At 6:30 a.m., since there is once again a significant delay before Conrad heads off for the bus, and as a morning it's not one of those to inspire one to bound over the threshold into the street, a whistle on the lips and a spring in the step. More of one to weigh down the shoulders and add to the grey in one's hair -
- which Conrad cocks a snoot at, since he has broad shoulders and would be happy if his hair were only grey instead of white ...
Yes, Sinister And Dexter
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| Conrad arguing with Mister Hand: "Conrad, you are steely-haired, silver-tongued and brass-bottomed" "Also a bit rusty." |
Do you know whereof these words originate, gentle reader? Yes, Latin, obviously - obviously! - but their origin lies rather deeper in the world of Heraldry. "Sinister" is the right hand face of the shield, "Dexter" is the left hand face, yes the opposite of what you'd expect because it refers to the shield as the holder carries it, not as you the observer sees it. Don't forget "dextrous" means having ability with the hands, derived again from skill with the right hand, as most people are right handed.
MetroMashing
I say this is easy, it's like hitting a flock of ducks on the pond with a PGM*!
What was that about not covering current affairs?
Whose blog is it?
Now we've got that sorted out, allow me to continue, thank you so very much. After all, if Conrad has to waste his precious time reading the wretched rag, he can derive a little malicious entertainment from it.
One article, promoted on the cover, bangs on about how Calvin Harris is rich. Rich rich rich, worth millions apparently. The Metro, poor confused papier-mache-in-waiting, seems to equate "rich" with "good" - although actually Conrad remembers a couple of Calvin's musical offerings of several years ago and they weren't bad. The point still stands; that Miley Cyrus bloke can stick his tongue out and waggle his arse but that doesn't mean he's got any musical talent at all. Although the Metro would probably fawn over him and equate him with Philip Glass**.
In other Metro not-news that fills out the pages instead of actual thing like journalism and reporting, Celebrity Big Brother is on (WHY? Dear Lord, please tell us WHY!), something about Jennifer Hudson and an air-hostess got a boob-job.
Did Conrad say papier-mache in waiting? That's setting the bar too high. Cat-litter tray liner is more like it.
Christmas Pudding Cheesecake
Yes! This is because the retail arm of my Un-named Famous Organisation is checking out products for Christmas, edible products, edible products that combine the Christmassy with the mundane, edible products that combine the Christmassy with the mundane that Kay did not like the sound of, so Conrad is now poised - poised! - to descend upon the quivering cheesecake like a wolf on the fold**.
The Cookies In Question
Remember last night, when Conrad was up against the clock? Making cookies for the masses at work, and here they are lying in wait:
The other thing that Conrad is useful for at work is his perpetual retention of a roll of blue paper towel.
Cake and napkins. What it is to be loved, eh***?
Titanium Dioxide
No! Not a metal alloy used in the construction of high-performance fighter jets. It's a food colouring, which is white. It also features in the ingredients list of the Christmas Pudding Cheesecake, and it may very well get used by UKIP as a tidy euphemism for their political broadcasts as in "I'm Dreaming Of A Titanium Dioxide Christmas".
Sin City 2
Conrad has noticed this on the Manchester bus posters, and it seems to have just as positive a view of women as the original, which Conrad seems to remember being quite dichromic - a lot of black and probably Titanium Dioxide in the mix. There was a somewhat tarty cowgirl character I liked, but she got shot, although I think that happened to everyone, didn't it?
Observe, too, that tagline: "There is no justice without sin". Is this criticising the judicial system for being replete with sin? Or does it mean that you have to have sinners sinning before you can haul them up in front of the beak and slam them in pokey? Ambiguous, boys, ambiguous. Mind you "There is no justice without a judicial system that stands separate from political intervention and the police force" is nowhere near as punchy and you'd need a billboard three times the size.
Finally
Don't know why this character popped into my head, but meet Kid Chameleon from the pages of "Cor!" magazine:
His strip^ obviously took up the central, colour pages as otherwise you'd not be able to glory at his skin-suits ability to blend in.
I don't have any cute animals or tanks to hand so you'll just have to make do with him.
*Precision-Guided Munition. Don't worry Anna, won't happen in real life, they cost too much ...
** Mister Hand translates: it get et.
*** Mister Hand would like to apologise for this blatant fishing for compliments, and once again promises to poke Conrad with a bamboo skewer.
^ "Strip" - get it? Boy in boxers, comic - o you do.
 |
| From 2000AD - obviously! |
I say this is easy, it's like hitting a flock of ducks on the pond with a PGM*!
What was that about not covering current affairs?
Whose blog is it?
Now we've got that sorted out, allow me to continue, thank you so very much. After all, if Conrad has to waste his precious time reading the wretched rag, he can derive a little malicious entertainment from it.
 |
| The Metro: another useful function |
 |
| Emperor Cyrus. Close enough |
Did Conrad say papier-mache in waiting? That's setting the bar too high. Cat-litter tray liner is more like it.
Christmas Pudding Cheesecake
Yes! This is because the retail arm of my Un-named Famous Organisation is checking out products for Christmas, edible products, edible products that combine the Christmassy with the mundane, edible products that combine the Christmassy with the mundane that Kay did not like the sound of, so Conrad is now poised - poised! - to descend upon the quivering cheesecake like a wolf on the fold**.
 |
| Of course I have to give feedback about it. "Gone completely in 3 1/2 minutes" sounds good. |
Remember last night, when Conrad was up against the clock? Making cookies for the masses at work, and here they are lying in wait:
 |
| Dynamic camera angle, cookies and Conrad's work notebook. |
Cake and napkins. What it is to be loved, eh***?
Titanium Dioxide
No! Not a metal alloy used in the construction of high-performance fighter jets. It's a food colouring, which is white. It also features in the ingredients list of the Christmas Pudding Cheesecake, and it may very well get used by UKIP as a tidy euphemism for their political broadcasts as in "I'm Dreaming Of A Titanium Dioxide Christmas".
 |
| Christmas Pudding Cheesecake in - no, hang on a minute - |
Conrad has noticed this on the Manchester bus posters, and it seems to have just as positive a view of women as the original, which Conrad seems to remember being quite dichromic - a lot of black and probably Titanium Dioxide in the mix. There was a somewhat tarty cowgirl character I liked, but she got shot, although I think that happened to everyone, didn't it?
 |
| Did they film in Manchester? Look at that rain! |
Finally
Don't know why this character popped into my head, but meet Kid Chameleon from the pages of "Cor!" magazine:
 |
| Yes it is safe for work - he's wearing camo-boxers |
I don't have any cute animals or tanks to hand so you'll just have to make do with him.
*Precision-Guided Munition. Don't worry Anna, won't happen in real life, they cost too much ...
** Mister Hand translates: it get et.
*** Mister Hand would like to apologise for this blatant fishing for compliments, and once again promises to poke Conrad with a bamboo skewer.
^ "Strip" - get it? Boy in boxers, comic - o you do.
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