Brown Norwegian Goat's Cheese

No!  This Is Not A Random Word-Generator Result
It's a real thing.  Known to our Norse brethren as "Gjetost", or "Goat's Cheese" in English, this is really quite something.  Quite why my mother added it into a packed school lunch is another question entirely, as it baffled my schoolday chums; possibly it had been bought as a dare or the rest of the family didn't like it, in which case it would be routinely assigned to your humble scribe, because he will consume anything*.  Art?

In all it's brown Norwegian glory

     This is a principle which still holds true today.  There's a scrofulitic Something festering at the bottom of the fridge?  Give it to me.  An experiment with Chinese Hopping Bean Radish-Flavour Sauce ends unpleasantly?  Give the remains to me.  Whatever It Is has gone stale, soggy, a peculiar colour or is exhibiting signs of sentience?  Give it to me.
    Gjetost is perhaps best summed up as being closer to fudge than cheese, and to my surprise other people agree.  Art?

In the middle

     Well there you go, Conrad is not as unique as he fondly considered himself to be, which is worrying for all of us.
     "Does this -"
     Yes!  It does have something to do with the rest of the post, just be patient and allow me to develop my theme.  Which is another way of saying that the Intro is over, and to let the motley commence!

"Elementary"
As ever, the scriptwriters for this television programme still lard Sherlock's speech with all manner of long or unusual words, to the evident delight of your modest artisan.  Let us now offer evidence to support this glossolaliac** glee, with some definitions also provided - I do apologise for not adding these in earlier, it's one of my pet peeves with the literature of a century ago that they NEVER BOTHER TO TRANSLATE THEIR GREEK OR LATIN, and there I was guilty of the same sin.  "Mastodon" - an elephant equivalent; "Egregious" - very very bad indeed; "Expedient" - handy; "Epicurean" - liking one's food; "Missive" - a letter; "Perusal" - reading; "Capricious" - liable to change opinion or attitude within seconds, much like Conrad; "Sotto Voce" - whispered.

An elephant equivalent

     Then there was "Swedish Moose Cheese".  Conrad was convinced this was a subtle play on "Norwegian Goat's Cheese", which is where we came in.  Except - surprise! - it really exists.  And is, a la Sherlock, exceedingly rare and expensive.  Circa £500 per pound.
     Colour me surprised.

The Termination Of Tom
Perhaps.  But only "Perhaps", so you can't take anything for granted and have to stay on at least 85% Alert Status.
     Tom is a work colleague whom I foresee there being problems with.  For one thing, he appeared desirous of riding to achieve World Domination on the coat-tails of your talented typist, which is a slight worry.  I may be forced to reconsider that (Murder) Minister of Music portfolio he was provisionally offered.

     "Er - quite, old chap.  What does this have to do with the Trifid Nebula?" I hear you ask
     Sorry?  Nothing whatsoever - ah! - you're trying some of that non sequitur stuff back at me, aren't you?

Shouty David Bowie - a non seqitur

     What I am talking about and to whom do I refer?  Why, Troubled Tom of course, the unwell lad as I call him to differentiate him from all the other Toms in my life.  As he is a bit poorly you have to leave him alone; I, on the other hand, can still mildly mock him.  In this case, because he challenged your humble scribe about Cornish pirates.  Earlier he had put forward the supposition that "This Is Spinal Tap" can be considered a musical.  This led to my initial doubts.

I mean - umlauts over a consonant?

     Tom had put forward the assertion that there were a number of Cornish pirates, in which case the expression "Arrrrr!  Jim Lad!" as hammed-up by Robert Newton could be taken as being potentially accurate.  Conrad immediately jibbed at this, because he does not take criticism well, and because he is always right.  Of course, Conrad being Conrad, he then began to wonder about Cornish pirates.  What percentage of all pirates came from Cornwall?

Hello Joe

     Sadly there are no demographic databases online detailing the breakdown of 18th century buccaneers in terms of county, let alone country.
    Or are there?
     I may get back to you on this***.

Joe Cornish.

Jim'll Paint It
A few of Jim's recent efforts have been quite NSFW, due to either nudity or political content.  Violence, the shedding of blood or traumatic amputations are another thing entirely, as are - Superheroes!  You know superheroes are Conrad's guilty pleasure, so -

I can ID South Park, Family Guy, The Flintstones, Tom & Jerry, The Simpsons and Bob's Burgers.
And you?

*  Bar parsnips and pineapple.
**  The spell-checker highlights this, although "Glossolalia" is a real thing
*** Or I may not.  It depends how I feel.  That's being - waitforitwaitforit - capricious.