The Biter Bit

Here's An Analogy

NO IT ISN'T RUDE!  WASH OUT YOUR FILTHY MINDS! <pauses to compose self>.  As I am taking pains to avoid mention of Puffy Petrol Pimp and his gimp limp, you can have this Intro instead.

     Recall, if you will, the First Unpleasantness.  It finished over a century ago yet the echoes are still with us.  Originally it had been expected to be over by Christmas - and one wonders how many wars have begun with that strident claim on people's lips - and the Teutons confidently expected to be in Paris dictating terms by Bonfire Night.  Art!

British and Teuton tourists squabble in France

     Sadly not so.  The conflict dragged on into 1915 and April witnessed the Teutons using gas on a large scale at Second Ypres, said gas being chlorine.  Their intent was to break the Allied lines, march on Paris and dictate terms by Easter.  Again, sadly not so.  The Allied lines contracted severely but they didn't break, and Fritz Haber had, literally, let the genie out of the bottle.  Prize-winning Teuton chemist, for your information.  The average Teuton stubble-hopper might have felt ambivalent about Fritzy at the time; this would change, O by Jove would it!

     You see, the prevailing winds on the Western Front blew principally from west to east, on the order of 10:1 versus east to west.  And since gas warfare was conducted using whacking big cylinders of gas, that meant your average Teuton stubble-hopper might very well have a bad hair day to surpass all bad hair days in his near future.  Art!

     Enter the Battle of Loos.  This was a politically-driven attack by the armies of Perfidious Albion, where gas was going to be used to compensate for a lack of artillery and shells.  

      Now, all that most people know about the BoL is that the British gas blew back into the advancing British infantry and caused heavy casualties.  True as far as it goes - in the north of the attack.  However, in the south the gas got into Teuton lines as it was released with the wind behind it - and in darkness, too.  Royal Engineers of the Special Company, detailed to observe gas effects, noted that the Teuton rifle, machine gun and artillery fire immediately went wild and then stopped when the chlorine rolled into their trenches.  The Brits were in possession of the Teuton front line by 07:30.  Art!

Loos.  Definitely a 'fixer-upper'.  "Tower Bridge" (actually pithead gear) in background

     In the centre it was noted that Teuton trenches were empty of either live or dead bodies - they had all bolted rather than face the gas.  Elsewhere gas got into sub-surface bunkers (being heavier-than-air will do that) and forced the occupants out into the open - when they made the acquaintance of British shrapnel shells.

     All told, Teuton anti-gas gear, techniques and practices were poor or inadequate.

     "GAS WARFARE?  GAS WARFARE?  THEY'LL NEVER TRY THAT!" seems to have been the attitude at Teuton headquarters.  "After all, here we are in September 1915 and we began it in April, so nothing can possibly go wrong!"  Hence Teuton gas-masks were rubbish quality and could only be worn for 4 hours before failing.

     By the end of 1915 the average Teuton stubble-hopper was probably beginning to think evil thoughts about Fritz Haber.  I mean, how dare these Allies retaliate with gas when it was us what brung it!  Fighting back?  How dare they!  Art?

     We may come back to this topic, I've got 26 pages of notes I made from a work about the British army on the Western Front and gas warfare*.

Now For Something A Lot More Wholesome

You may recall Conrad putting forth a few pictures from the BBC's pages about unusual bridges of the world, of which there were only six.  Well, whooping Kreplach! do, I found another themed photography page, this on being "On The Water".  Bring up the first picture!

Courtesy Prantik Biswas

     Very atmospheric, nicht wahr?  It's so much easier to manage that in monochrome.  All I can tell you is that this is a surfer, surfing.

"Ticket Of Leave"

A phrase as used by Josephine Tey in "The Man In The Queue" and because Conrad was deliberately making notes about obscure words or phrases he wrote it down.  The novel was written ninety-three years ago so there's a certain amount of slang that needs checking.  What, AND WASH OUT YOUR FILTHY MINDS IN ADVANCE! is a 'Dangler'?  From context one presumes a variety of transport.

     ANYWAY - ToL.  This was a ticket issued to a prisoner released from jail, stating that they had paid their debt to society and were a reformed chap and a thoroughly decent cove.  Art!

     So now we know.

"The Sea Of Sand"

More of my eclectic page-turner - hmmmmm more of a page-scroller I suppose as it's electronic not paper - about the Fourth Doctor and Sarah Jane Smith stuck, TARDISless, in the hostile wastes of North Africa, during wartime.  Please note the Afrika Korps only put a token appearance in at the very end.

‘Well, better get rolling,’ said Roger to himself, liberating a bottle of mineral water from the stores tent.

 

The seven members trudged doggedly into the dunes, leaving the rolling, undulating gravel plain behind them.  Long practice meant the only sound came from the two squeaking wheelbarrows; conversation would be saved for the actual dig itself.

          Fulgoni felt the familiar sinking feeling in his stomach when the massive black pillars appeared over the dunes ahead, a nameless dread he couldn’t explain or rationalise away.  He didn’t believe the missing Egyptians and Libyans had run off; no, their disappearance was directly linked to this dark and sinister place.  The how he couldn’t imagine, but a man didn’t simply run away in the night in this trackless waste, without food or water or shelter.  Unconsciously he crossed himself, only realising what he’d done when the brooding Valette blinked in surprise.  Fulgoni glanced around, to discover that all the other member’s attention lay on the buildings ahead.  The only good thing to say about this place in the armpit of the desert was the total absence of flies, which were usually an annoying and persistent torment for any dig. 

          The group topped a final dune before the excavation, pausing to look over the site.  Once again Fulgoni felt that anticipation of awe and dread, taking in the vista as if for the first time.

     You'll have to wait until tomorrow to see what Makan-al Jinni looks like, matey.

Finally -

Only a short item needed for this bit to hit the Adjusted Compositional Ton.  You remember?  If Your Humble Scribe sticks one of his long-form fictions in then we need to hit 1,200 words.

     Ooooh!  Ooooh!  I got one!  Another insulting nickname for Bloaty Gas Tout.  "The Gremlin In The Kremlin".  O my, what killer satire, that'll have him weeping into his shchi**.  "The Bitter Tears Of Petra Von Kant" have nothing on Dimya's saline oozings.  There's also "Flabby Crabby" because he is, and what is the astrological sign for the crab?   Yeah well tasteless but he O so thoroughly deserves it.

     And now it's time to go make stew!

*  It's either this or the 5,000 word monograph about "Forbidden Planet" and it's effect upon subsequent sci-fi films.  Your choice.

**  Ruffian cabbage soup.