3)  There may be comic moments but this is SERIOUS DRAMA.  No, we do not do a Harry Potter crossover, or have The Beatles guest-star, or break the fourth wall.  Having said that ...

Ben Cherif paused in passing behind Roger.

          ‘It is this place.  I have seen the lights at night, and heard wind when there is none.  The demons of this place took them,’ and he hawked and spat on the sand, moving on.  Roger looked after him uncertainly.

          Roger and Fulgoni took the dirty plates and cleaned them with sand.

          ‘The Professore is not happy, eh?’ remarked Fulgoni, twitching one shoulder in the direction of the table.  Roger nodded whilst shaking sand off the plates.

          ‘His one intention is to finish this dig and get it published in the journals.  Nothing else matters to him.  Not me, or you, and certainly not the Libyans and Egyptians.’

          Fulgoni made a wry face.

          ‘He has to care now.  With seven labourers gone, we are his labourers.’

They finished abrading dirt off the dishes and replaced them in the box.  Di Fellica came over to point out Roger.

          ‘Doctor Bartolomei asks you to stay and catalogue the  site sketches.’

          The young graduate shrugged.  His turn to avoid heavy work today, which meant he’d be out on the dig tomorrow.  A reasonable assumption, yet completely wrong.

          Ben Cherif and Bourgebus went to the tool tent and emerged, pushing two very battered wheelbarrows, each laden with shovels, picks, balls of string, wooden planks and pegs.  The other members collected cameras, sketch pads, pencils, rulers and other equipment too fragile or valuable to be left in the tool tent.  The motley collection began the trudge across the sand-strewn gravel, heading to where the dunes began.  The dig was another half a kilometre further into the dune sea, a tiring slog in the loose sand.

     Apologies for using Metric <hack spit> but with the Italians and French outnumbering the British it was a fait accomplit.

Finally -

It's not April 1st, is it?  I had to wonder after reading the following on the BBC's News website.  Art!

     You what?

     Don't worry, art lovers.  The picture is protected from physical harm by plate glass.  Waste of a nice cake, mind.