Dies Another Day

NO!  Nothing To Do With James Bond

Definitely not a sequel to "Dye Another Day", an hilarious comedy about a pair of  hairdressers who moonlight as deadly assassins with one being white and the other black and they tour internationally -

     No, hang on, that was "I Spy", wasn't it?  Hang on, hang on -

     <gives Reality a good hard kick>

     So.  I was referring to that James Bond opus "Die Another Day", which I may have seen.  Art!

     Conrad fondly imagines that this is one of the choices that The Grim Reaper gives you when he turns up at your door and raps upon it with his bony knuckles*.  "Hello there!  Your choice - die today or die another day?"

     Trick question.  If you say "Die another day, please!" then he goes back in time one week and offs you then, because he didn't specify if it was DAD in the future or the past, did he?  Foolish mortal.  Art!

Hey what say what?

     ANYWAY of course - obviously! - none of this has anything to do with the real Intro, which has been hiding behind the sofa all this time.

     You see, from the Latin <hack spit> 'Dies' which means "Day", we derive the word "Diary".  Now you see where today's hilariously funny title comes from.  And why are we whanging on about diaries?

     Because Naval and Military Press have facsimile copies of EVERY war diary from the British army of the First Unpleasantness.  Art!

     The small print there is a little hard to resolve at this size, so allow me to point out that they have 3,472 war diaries extant, that one can buy.

     Here an aside.  Many years ago Conrad purchased the rights to the War Diary of 2/2 Battalion the Lancashire Fusiliers, from the Royal Archives, which gave one access for about a fortnight.  This allowed me to print off the entire work using the printers at Connexions - thanks, Connexions! - and assemble it in a ring binder.  Art!

     One of the battalion's officers would have been graced with the title of 'Intelligence Officer' and it was his responsibility to keep the War Diary up to date and accurate, which is why they can vary immensely from battalion to battalion.  The Fusilier's WD has several hundred pages; some unit's WDs total over a thousand.

     Why is this big news?  What makes it important?  Because these are what historians call 'primary documents', the raw data that you can study and create theses and histories from.  You can bet millions to munce that half the military history works gracing the shelves of Waterstones that deal with the First Unpleasantness have several of these as sources.  Art!

The Mansion**

     The other Rate Limiting Factor about these N&MP works is their cost.  The minimum price is £12, and the 1,200 page ones go for £90.  Thus, if we select a guesstimate average of £15, you're looking at a price tag of £52,000, or sufficient for Conrad to need to take out a second and third mortgage.  AND, given that there are over a million pages, I'd need life-extension drugs and/or technology to finish them off before I finish.

     "Another Day"?  Another decade, more like!

Just Imagine

Conrad came across a bonkers idea yesterday, "What if the Borg were British?".  The Borg, I should explain, are a variety of cybernetic drones who live in a controlled hive-mind environment, and who are intent on converting everyone alive into more Borg, because Bjorn.  They originated in "Starry Trek: The Next Iteration" (I think, details a bit vague) and have threatened the Universe at various points since.

     Well, not to be outdone, Your Humble Scribe pondered "What if the Daleks were British?" and how would their catchphrases sound?

DALEK                                        BRITISH

EXTERMINATE!                           Would you really please stop being alive?  

OBEY!                                          We'd really appreciate it if you could see your

                                                   way to be doing as we'd ask.

EXPLAIN!                                   What on Earth/Skaro is going on here?

YOU ARE THE DOCTOR!              I say, you're that chap who travels around in a

                                                   big blue box!

YOU ARE THE ENEMY OF             You know, all things considered, I very much

THE DALEKS!                               doubt that we can be friends.

Daleks busking for charity

     O and I have to confess 'twas me who had that daft idea about the Borg.

Let Us Now Visit The Sands Of North Africa

And "The Sea Of Sand".  Conrad would like to point out that all the kit mentioned in the text is actual wartime issue that was around at the time - bar the alien silicon-dioxide manipulation, of course.  Obviously!

Davey looked at Sarah for confirmation.

‘That’s right,’ she said, not bothering to go into details about exactly what the “transport” amounted to.  ‘An aircraft attacked us.  We were lucky to get away alive.  And that you came along.’

‘Oh, aye,’ replied Davey.  ‘It was your signal we spotted.  The haze stopped us seeing you.  This plane, did it have a blue shield on the side?’

Sarah nodded. 

‘Chevrons, with lions rampant,’ added the Doctor.

Davey swore.

‘Hey, Tam!  That bugger the Count is back again.  These two were shot up by him,’ he shouted to the driver, who merely grunted in reply.

‘I wonder, could you tell me the date?’ asked the Doctor suddenly, in a serious tone.  Davey’s response was to look suspiciously at him, then lean closer to Sarah.

‘Looks like your mate’s got a touch of sunstroke, miss,’ he stage-whispered.  The Doctor favoured him with a radiant smile.

‘How d – oh – er, yes, he does seem a bit, ah, distracted,’ said Sarah, initially indignant and then realising that a heat-stricken Doctor would be much easier to explain away.  She caught her companion’s eye, and noticed a twinkle there; clearly he agreed.

The small truck bowled along across the desert floor, frantically outracing the oncoming storm, both heading for Mersa Martuba.

     Nobody's come back to me about using a realistic vulgarism yesteryon, so this one is gong to stand as well.

Red In Tooth And Claw

No, you bumbletuck: Nature, not the Daleks.  Nature!  And another illustration from that BBC exhibition we've been featuring. Art!

Courtesy Tom Shlesinger

     This is identified as a 'male Atlantic goliath grouper' amidst a lot of other fish.  One presumes it has never been in front of a mirror because this beast got stuck in the Ugly Washing Machine on full two-hour colour cycle.  Is it a vegan?  Because Conrad cannot fathom why it's being mobbed by fish that would make a tasty morsel for it.

Finally -

I have had my Weekly Stew on the go for the past two hours, so - should probably go down and give it a stir.  No particular recipe, except that we've not got any fresh cabbage to add in, so I omitted the sauerkraut.  There is still one portion of the Roadkill Stew left for tomorrow's lunch.

     Hmmm.  That's not a very rock 'n' roll way to end the blog.  What cou -

     AHA!  The end of Season Three of "The Umbrella Academy", is what.  Conrad unsure how they can bring the whole universe back from total destruction, but - he's certain that this has been referred to previously, after some input from Darling Daughter, where the universe has been rebooted five or six times already.  What was the comic/game/television series called?

Superior to the comic, frankly.

     And with that, we are pretty much done.

*  Strangely enough, one never encounters feminists insisting that Death be an equal-gender position.

**  In my mind.