Whisper It Who Dares
If you've been keeping track of this mass of scrivel over the past month or two, then you'll know BOOJUM!'s Ruffian readership can be mercurial, which is a posh way of saying you've got no idea what they're playing at. Sometimes there can be a total readership almost up to South Canadian levels (the South Canadians being exemplars of good taste) and yet on other occasions there are none. One presumes the latter occurs when the FSB makes it's Loyalty Sweeps because, by definition, if you're reading BOOJUM! then you are no fan of Dimya*. Sniggering salaciously at Conrad's satire is probably worth a ten-stretch in the gulags. Art!
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| Welcome back! |
All joking aside, reading what our editorial staff add in "Finally -" would definitely get you a fifteen year sentence because of our promoting 'fake news'. One wonders quite what the FSB would make of "Tormentor" -
YURI: I say, Vanya, what do you make of this narrative?
VANYA: 'Documentary'? O you mean 'Tormentor'. It's not a documentary transcript.
YURI: But the dialogue is so realistic! And the characters are so well drawn!
VANYA <cautiously>: Have you been at the juice already? It's only half nine in the morning!
YURI: That's half an hour later than I - never mind that, what's this about it not being real?
VANYA <rolls eyes>: Look, mate, it's a load of fiction. This degenerate 'Conrad' created it from whole cloth.
YURI: Well I never! Next you'll be telling me that John Carpenter's films aren't actually documentaries.
VANYA: You're beginning to sound like a Conrad sock-puppet ...
YURI: <tears off Yuri mask to reveal the hideous grinning maw of Conrad: SURPRISE!
There you go, Your Humble Scribe just earned himself fifteen years in a Sov - beg pardon, Ruffian gulag. If this evening's blog never arrives you know why.
Welcome back Ruffian readers! Don't tell your friends unless you can trust them!
For some unfathomable reason this blog remains ever-so-popular in South Canada, which is peculiar since Conrad refuses to admit the American Revolutionary War ever took place, nor that the Brits managed to lose it. People are strange.
Proof of last sentence
Just seen a stretch Hummer drive into Tandle Hill Road. Unsure how they're going to turn it around, unless they intend to drive in reverse, Tandle Hill Road ending in a small car park. Which will be rammed as the weather is nice and everyone with the world and his wife have come to kick footballs and let their dogs run free. Yes yes yes, I know we've strayed from the subject matter. Art!
A Ruffian dog. So there.
Conrad: Predictably ANGRY!
I know you wouldn't expect anything less of me. Fortunately for the Codeword compilers of the world my Remote Nuclear Detonator is out of commission, and will be for many days hence. Apparently you're only supposed to use them 'selectively' and not bash them like a one-mole whack-a-mole. Now they tell me. Let the tanting begin.
"SUSHI and HAIKU": Not only did they use two JAPANESE words, they actually intersected. It did give me a quick win, however, so I cannot be too angry. Seven angry's out of ten, I think. It may interest you to know that Conrad first became aware of haikus back in the early Seventies and "The Man From U.N.C.L.E." where Ilya Kuryakin (a friendly Ruffian**!) quoted one about a frog jumping into a pond. It's never left me. Art!
"HERTZ": As in 'Ouch that -' hey nobody said you had to like it. Given Codeword policy, this is not a referral to the car rental people. No, it is a measure of frequency, as in 'Fifteen Gigahertz', which of course - obviously! - Conrad was aware of, and now you are, too. Art!
That's Heinrich. Nothing to do with cars.
"TAPIR": Erm what? Is this a variant on a candle? Actually no, it's a particular type of South American beast, and an odd-looking one at that. Art!
Looks like a cross between an elephant and a hog. Wonder what they taste like when cooked? ANYWAY how dare they use an exotic foreign animal as a Codeword solution!
Thank You Auntie Beeb!
Conrad has found a link to a multitude of different photographic themes under the rubric of the BBC, so believe me you are going to experience them, O yes indeed! Art!
No, children, those are not sweeties. Those are drugs in pill form and we all know that DRUGS ARE BAD. This photo shows one Captain Kearney checking out what these pills are, though he might have been better advised to wear gloves instead of shaking them onto his bare skin.
More Of "Tormentor"
We can't leave the FSB hanging, can we?
The
car park at
‘Spirit interference,’ said
Louis, jerking his head at the flickering yellowish light. ‘Oh – wait a minute. Here, take these.’
He passed Dave two of the silver
balls clinking together in his pocket.
‘Solid silver. They’ll destroy a spirit if they hit it, so
be careful not to hit Yvonne. Where do
we meet to swap over?’
‘The footie pitch. Right in the middle of the park. ****, you look as cool as ice!’
‘It comes with practice. Louis has destroyed three of the Dark Ones so
far,’ interrupted Yvonne. Dave swore
under his breath. Impressed or worried,
it still sounded the same.
Privately Louis decided to
re-name the evil spirits if he survived the next half hour. “Dark Ones” carried such a ring of third-rate
Tolkein hand-me-down.
They left their car and ventured
onto the twisting path that led into the park’s interior, where illumination
from streetlights filtered through trees and bushes made the darkness seem even
more intense.
Louis reflected that he’d last
been here five years ago, when Natalie was still alive and wanted to go down
the huge slide the council finally dismantled after endless accidents.
Ooooh, it's all coming to a head!
Finally -
If you're a loyal fan of VVP, a.k.a. Dimya (he hates it when we call him that), then you might want to look away NOW - too late, that's fifteen years in a cell for you. Here we comment on the 'Special' Military Operation going on in Ukraine, to see how the Ruffians can mess things up more. By this point they have a positive omelette on their chin rather than a single egg. Now one of their generals has come out saying that everyone knew this operation was going to take a long time.
Er - hello? Reality called, can you come back? Nobody knew any such thing. What Dimya hoped would happen was a thunder-run into Kiev, hang Zelensky from a lamp-post and be back home laden with loot in three days, a week at the most. Instead we are now in Day Fifty-Eight, and the 'Plan' goalposts keep getting moved.
Hardly surprising when these are your advisers
A conservative estimate of how much this war is costing Dimya is £20 billion PER DAY. Or over £1 trillion so far. That contingency fund of £650 billion seems a little underwhelming now, doesn't it? Especially since a third of it was frozen instantly and is inaccessible. Art!
Say goodbye to £6 million
I shall finish here but we will be revisiting this topic, O yes indeedy!
* This harshness will probably make him cry. Tee hee!
** Played by a Scot. People are strange.
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