What? Are You Still Here?

Allow Me To Quote Me

(I'm allowed) The first note in my scribbling pad reads: "1: Have we nothing better to do?" for I am typing this up late on Christmas Eve, prefatory to Christmas Day, which might well be re-titled to "Cheesemas Day" here at The Mansion, as there is so much of the stuff knocking around.

     Hang on - should I go parade the cheeses around the kitchen and get an image, the better to inform you?  I think I shall.  Hang on a moment ...  Art!

We aim to cheese

      Since Darling Daughter is coming up tomorrow, we can at least palm some off on her, as she has inherited her father's attitude towards food: Yes Please*.
    I should like to point out that the cheese slices go on cheese toasties, Conrad is not merely being lazy.  The individual cheese portions go into my lunchbag.  Just so we're clear. 

     Righto, after the shortest Intro for many a month, we shall proceed.  Motley, arm yourself!

"La Mort D'Arthur" By Sir Thomas Malory

Yes, we are back to that seminal work of fiction composed in 1470 yet not published until 1485, when the Medieval era was coming to an end and the Renaissance was afoot.  From what Conrad notes, STM seems to have pitched his romance at a nominal date in the late thirteenth/early fourteenth century - 

     But you didn't come here to listen to some pseudo-intellectual bore maundering on about dull, tepid reality.  Let us away to Arthurian legend!

Sir Launcelot Du Lake

     The Book I have been reading concerns mostly Sir LDL and his exploits abroad (metaphorically), where he goes off to have adventures.  Now, you may not be aware, but Sir LDL is about the best knight in combat in the Western World, certainly up there in the top 3, and consequently NOT a man you wish to get on the wrong side of.  He is continually confronting villainous churls when attempting to cross bridges, which Conrad sees as either a literary convention (more of these later) or a reflection of reality.  Art!

Like this

     After all, a bridge was a natural choke-point, where travellers had to cross, so if you were lying in wait to either rob or joust, a bridge was one of the handiest places to hang out.  If your prey came trotting along on horseback, they could hardly jump over the side!  One of the first knights Sir LDL defeats is Sir Peris De Forest Savage, whom he encounters after crossing a bridge.

     Then there is the spectacularly unwise chief porter of an un-named castle, who attempts to extort a toll from Sir LDL as he - crosses a bridge.  He then has the temerity to start hitting the knight with an iron-bound baton.  You can guess where this is going, can't you?  He is split in two 'from head to paps' by Sir LDL, proving that an expert swordsman will always trump a 'foul churl' with a club.

This club is quite plush, however

     After this one-sided encounter, Sir LDL is confronted by two giants - again, another convention, as all giants we have encountered in LMDA are villainous and evil, would never get into a gentlemen's club and, even if allowed in as a guest,  would probably pass the port to the right**.  Of course Sir LDL despatches both in short order, and a welter of gore to boot, before going on to their castle, where divers damosels ("Lots of ladies") plaintively assert that they have been kept captive for seven years.  Again with seven years!  This number of years keeps cropping up, you know.  Your Humble Scribe suspects it to be another convention.

The closest I could get to Sir LDL and a giant.  Sorry.

     What they're going for is "a long time", and when average life-expectancy was about 50, at most, having one-seventh of at least that spent in durance vile took up a sizeable chunk of your life.

     Which this item has already done.  I could go on, and will, just not today, as I can already see your brains glazing over.

Counting Down To Cheesemas

Conrad opened the last door on the Beer Advent Calendar today, although since he is driving first thing tomorrow morning, none of the assorted cans are being drunk as of last night, if that mix of tenses makes sense.  Art!

     Conrad is going to read the labels rather more carefully than previously, just to make sure we don't have another "Sour Grinch" experience, and if there is any chocolate nonsense, Darling Daughter is perfectly welcome to have it.

     Your Humping Scribe - WASH OUT YOUR DIRTY SEWERLIKE MINDS! - was hefting and lifting boxes of beer and wine and spirits in store yesterday (from whence comes the "Humping" noun), and was mightily disappointed that although there were Brewdog ales going onto the shelves, none of them were "Light Speed" or "Snow Ball" <sad face>.

Conrad Is ANGRY!

O so ANGRY!  ANGRY! ANGRY! ANGRY! because of the Codeword, of course.  As if I'd get annoyed at anything trivial or petty!

     "ZINCITE" was the answer.  "What?" I hear you blankly reply.  No, I'd never heard of it, either.  A quick look at my Collins Concise reveals that it is a real word, describing an oxide of zinc that occurs in crystalline form, being red or yellow in colour.  It appears in metamorphosed limestone, if that helps.  Can it be processed into a pharmaceutical that allays outbursts of temper?  

     Because, O I don't know, HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO EVEN KNOW ABOUT THIS AS WE ARE NOT MINERALOGISTS NOR GEOLOGISTS!

I think you can understand my rightful wrath.  My initial solution had been "PISCINE" which threw things out as a result and it took an extra five minutes to correct from the false positives.  

Finally -

No, you're not going to get a scantily-clad young lady being threatened by tentacular terrors, whilst being protected and defended by a beefy young man wielding a ray-gun whilst wearing a helmet.  And a space-suit, I hasten to add; and a space-suit.  Can't have any male nudity or near-nudity on the magazine cover, that would be indecent and perverse! and besides girls don't read science-fiction, it's the ultimate men-only reading genre.  Apart, perhaps, from wargaming conventions reporting.

Proof

*  Usually followed by "What is it?"

**  Shocking, I know!