A Day Of Strange Books

As You Surely Know By Now -
Conrad is not one for conventional literature.  Military history, murder mysteries, MC Escher and - er, sorry to sound like the kind of pseud Mister Hand detests - odd novels.  Perhaps "unusual" would be a better term.
     This predilection* means that Conrad is unlikely to ever unfold the pages of that book about "Shapes of Grey" or "The Spice Girls Yearbook" nor anything out of the Twilight/Mills and Boon stable (and yes they are essentially the same thing).
     So, today began with a giant pot of tea, a quill pen and three books. 
     You can look away now, or carry on into a world 5 degrees** askew.

"Yes, puny human?"
As usual I had to shift cat to get to book.  It happens EVERY SINGLE TIME!

But First!  A Little Musical Critique!
Alright Paul and Art, you can stop snivelling, today's Critique doesn't focus on your lyrics.
     No, instead we look at Dionne Warwick and a song written by some hopeless wannabees, Ham David and Bart Backarack, something like that. 
     Let the mockery begin!

"Do you know the way to San Jose

No, madam, I do not.  I live in the UK.

I've been away so long.  I may go wrong and lose my way.

Might you?  It matters not to me.  Dunno why you're telling me.

Do you know the way to San Jose

Madam!  I already told you!  Get a GPS or an atlas!

I'm going back to find some peace of mind in San Jose

I think that should read "piece", as you and the plot have parted ways

LA is a great big freeway

Not it isn't, it's a city.  

Put a hundred down and buy a car.

Abusing people is not big or clever.

In a week, maybe two, they'll make you a star.

Really?  Hey my friend the Nigerian prince wants to speak to you ...

Weeks turn into years.  How quick they pass.

They pass at the rate of one second per second.

And all the stars that never were

A line I can find nothing wrong with

Are parking cars and pumping gas."

You forgot waitressing.

     And that's only half the song.  Maybe more tomorrow.

The charming village of San Jose.  No, hang on a minute -

I Bought This -
For the Pun factor but I can't think of anything to do with it:

I shall, of course, continue to work on it.

Codex Seraphinianus
I have flicked through about half of this very peculiar book.  What is it?
     Okay, imagine that if JRR Tolkein had been an artist, not an author, and that he was Italian, and also pretty bonkers, then he might have created the Codex.
     If this doesn't help, have a look at a couple of pages:

These appear to be fruit.
Nightmare fruit, but still fruit.

Giant mutant rhino, anyone?

     I still haven't come across a translation of the text, which looks as if it means something but which might actually be complete gibberish.
     Not for nothing called "The weirdest book in the world"

"V"
I finally finished Thomas Pynchon's enigmatic and also peculiar novel, and it would puzzle me to describe or analyse it properly.  The core chapters take place in 1955 America and focus on Benny Profane and The Whole Sick Crew, US Navy destroyer crews, a rhinoplastic surgeon, Pig Bodine and McClintick Sphere, also young Stencil.  Then it zips off to Malta, Namibia, Paris, Cairo and back to Malta.  The "V" of the title is a woman - I think, and not Valetta or Venezuala or Vheissu.
     If you want a more coherent analysis, here is a link:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/V.
     Be warned, it's a long and complicated book and you can't leave too long between readings or you'll lose the plot***.

History Of The Second Division
I think I've mentioned this book before.  It's actually the second volume of an original published back in 1920's, which was digitally scanned and downloaded to enable an edition that didn't cost hundreds of pounds to be published today.
     The software is pretty competent, yet not totally.  It flubs alpha-numeric combinations regularly, with other occasional glitches.  Only the odd-numbered pages are listed, no idea why, and there is an issue with footnotes.  
     In the original these were indicated in the text with a number, usually only ever getting to "1", and at the foot of that particular page would be a note, prefaced with the number "1" again.  Except the scanned version has the explanatory note turning up anywhere in the text, making for a bewildering read as the subject changes completely at random.
     There is a way around this, and a hair-splitting pedant like Conrad got right in there:

Hair-splitting, pedantic and good with highlighter

     One goes through the text until a number 1 all on it's own crops up, then you work your way through the rest of the text looking for a corresponding note again prefaced by 1, and you outline them in pink highlighter.
     Slow work; Conrad is only halfway through.  But he's enjoying it^.

The Virgin Media Menagerie
I dunno.  What were they thinking?

Ho ho ho.  What paronomatic pulchritude^^

     Because here in the UK we automatically associate the raccoon with - banditry?
     Then there's this one:

A whole fnorping zoo!

     Bears, owls, raccoons - when are they going to get around to featuring weasels?
     And on the next page of The Metro, there was that inexplicable O2 cat in a spacesuit.
     Sometimes Conrad thinks the rest of the world is off-kilter, not him.

All Hail Oldham Council Gritters!
These chaps are NEVER wrong when it comes to predicting icy weather.  The White Witch Weather Warning department is pretty hot stuff - do you see what I did there? - when it comes to predicting ice and snow, and now they have added punning names to their vehicles:

"Gritney Spears"!  Whoever thought that up should get a reward

Chewing Gum
For those with only 3 teeth:

* "Liking" - pseud translation courtesy Mister Hand
** Degrees as in compass or Centigrade, both apply.
*** Like Dionne Warwick
^ Although in some countries, probably the Netherlands and Finland, this would be an abuse of your human rights.
^^ Beautiful punning