Don't Speak Ill - Of The Whifferdill

Or, From Whiffenpoof To Food On The Hoof
It'll make sense eventually.  You may be vaguely aware of the dramatic reconstruction television programme "Doctor Who", although you may be less aware of the UNIT-funded comics published to help educate the youth of today.  The Sixth Doctor's - iteration? - encountered Frobisher, a shape-shifter who eventually stuck himself in penguin form due to unrequited love.  Frobisher was forced to reveal his true self when, a little ill-advisedly, he adopted the shape of a Happy Meal. 

Bottom right corner, ta

 Less a case of the biter bit than the shape-shifter shafted.
     Of course, none of this has anything to do with what follows.

Frobisher, unmasked!

A Didactic Diversion On Difference
Or, if you like, what happens when you step off terra firma into the briney deeps.  Apart from getting wet, you might also muse on the difference between marine and civil engineering. 
     "You might," I hear you say, "Although not getting soaked in the first place would be a better idea."
     No sense of adventure.  I dunno.  The youth of today. 
     So.  What happens in the case of soil versus sea?  Consider the marine engineer, sitting doodling at his CAD unit.  What does he need to take into account?  Well, that water is wet.  That's a pretty universal constant.  After that, not a lot else.  Where the seabed is, I suppose, since a ship drawing a draught of 13 metres trying to sail up an estuary only 12 metres deep would rapidly become embarrassed. 
     Now consider his land-living confederate.  What does he have to take into account?  A very great deal indeed!  For a start, the ground upon which you stand comes in a wide variety of types.  Allow me to illustrate this:

From soup to nuts

     Metaphorical soup, thank you.  This chart contains all the major types of soil likely to be encountered on a construction site, all the way from boulders ("200 mm diameter" or 8 inches in proper measuring) to peat, via way of gravel and clay.  
     Nor is that all.  Consider any construction work taking place in an urban area, because they need to see if there is any prior construction work underfoot that might affect foundations being laid atop them.  Cellars, sewers, Silurian hibernation units, a whole panoply of potential hazards to encounter.
     And the marine engineer?  "Yep, water is still wet."

Proof!

Trench Map Replica
The things you find in cupboards.  Alongside my Doctor Who Live ticket was the following.  Art?

Extra-large to bring out the detail for all you lucky people

     Yes, it's a map.  Not just any map - picking a map at random would be peculiar and we don't do that here* - and don't be fooled by the depiction of towns and villages and roads and rails.  This is a trench map - the clue is in the post title, I confess - of the First Unpleasantness, you see, showing the trenchlines of the British and Teutons.  By the time this map was printed, all the buildings previously present would have been reduced to plaster and brick dust.
     Which recalls that old joke retailed by an officer after the Battle of the Somme.  He had been told to rendezvous at the village of Guillemont, and was sure he'd ended up near the place.  Seeking directions he hailed a nearby NCO.
     "I say, old chap, could you tell me where the blessed village of Guillemont is?  Can't seem to find me bearings**."
     The sage NCO replies.
     "Well, sir, you see those three bricks lying one atop the other, on the far side of the road?"
     Our questing hero nods an affirmative.
     "That's Guillemont."

An avenue at Guillemont

     You may also note that the German lines are sketched in considerable detail, whilst the British ones are far less defined.  Security, you see. In case of accidental loss or capture, so the bally Teuton doesn't learn too much. 

Trout Mask Replica
I felt that "Trench Map Replica" - for it is a replica and not an original, although I do have several mapcases of original Official History of the First World War maps if you'd like me to - No?  You're sure? oh well - 
     Where was I?
     Oh yes, TMR as a post title seemed redolent of "Trout Mask Replica", an LP from long long ago.  Performed by Captain Beefheart and his Magic Band, and a firm favourite of Sir John Peel.  Art?

Proof I am not making this up

     Personally Conrad was never a big fan, probably best to say that he appreciated the Captain's unique Weltanschung.  For who else amongst us would have come up with a title like that?

And we're at count!  This means I can go and get something to eat.  You see?  You see the sacrifices I make for you?  And never even a Comment***.


*  This is a lie.
**  Yes, people really did speak like that.
***  It's not hard to make a Comment.  And it would please me so.