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Monday 18 April 2022

Let's Be Nice To The Ruffians

Because, Of Late, They've Been Taking A Hammering

I refer, of course - obviously! - to how cruel and mocking BOOJUM! has been since February 24th, poking even more malicious fun at Dimya's expense, because 1) He deserves it and 2) He deserves it even more.  One can only imagine him at recent  conferences, banging his fists on the table and shouting, and then stopping because his hands hurt.  One reason he's gone completely off the rails is because he's getting old, his hearings not what it used to be and - Art!


ADVISERS:  Keep back in Ukraine!

DIMYA:  Attack?  Attack in Ukraine?

ADVISERS: No!  

DIMYA: Go?  We go?

ADVISERS <shouting>: DO NOT ADVANCE!

DIMYA:  They haven't a chance?  Excellent!  <necks gin and slurs "Advance!>

     No no no this isn't Politics - you know, the topic we steer clear of - it's <thinks> satire.  Yeah, yeah, it's satirical.  

     So!  Being complimentary about Ruffians - our nickname derives from a ballfoot tournament in Europe where their piratical fans wanted to be even worse than those of Perfidious Albion - let us mention the Eastern Front.  Art!

NO!
     <sighs heavily in martyred style>

     People forget that the Ruffians were part of the Allies in the First World 'Special' Military Operation, having joined in at the very beginning, rather than waiting around to see how the other shoe would drop (Joe Gitfinger Stalin we are looking at you), after swapping French kisses with their enemy (that's you again, Joe).  The Ruffian army in 1914 was bigger than the population of several European states and it was believed this 'Steamroller' would sweep all before it <embarrassed coughing>.  Art!


     Outstanding novel, highly recommend.  The thing is, the Ruffians were mobilising their vast armies according to the conventional railway timetable, in a quite leisurely fashion, until the French went squeaking to them in alarm about how they were on the brink of defeat and the four or five British soldiers in France couldn't possibly help - Art!


     The Ruffians lurched into premature action, and whom was the only Allied nation of the First Unpleasantness to enter Germany proper?  Why the Ruffians of course - look at that map above and 'Prussia'.  The Prussian Junkers squealed with horror, so loudly that the Teutons detached at least five divisions from their attack on France, where their loss was instantly felt, and were railroaded across Europe to the Eastern Front, by which time the emergency was over.

     Conrad has an incredibly complex hex-and-counter wargame that deals with this campaign, which he's not going to take up until retirement*.  Art!


     
     Motley!  What is the provenance of that vodka?  If it is Friendly we can drink it.  If it is hostile we can Drink It Whilst Hating.  One ice-cube or two?


How To Make Cheese Curds

Hopefully no Turkish official using a voice-reader will jib too much at this, as the curds in question come from milk, not Dogoubayazit.  Your Humble Scribe, whose patent sin is thinking with his stomach, has used 'Poutine' as an insult for O these many weeks.  For those of you who don't know, it's a Canadian dish of chips covered with cheese curds and gravy, and is exactly as delicious as it sounds. Conrad, as ever, wondered how difficult it is to make cheese curds.  Art!


     Sadly, it's quite the task.  You need loads of milk, then rennet and what they call a 'thermophilic culture', as well as 'cheese salt'.  So I shan't be making any, and am unsure which retailer offers same.  Time to check out that Sainsbury's stock app!


Art Reflecting Life

Not our Art.  He's a dull and stoic Neanderthal who works for delicious coals and cokes.  No, I refer to a South Canadian film called 'Suddenly' which I'd not heard of until yesteryon, as I reached the end of "Reclaiming History"'s chapter (more like small book) on Lee Harvey Oswald.  LHO, you see, had been film-watching prior to his more famous coup, and one film he'd watched only days before the assassination was that named above.  Art!


     1954 vintage.  Here we see Frank in one of his first headline roles, and O my! he plays a completely amoral villain with no redeeming features, out to kill for kicks and dollars.

     The thing is, the person he's hired to kill is the (un-named) President Of The United States.

     You can see where this is going.  By 1963 Frank had a lot of clout in Hollywood and was horrified that his name might be associated with the JFK assassination (not to mention the more surreal "The Manchurian Candidate" where he helps to prevent an assassination).  Art!


     So pulled 'Suddenly' was, for a while.  It's now in the public domain and you can probably find it for free on Youtube.  Conrad has to say props to Frank for taking on the role of such a thoroughly horrid character.  


Bring It Blue

Thank you.  Back to the Beeb's photography exhibition on the theme of "Into The Blue".  Art!

Courtesy Louise Sherrat

     Here we see a photo from a photographer who believes 'flowers are happiness'.  Yeah whatever.  Blue roses.  Can you eat them?  Hmmmmm possibly, possibly not, but you can certainly make tea from them.


Putting The "T" In "Tormentor"

As you ought to recall, Luma is considering how to take the offensive against evil spirits.  Take note, this is a college lecturer, not a lorry-driver, he has an acid intellect with plenty to apply it to.  

“First item:  defence.  Use of electrical energy to create a barrier, circular, prob. to be powered by battery – car battery.  Set up round bed at night, or when alone.  Voltage or amps?  Prob. volts.  Switchable. 

               Second item:  offence.  Air pistol firing silver shot?  Catapult also.  More holy water.  Silver nitrate – how effective? if at all?  Cattle prod.  Taser.

               Thirdly: item: detection.  Use of electro-meter thingy for measuring current; digital display thermometer; a cat.  Leave telly on all the time.”

               Fourth item: research.  Morgan.  Thirty Years War.  Hire history graduate/student to research history of Morgan.  Track down complete name, life history, birthplace, etc etc.  Then kill the *******.”

               She tossed the spiral-bound book back to Louis.

               ‘You’ve been thinking a lot about this.’

               ‘Fear of imminent death concentrates the mind wonderfully, my dear.’

     Louis had other facts to point out to Yvonne.

               True, he was stumbling semi-blind into a novel, dangerous existence.  Yet if he was the first genuine seer to exist in sixty years, then the Dark Ones were out of practice.  Nor was that all; he could use all the technical equipment of the twenty-first century in pursuit of the Dark Ones, all the electrical and electronic gear that they either feared or rendered faulty.  He had the telephone, television and the internet.  As a lecturer, he had long holidays to go hunting evil spirits.

               ‘Ah – speaking of television – is “Coronation Street” still on?’ asked Yvonne, shame-facedly.

     Conrad cheerfully confesses that he's never watched an episode of CS and never intends to.  It's full of alien subliminals that rot the brain.  Yes, even more than Carling Special Brew.


Finally -

Annnnnnnd here we are back to the current SMO in Ukraine.  Conrad did point out on social media that Dimya needs - not wants, needs - a victory in Ukraine that he can sell to the general Ruffian public as an awesome victory.  Simply missiling Ukrainian cities won't work, he needs to show that the hamlet of Malyi Malenko, Pre-invasion population 150 people 25 cows 12 pigs 2 chickens 1 basilisk, is enough of a conquest to go home happy.

     Well yes.  Conrad had expected a long, protracted Ruffian preparation for the forthcoming attack on Donbas, but they seem to be repeating their eminently unsuccessful tactics from the north, small assaults easily defeated in detail.  GOOD LORD ALOFT!  Could it be that the Ruffians are - are - incredibly inept?  Art!

Moskvanquished

   Why yes it could.

    As a progeny of the Cold War, how were we ever afraid of these chumps? 


*  Possibly in a couple of months.

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