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Monday, 11 April 2022

I Say Crikey DIck Van Dykey!

Absolutely Not, Cotton, Dot!

Do you see what I - O you do.  Yes, this is my sly way of beginning a long dance around the houses (mulberry bushes being sooooo passé darling) and first we ignore the title because we're funny that way, and instead go for the June Brown memorial.  Now, you are probably expecting a fawning adoration of her role in 'Beastenders', an appalling series about animal euthanasia (it says here) which Conrad refused to watch on principle, him being a big fat marshmallow wh -

     SCRATCH THAT!  I just Googled it.  Ah.  Yes.  "Eastenders" a light and frothy comedy about hilarious Cockneys wearing pearl-encrusted suits, or something.  Conrad still not going to watch it.  I have my standards, they are not high but I will adhere to them.  Art!


     There she is, as Lady Eleanor, in the BBC's premier dramamentary, 'Doctor Who' specifically the serial "The Time Warrior".  She was described by one of the other characters as a ' - narrow-hipped Norman vixen-' which is a great line by any standards.

     What I meant by 'Absolutely Not, Cotton, Dot' is that today's blog title is not to be taken literally, it is merely an exclamation of startlement.  It might have been Dave Spikey instead, it's merely the luck of the draw and how the dice roll.

     ANYWAY yes, DVD is still alive, almost a hundred years old yet still ticking and with a career as long as his has been, you can forgive him for 'Mary Poppins' and the least-convincing Cockney accent ever.  There was also - bedrooms?  Besoms?  I forget*.  Art!


     It's doubtful you've heard of this organisation, so a little background.  They are contracted as an independent third party by my employer, Sainsbury's.  If a colleague wants impartial advice or guidance or counselling, we refer them to Validium, whom they can consult in complete confidentiality.  Both I and other folks have been providing their information to callers, and indeed their name cropped up on our Team chat.

     This is where we take the name of The Dyke in vain.  Jamie, one of our more recent recruits, came back at Conrad with a query.  A query concerning 'Doctor Who'.  Art!


     This is the 'Nemesis', who gets name-checked in the serial "Silver Nemesis", being an artefact conjured up by Rassilon (that piker again!) and Omega (presumably when he still had a body to move around with).  Whimsical in appearance it may be - bow, arrow and body - it is nevertheless capable of exerting tremendous destructive power.  Even when it only passes by Earth in orbit it causes dreadful events - the First World 'Special' Military Operation, the assassination of JFK, the creation of the Eurovision Song Contest - and so on.

     'Yes yes yes, get to the point, you old excresence, 'Pointless' is on soon,' I hear you wibble.  Pausing only to condemn that horribly addictive program, I shall explicate.

     What is the Nemesis made from?

     VALIDIUM!

     I think you can allow me a modest squawk of triumph and forgive me for using The Dyke as an exclamation.



     Here an aside.  Thanks to my recently-discovered access to Disney +, I can catch a glimpse at the recent 2019 serial "War Of The Worlds", which intrigued me when released.  No chance of watching it until now, so I'd better get on with BOOJUM! hadn't I?


Back To The Blue

No!  Not the TARDIS.  Do keep up - here we refer to the BBC's recent photography challenge on the theme 'Into The Blue', where Auntie bothers to credit the photographers, which is a refreshing change from those pikers at Sony.  Art!

Courtesy Richard Wagstaff

     Rather epic, huh?  This is pretty obviously a glacier, and thus not in This Sceptred Isle.  Probably South Canada or British America.  Dark, medium and light blue all in one composition.  <ahem> pretty cool, hmmmm?


Beast Enders

Welllllll it could be.  As you have probably gathered by now, Conrad took out a subscription to "The Daily Beast" back in April 2021, and the renewal is coming up, which I shall probably allow, because it gives me a window into how utterly bonkers life in South Canada can be, which is the complete opposite of this item's title.  They also OBSESS about This Sceptred Isle's royal family, so much so that you'd be surprised to discover that they are a Republic.  As proof  -Art!


     Conrad not sure who Calmmira is.  Probably a corgi.


Back To Another Thrilling Extract From "Tormentor"!

As you should surely recall, Luma had managed to thwart an attack by one of the Dark Ones, only to suffer an even more extreme one.  The unclean spirits, however, unwisely condescend towards a man with a water-pistol.  It'll all make sense when you read it.

Now – quick or slow? He wondered.  The blob made his mind up.

               ‘TIME FOR A SNACK.’  

               The Professor whined feebly, twisting, as the multiple tentacles inserted into him began to pulse and throb.  In less than a second he thinned out, collapsing inwards like a punctured tyre, fragments falling off his rapidly-vanishing body and disappearing.  Then he was gone, leaving an anguished wail hanging in the air.

               ‘HOW SATISFYING.  AND - ’

               The thing stopped gloating as Louis levelled his pistol at it.

               ‘A GUN. HOW PATHETIC.  DO YOU REALLY BELIEVE A MORTAL WEAPON CAN HARM ME?  ME!’

               ‘A pistol,’ grated Louis.  ‘A water pistol painted with Hammerite to keep the contents invisible to spirits.’  He sprayed the oozing monster with most of the remaining contents, getting it right down the middle.

               The holy water cut the thing in two like a laser, severing the bulging mouth and one vast eye.  Yvonne dropped free from the tentacles.

               ‘GRRHEHMMGTTHHH,’ the monster spouted, it’s half tongue lolling madly and the smaller half of the creature beginning to disperse into vapour.  Louis got the remaining dark matter with the few drops remaining in the pistol, and the whole mass erupted into spirit-steam and went.

               Yvonne remained on the floor, on all fours.  She still retained her solidity, and when Louis reached to pick her up, he still felt that familiar cool electric tingle, but more muted than it ought to be.

               ‘Here, come sit on the bed,’ he muttered, half-carrying her.  She looked pale and drawn and wrinkled of skin.  ‘That wasn’t Morgan, was it?’

     This Luma chap is not to be messed with!  I like him!  I mean I should do because I created him, but still -


Finally -

As has come to be the case of late, here we pintificote - like 'pontificate' but worse - about the current ghastliness going on in Ukraine.  You may accuse me of being pro-Ukranian - so sue me! - yet the cold hard facts militate against anything positive to say about the Ruffians.  They did manage to execute a missile strike in Odesa that destroyed an oil refinery without killing masses of civilians, although given their usual conduct this is undoubtedly an accident.

NO! Nothing to do with "The Untouchables"

     That's a famous scene from 'Battleship Potemkin', set in Odesa, which has a tangential connection with what we're posting here.

     ANYWAY Conrad is still analysing Perun's analysis of the use of irregular and reservist troops in Ukraine.  Seriously, go and look this chap up on Youtube.  His breakdowns of the situation are so good the FSB are considering paying him a retainer.  Let us look at how he rates irregulars on the Ruffian side.

     CHECHENS: The comic relief.  These 'Ferocious Warrior Tribesmen' appear to be posting selfies on Tik Tok, filmed well outside the combat zone, and their Mighty Leader was caught out filming at a Ruffian petrol station whilst claiming to be in Ukraine.  Art!


SYRIANS: There were supposedly 16,000 Syrian soldiers skilled in urban combat making their way to Ruffia in order to take up arms on their behalf.  Not a single one seen so far in real life.

WAGNER GROUP: Deniable Ruffian paramilitaries, in real life not very good if the opposition has guns and bullets, and O my do the Ukes have guns and bullets.

      More seriously, Perun pointed out that the Ruffians are strictly limited by their adherence to the Not A War At All In Any Way Honestly You Can Trust Us Guvnor policy, since this means they can't send any conscripts to Ukraine.  Instead they are resorting to anyone in uniform who isn't a conscript.  The breakaway regions in the Donbas are basically kidnapping any male on the streets to force them into service, will he or nil he.


     Okay, I think this amounts to urinating over Tsar Poutine's chips, so - sorry if that creates an awful image you can't avoid! - so we shall move on.



*  A combination of old age and gin.

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